[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Ashley Bowen

If I remember my Timothy Steele correctly, there are never three unstressed syllables. Once automatically gets promoted.

Yes, I have read this also. However, I am not claiming my scansion is "correct" or follows the official rules of meter, only that that is what my brain consistently wants to do with the line.

[Ashley Bowen]

There's a revision up if anyone cares to take a gander at it.

[Richard G]

Hi Ashley.

I don't think the revisions improve it, and I miss the final line/sentence with it's jukes/shoot/suit notes.

I think the additions of dollar and Hudson distract. That fame and money followed was inevitable and what I think these diminish is the comparison between the ill-fitting world/coffin (as made by God) and the, presumably tailored, brand-new suit (of the Devil.)

and how my sinning’s made my soul so heavy ... not sure what sinning is being referred to.
even angels wince beneath its weight, ... perhaps something a bit more brutal than wince, break?

of suffering when a mister’s field needs sowing. ... maybe something a bit more arduous that sowing? Picking, ploughing?

my voice onto a plate and people played
it on their gramophone. Now people know
It may just be me but I was hearing/seeing that the 'plate people' as white whilst the 'juke people' were black as well as an uptown/downtown distinction.

Why not 'Brand-new Suit' for the title?

(And shouldn't the Devil be given his Due? L10)

RG.

[Matt Q]

Hi Ashely,

"I drove a Hudson / right off the dealer’s lot."

According to the Mississipi Encyclopedia's entry on Robert Johnson, "most [bluesmen], including Johnson, did not own cars and consequently traveled on foot, by rail, and by hitching rides."

The line about buying a new car straight off the lot does make Johnson sound richer and more successful than he seems to have been during his lifetime. Still, I guess it works for the poem's message, and a poem doesn't have to be factually accurate.

best,

Matt

[Ashley Bowen]

Hi, Matt: The reference to the Hudson was a nod to Johnson's (reportedly) only hit song, "Terraplane Blues," the Terraplane being a Hudson model. Thanks for reading the revision and commenting. Very much appreciated.

Hi, Richard: Thanks for the feedback. I often revise a poem for the worse and go back to the original. I wasn't so sure that the sonnet worked for his poem, so I thought I'd try out something else. Who knows where this might end up. The trash is just as likely as anywhere else. Thanks again!

[Hilary Biehl]

Hi Ashley, I think I also prefer the original. Also, the meter and rhythm of the last line is the same despite some changes in wording. What about "ain't suffering better in a brand-new suit?"?

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Ashley,

Matt makes a good point about Robert Johnson not driving. But this poem, which is very appropriate to a Robert Johnson-like blues man, doesn't have to be titled Robert Johnson or be about any particular known bluesman. Lightnin' Hopkins at least sang about his big black Cadillac. That and other songs by other musicians establishes the driving of a Hudson off the lot, which I think is one of the best moments in the poem. There is the crossroads reference, but while that is specific to Johnson, it's become generalized to the extent that kids from England sang about going down to the crossroads.

It's tricky, but I would consider changing things like "I'd seen" to "I seen" and "sinning" to "sinnin' " A thoroughgoing job of this might be too much, I suppose. But "I'd seen" keeps wanting to steer into "I seen" coming off the lot.

Rick

[Julie Steiner]

Hi, Ashley! Nice to see you back at the 'Sphere.

The less-specific title "Crossroads" is a big improvement, although the tenses in the poem seem to indicate that the crossroads is firmly in the rear-view mirror now.

About that...I have some thoughts, which you are of course welcome to ignore if this isn't your vision for the poem.

If this were mine, which it isn't, I would fill the octave with references to the Lord's omniscience. I think that acknowledgment would make the octave feel more aggrieved and accusatory, and thus would make the sestet's reference to the Lord's questioning of why the narrator's knees are dark feel as unnecessary (for information-gathering purposes) as the questions in Genesis right after the Fall: "Where are you?" and "Who told you you were naked?" Surely an omniscient being already knows.

Anyway, I'd suggest:

     Dear Lord, you know you make this world a coffin
     so cramped my ribs could never catch their breath.
     You know you framed it up too snug for me
     to fit beside Eternity’s wide hips.
     You know my sinning’s made my soul so heavy
     even angels wince beneath its weight.
     You know the Sabbath’s just another day
     of suffering when a mister’s field needs sowing.

     So when you ask me why my knees are dark

Making it an indicative "are dark" instead of a more subjunctive "were dark" would open the possibility that the setting is a direct, literal calling-on-the-carpet instead of a merely hypothetical, future one — and thus that the narrator's lack of repentance is more daringly in-your-face.

Just suggestions, take 'em or leave 'em. No need to explain your decision either way. Enjoyed.

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Ashley,

Sorry I ignored the title change in the rewrite.... As you were.

RM

[Ashley Bowen]

Julie: Thanks for the detailed thoughts. I've revised along the lines of your suggestions, making the poem a direct assault on God's decisions as an explanation for the speaker's action. I appreciate your thoughts.

Rick: Thanks for coming back with more thoughts. I appreciate your help with this.

Hilary: Much appreciate your coming back to this. I'm still mulling over that last line. It's a tough nut. Thanks again.