[Jim Ramsey]

Splitting Atoms in the Spirit World

Our every quark is matter someone-something intimately knew,
and though soldiers sowed our fields with many souls of honorees they slew,
it’s we the meek who’ve sloughed a zillion motes of skin to bond, regrow,
with faith they’ll outlive power’s lust for weapons ever more sadistic.

I’m grown from atoms that long ago composed a dinosaur’s big toe
and own a few bequeathed by air once breathed by Edgar Allen Poe.
We all have died before and lived again—it really isn’t mystic.
Our shifty atoms rearrange but never die—it’s simply physic.

It’s known that Genghis Khan would choose a thousand brides from conquered foes.
His DNA would visit many ova over Asia’s plains.
Most battles end in shame when generals and potentates arrange
our atom maps and pump their egos via woes and wars logistic.

I hope that most heroic tales and myths survive eternally.
I hope that timeworn tombs, sepulchers, pyramids forever stand,
and never, like the fearsome Ozymandias, cover up with sand—
but fade they will, opposed by dust and cells I shed paternally.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim—

I needed a couple of days to think about this poem before responding to it. I like poems treating scientific subjects. This is a well-explored consideration of the scientific truth that we are temporary arrangements of permanent atoms. I think what bothered me initially was that the “Spirit World” mentioned in the title never makes an appearance in the poem. Were the “heroic tales and myths” in S4L1 meant to represent the spiritual world? You stop just short of denying the existence of the spiritual, saying merely that it, like everything, will fade.

You do a nice job of unfolding your thoughts in an amusing way that prevents the exposition from being tedious. Three crits that occurred to me are the following:

1. In S2L4 the word “physic” bothered me. “Physics” is like “news” or “politics.” It is already singular, so dropping the “-s” just changes the meaning drastically.

2. This is posted in the Met forum, but I had a bit of difficulty determining the meter. Most lines seem to be iambic octameter (a meter I have not encountered before), but a few (like S1L2 and S4L3) were a bit wobbly. The syntax of S3L4 stymied me..

3. The last word, “paternally” landed with a thud. Perhaps this was intentional? I expected a word like “paternalistic” that carried through the rhyme at the end of each quatrain.

I hope these remarks are helpful.

Glenn

[Stephen Hampton]

https://www.sunshinedixieland.com/th...fallahnon.html
I enjoyed reading your poem; found it lacking in spirituality; not a cut, just a gut, feeling-) It is late and I should sac out!
All the best,
SWH

[Jim Moonan]

.
Jim, I like some of the science in this but see little spirit. And I like the poetic thoughts that went into this. But I think it could be expressed more slantly than it is — and that’s coming from someone who craves clarity in some way shape or form to be contained within a poem. (I’m lazy.)

I would suggest that this is a work in progress and to keep experimenting with the lineation, the rhyme scheme (which is irregular) and the metrical aspect of it (I don’t think rises to formal metrical as I’ve become used to on this board).

My last suggestion is the most common suggestion made here on the Erato boards: continue to hone it down to its essential message(es). For example I think you could eliminate S3. It could be that the poem is six lines. Maybe eight. And it might be better for its brevity.

Like Glenn,the word “physic” also jumped out as being rhyme driven.

Then there's the afterthought I have whenever I read an explanation of how we are immortal beings because we are made from stardust: I think to myself, Is that all there is? Is that immortality? So there's that.

.

[Yves S L]

changed my mind

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Glenn,

Thanks for stopping by. Your thoughts are much appreciated

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

Hi, Jim—

I needed a couple of days to think about this poem before responding to it. I like poems treating scientific subjects. This is a well-explored consideration of the scientific truth that we are temporary arrangements of permanent atoms. I think what bothered me initially was that the “Spirit World” mentioned in the title never makes an appearance in the poem. Were the “heroic tales and myths” in S4L1 meant to represent the spiritual world? You stop just short of denying the existence of the spiritual, saying merely that it, like everything, will fade.

So many thoughts can run through my anxious mind that I have trouble sticking to one topic. I think my poems get long and stretched thin. Wedding science and spirituality is not common I think. But I thought I'd set them up in a casual fling. I was depending on the ideas of afterlife, buried souls, and a sort of "May the Force be with you," collusion of little atom gods or spirits for the referenced spirit world of the title, but comments show I did not succeed. I was thinking vital forces, especially ones not necessarily limited to humans. Some Native Americans have spirit animals that I believe speak to them in dreams and visions. I was trying to let the dust of the world have a little say. I didn't think of this as didactic, but also not as a farce. I like poetry to get out of its box.

