[Trevor Conway]

Hi Richard,

I prefer the version with lots of line breaks, so I comment on that if you don't mind. I hope you find something of use in the feedback.

All the best,

Trevor

In the park, a pond [yes, the title is improved by the addition of the comma. I always notice the interesting syntax in a title]

Behind a chain-link fence and gate
we never once saw open
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water [I think you need a verb here. To me, it would be better and could also potentially avoid confusion based on grammar]. Even in summer. [bold = delete]
Even in that summer when [put "when" at the beginning of the next line instead?]
whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab. [Lovely image]
Even then it was autumn[comma] damp
and deep enough to drown a child.

[Overall, it feels a bit underdeveloped, so I wonder if there's anything you could add after the current ending]

[Richard G]

Hi Trevor.

I prefer the version with lots of line breaks, so I comment on that if you don't mind.
Comment away.

put "when" at the beginning of the next line instead?
That was a consequence of where I'd set the margins, not a deliberate choice.

so I wonder if there's anything you could add after the current ending
I don't think so. It felt sufficiently final when I arrived there. But now you've planted the seed ...

Many thanks.

RG.

[Harry Nicolas]

I like the imagery of “earth cracked like a scab”. I personally am not a fan of prose poems usually, I did see someone break it into a stanza but here is some other suggestions. I thought of breaking the first line after fence to imagine someone literally opening the fence and walking past it. Also adding a dash before the earth cracked like a scab line adds emphasis to me.

behind a chain-link fence
we never once saw open
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer.
Even in that summer when
whole fields died for want—
and the earth cracked like a scab.
Even then it was autumn; damp
and deep enough to drown a child.

[Jim Ramsey]

Originally Posted by Richard G

.
In the park a pond


Behind a chain-link fence and gate we never once saw open, a songless autumn of grey leaf-light and old water. Even in summer. Even in that summer when whole fields died for want and the earth cracked like a scab. Even then it was autumn, damp and deep enough to drown a child.



.

[quote=Richard G;502317].

Hi Richard, Just a quick take. I like it both ways, as a prose poem, or in stanzas. I always wonder if stanzas aren't more publishable, but then who am I to know except from what I see published. I like the conceit of summer being autumn. Autumn, in the sense of early drops of leaves and plants entering dormancy, does actually come early sometimes. I do get a little confused or feel like I am having to make a stretch when the poem seems to be saying that autumn was present in summer because of dry conditions and then at the same time talks of autumn being "damp and deep enough..." Seems to me a "though" is missing as in "[though] still damp and deep enough to drown a child."

Jim R.

[Richard G]

Hi Harry,
thanks for the feedback and the layout suggestion. I'm continuing to dither.

Hi Jim,
the poem seems to be saying that autumn was present in summer because of dry conditions
Ah, I'll take another look. It's meant to be saying that it is the pond (and the area within the fence) that are persistently autumn(al))

RG.