[James Brancheau]

Widow’s Watch
.......--for my mother

I need to assemble a phantom there
against grey days like this—a bonnet

borrowed from a cloud, a dress of mist
a light realized stretching all the way

to the ground. There are sighs I steal
from exhaling waves, a heartbeat taken

from a worked up sea. A myth such views
were used by wives to hope, breathe in

returning ships, or maybe their precious
cargo spilled from splitting hulls deep

with lives. But she’s there, I know, if only
willed, real as a horizon line, as wind

released from broken boats, from sails
and coats it bellied and blew against.

On grey days like this, I see her emptied,
tossed, descend to greet the repeating wreck

of waves, the shattered air, its salty kiss,
and disappear again, reassembled by loss.

[James Brancheau]

The title refers to this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widow%27s_walk. If that isn’t clear enough here, obviously I’ll have to figure that out. Thanks.

[Hilary Biehl]

This is absolutely gorgeous from beginning to end.

I got a bit stuck on the grammar of the last four lines. I think it's the shift from "emptied, tossed" to "descend" that is tripping me up. For me it would be clearer if it was something like "I see her - emptied, / tossed - descend to greet" or maybe "I see her emptied, / tossed, descending to greet" ... (If you don't want a comma at the line break, that's fine too.)

Regarding the title, I didn't know the term widow's watch. I have heard of a widow's walk. The poem still worked for me, though.

It's really good. Don't change too much.

[John Boddie]

I suggest you consider:

Dropping the first line and part of the second. No need is established in what follows. Start with the bonnet. If you're going to focus on the visuals, start out doing so.

Consider dropping
"...or maybe their precious
cargo spilled from splitting hulls deep

with lives. But ..."

The chances of seeing cargo or splitting hulls from a widow's walk are extremely unlikely.

You have a solid concept. It's worth some editing, but it may turn out very well.

JB

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, James—

I, too, really like this poem. The ghostly woman composed (or imagined) from cloud, mist, and sea is magical. I especially like the windy sound effects in S6-7: the /w/ alliteration, /ō/ assonance, repetition of “from. . . ,” and internal rhyme of “boats” and “coats” is very effective.

Like Hilary, I stumbled a bit on the syntax of S7. Your reluctance to use commas at the ends of lines makes the sentence structure a bit obscure here.

Much enjoyed.

Glenn

[James Brancheau]

I’m very pleased that you like this, Hilary. Yes, I was wondering if I could get away with the moment that tripped you up. As far as I can tell (and I’d be happy to be corrected), I don’t think it's grammatically incorrect, but it’s not exactly reader-friendly either. Although I have the words where I want them, I’m still considering alternatives—been over and over it. Your suggestion of putting em dashes around “emptied / tossed” might do the trick. I’m thinking… I’d titled it “Widow’s Walk” at one point, but I thought that “Watch” did more for the poem (though it may be a lesser-known way of putting it). Greatly appreciated.

Hey John—thank you very much for your input. I’m afraid that, for now at least, I need what you suggested that I cut. I do really understand the desire to make the poem even more driven by image. If I thought that I could still do what I wanted to do with the poem by dropping the beginning, for example, I certainly would. At present, I wouldn’t know how to pull it off without establishing the speaker as an observer from the start. For example, in earlier drafts, I had ”she empties / tossed, descends…” but because I felt that I needed that observer there as well, I changed it to “I see her emptied” etc. And, sure, it can be assumed that the speaker is doing the observing anyway, but that understanding, connection is so essential to the poem that I feel that I can’t do without it. But you made me think a good deal about it, and over time maybe I’ll see it your way. Lastly, I didn’t mean to suggest that the cargo spilling/hull splitting could be seen by the woman. Just that the boat didn’t return. Maybe “had spilled” would make that clearer? Thank you again.

Very happy that you gave this the thumbs up, Glenn. Regarding the comma, yes yes yes. I’ve been going back and forth on that. The small stuff can drive you nuts. I'll continue to think it over. Probably I'll cave and just add the comma. Very much appreciate your thoughts.

[John Boddie]

James - As soon as you mention "Widow's Walk" you establish the role of observer. The Widow's Walk was purpose built to be a place of observation and the reference to widows reflects the fact that husbands who captained ships (only the well-to-do could afford multi-storied residences) were typically away from their homes for several months at a time.

[Jim Moonan]

.
Ah!

This is exquisite. If only I could conjure my own mother like you have yours. I don't have much time so I won't bother combing for nits. But I'll come back to see if I can breathe in the spirit of this and try again to find my own mother who waits out there just beyond the mist for me to talk to her.

Here's an intriguing painting of a widow's watch. Look closely.

Great work, James.

.

[John Riley]

James, maybe start with “there are sighs . . From my reading that eliminates the slower start that drags it out while maintaining the stronger pov. Would doing that cut anything crucial?

[Hilary Biehl]

I will advocate for the beginning lines to stay. I was immediately pulled in by "I need to assemble a phantom there." It sets the scene and for me there is nothing slow or dragging about it.