You do a nice job of unfolding your thoughts in an amusing way that prevents the exposition from being tedious. Three crits that occurred to me are the following:

1. In S2L4 the word “physic” bothered me. “Physics” is like “news” or “politics.” It is already singular, so dropping the “-s” just changes the meaning drastically.

I meant physic in its meaning as a medicine or curative with of course the play on the word physics as a science. There are a couple words that comments so far have questioned and I'll have to think about them.

2. This is posted in the Met forum, but I had a bit of difficulty determining the meter. Most lines seem to be iambic octameter (a meter I have not encountered before), but a few (like S1L2 and S4L3) were a bit wobbly. The syntax of S3L4 stymied me..

I'll take a look at these. Iambic octameter was what I was shooting for. I was thinking prosy but not prose in light of the subject matter, which is matter, if that matters. I tried to get eight accents to a line while allowing variations or the pattern to carry readers when needed.

3. The last word, “paternally” landed with a thud. Perhaps this was intentional? I expected a word like “paternalistic” that carried through the rhyme at the end of each quatrain.

I thought this one over before I went with paternal. To me "paternalistic" meant like a father while "paternal" meant of the father. I did want my rhymes to be more patterned. I flip-flopped stanzas and lines many times trying to get there but gave it up, at least to this point.

I hope these remarks are helpful. They are. My revision process is an unending process.

Glenn

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Stephen,

Thanks for commenting. Having "spirit world" in the title may be a reach. I do think science and spirituality can coexist, even in poetry, and I'll try to think of a better way of showing that.

Jim

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jim M.,

Thanks for your thoughts. They are helpful.

Originally Posted by Jim Moonan

.
Jim, I like some of the science in this but see little spirit. And I like the poetic thoughts that went into this. But I think it could be expressed more slantly than it is — and that’s coming from someone who craves clarity in some way shape or form to be contained within a poem. (I’m lazy.)

You are making this a consensus so far that my reference to "spirit world" in the title is not resonating. Your comment has a little extra in it I think. You seem to be referencing also the spirit of the poem itself, implying perhaps it lacks a little heart and emotion. That's a very fair thing to say, but was partly intentional on my part. I am always questioning what poetry is or isn't, which is somewhat delusional for a rarely published wannabe.



I would suggest that this is a work in progress and to keep experimenting with the lineation, the rhyme scheme (which is irregular) and the metrical aspect of it (I don’t think rises to formal metrical as I’ve become used to on this board).

I've never been satisfied with any of these things, but I did think I worked out the metrics for the most part though. I'kk keep working on it all.

My last suggestion is the most common suggestion made here on the Erato boards: continue to hone it down to its essential message(es). For example I think you could eliminate S3. It could be that the poem is six lines. Maybe eight. And it might be better for its brevity.

Like Glenn,the word “physic” also jumped out as being rhyme driven.

I was not simply shortening the word physics, but I think I've used physic so peculiarly that I'll have to revisit the issue. Like I said to Glenn, I meant it in an old-fashioned sort of way meaning a medicine or curative.

Then there's the afterthought I have whenever I read an explanation of how we are immortal beings because we are made from stardust: I think to myself, Is that all there is? Is that immortality? So there's that.

I know what you mean. I hope I am not sounding too rational in this. I tried to give it a comic touch with a lot of room left for speculation. I used to work in an office where everyone was highly educated. After I casually mentioned one day some "fact" I had learned about dinosaurs, a CPA, an attorney, and an MBA holder came into my office the next day with pamphlets and arguments proving that dinosaurs could not have existed more than six thousand years ago. My mother-in-law's church just voted to leave the national one over the issue of paying pensions to gay ministers. My wife went to the replica of Noah's Ark in Tennessee with some of her family last year. She was not very receptive of my negative opinion of God annihilating nearly all of humanity because people were getting a little uppity, not showing proper humility, and engaging in casual sex. There's got to be something behind the intricacies and beauty of the universe besides the inventions of fallible human beings, and I hope we keep working to discover it.

.