[Glenn Wright]

Version 2
Mayflies

Like fashion models, they flash their gauzy wings,
unable to eat. They flirt and mate and fly,
enjoy an hour of hedonistic flings,
then, starved and spent, emptied of eggs, they die.

The years they’d spent as nymphs, crawling in slime
purchase brief minutes of joyful, glorious time.
————————-
Edits:
L1: Like fashion models, flashing gauzy wings, > Like fashion models, they flash their gauzy wings,
L2: Unable to eat, they flirt and mate and fly, > unable to eat. They flirt and mate and fly,
L5: . . .they spend. . .> . . .they’d spent. . .


Version 1
Mayflies

Their eggs are scattered on the crystal stream,
dropping through swirling currents into ooze.
Avoiding trout and frog, the blind nymphs teem,
spending years concealed in Stygian stews.

Eventually they find their final shape,
emerging in clouds and taking to the air,
seeking the sun’s bright warmth. They must escape
the birds and bats to climb an invisible stair.

Like fashion models, flashing gauzy wings,
unable to eat, they flirt and mate and fly,
embrace an hour of hedonistic flings,
then, starved and spent, emptied of eggs, they die.

What long and difficult suffering they endure
for a moment of doomed glory, painful and pure.

[Julie Steiner]

Glenn, any poem titled "Mayflies" will invite comparisons and contrasts with former U.S. Poet Laureate and Pulitzer Prize-winner Richard Wilbur's "Mayflies," since that was the title poem of one of his collections. (For the text of the poem, expand the section below the video and above the comments, here.)

Totally unfair, of course. Any poet ought to be able to write about any topic. But when somebody famous has got to your topic first, the bar gets higher.

Interesting that your take seems to come to the opposite conclusion that Wilbur's did, regarding religious underpinnings. (That's not a criticism, just an observation.)

Overall, I felt that your version had a bit too much natural history and not enough poetry. I needed more surprises than a crystal spring and the sun's bright warmth could offer. Sorry. I did like the bit about fashion models and mayflies who are "unable to eat."

[Yves S L]

Deleted Comment

[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

Like Julie, I'd like a bit more surprise, and less by the way of predictable imagery. In that respect, like Julie, I also liked the fashion models simile.

A few specific comments:

Avoiding trout and frog, the blind nymphs teem,

This naturally had me wondering which senses they used to avoid trout and frogs if they're blind. So, I googled. Turns out they have eyes and they use them. So probably another adjective here?

Also, I'd go with the plural for their predators, as in "trout and frogs".

spending years concealed in Stygian stews

"Stygian stews" just isn't working for me here. I can't helping seeing a steaming pot of stew. Could just be me though. Also why the plural? Are they concealed in several different Stygian stews?

the birds and bats to climb an invisible stair.

Here I think of an a mime artist climbing an invisible stair, and the image doesn't really suggest to me to the movement of a swarm of mayflies -- do they look to you like they're ascending stairs? Have you borrowed the rhyme and metaphor from Katharine Tynan's (19th century?) poem Larks: "All day in exquisite air / The song clomb an invisible stair"? I'm thinking you can do better here.

Like fashion models, flashing gauzy wings,
unable to eat, they flirt and mate and fly,

I guess while fashion models aren't literally unable to eat, "unable" can have the sense of "not allowed to". Still, I wondered if "eschewing food" might work, if only for the sounds.

What long and difficult suffering they endure
for a moment of doomed glory, painful and pure.

Why is the moment of doomed glory painful? Flirting, mating and flying sounds like they're having a great time.

best,

Matt

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Julie and Matt—

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on my poem. They were very helpful and prompted me to make some changes.

Julie—I was familiar with Wilbur’s poem, but decided that mine went in such a different direction that it would be less likely to invite comparison. I suppose I could choose a different title, but I can’t think of another one that seems apt. I think your comment about too much natural history and not enough poetry was very wise. The simile comparing mayflies and fashion models was the original nucleus of the poem, so I kept that and built a shorter, hopefully punchier poem around it.

Matt—Most of the problems you identified were resolved by cutting the first two stanzas. I had assumed that the nymphs were “blind” because they live in mud, and “Stygian stews” was overwritten and rhyme-driven. (Busted!). I did rather like the “invisible stair” until you pointed out Tynan’s use of it. (How did you manage to dredge that one up?)

I appreciate your thoughtful and generous critiques, both.

Glenn

[Roger Slater]

A minority view, perhaps, but I don't like the "fashion models" metaphor. I don't see what mayflies have in common with fashion models, and the qualities you assign to the mayflies that are said to resemble fashion models don't ring true for me in any way. I don't think of fashion models as unable to eat, nor do I think that fashion models tend to flirt, mate, starve, lose their eggs, and die more than the rest of us. (And remember, "fashion models" are not just anorectic women. Many are men or children).

If you're in the mood to make this even shorter, I'd go with just the final two lines of the revision.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Roger—

Thanks for weighing in. It’s useful to know how the poem lands with different readers.
In my own experience, asked to freely associate from “fashion model,” my first response would be “anorexia.” That may be unfair, but I don’t think I’m alone, or that the fashion industry does not promote unrealistic body images.

Glenn

[Roger Slater]

Does your image of fashion models also include brief mating and hedonistic flings followed by egg depletion and death?

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Roger—

Point taken. I suppose I had in mind the “heroin chic” models exemplified by the tragic Gia Carangi, fairly or unfairly. Certainly not all fashion models choose risky lifestyles. Many actively promote healthy lifestyles. The direct comparison between mayflies and fashion models is first, the conspicuous display of delicate iridescent wings and the strutting display of fabric; second, the limitations both suffer regarding ingesting food.

I suppose I could change the first line to something like the following:
Like Gia Carangi, flashing gauzy wings,

Instead, I adjusted the first two lines to put the two points of similarity in one sentence.
The flirting, mating, flying, hedonistic flings, egg depletion, and ultimate death are in the predicate of a separate sentence which makes it clearer that the subject of that sentence is the mayflies.

Thanks for the helpful comments.

Glenn

[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

It's definitely more arresting starting with the old 3rd stanza, but then you do lose the description of the suffering.

I wonder if a single first stanza describing that suffering might be worth trying. Maybe (or on second thoughts, maybe not!) even drawing on a different simile drawn from the human world. "Like office/factory drudges", say. No doubt there's something better than that ... Maybe you could use a slime/grime rhyme, even.

I also wonder if, when you've described the long difficult years of suffering and the brief glorious hour of joy, you'd even need final couplet contrasting the two. Perhaps the reader could be left to draw the conclusion themselves?

Like fashion models, flashing gauzy wings,
unable to eat, they flirt and mate and fly,
embrace an hour of hedonistic flings,
then, starved and spent, emptied of eggs, they die.

Personally, I'm happy that mayflies are like fashion models only insofar as they don't eat and have gauzy wings. I don't think "fashion model" has to apply to the rest of the sentence. They do the rest of those things in they style of fashion models -- or while resembling fashion models -- but this sense is lost when you split the stanza into two sentences. Hence I prefer the one-sentence version.

However, "unable to eat" still bugs (sic) me, since fashion models are able to eat and do. Hence my suggestion that you replace that with "eschewing food". Besides making the simile sound inaccurate (to me), "unable to eat" seems a little too dull and functional, especially after "flashing gauzy wings. I guess, "and fasting hard" might work and would give you another 'f' sound. Another option might be "living on air" for some wordplay.

best,

Matt