[Hilary Biehl]

The English title walks that line between appreciation and appropriation in a respectful way. I wouldn't change it.

[Susan McLean]

Thanks, Cathy and Hilary.

I have made a slight change to the wording of L6-7 in response to some suggestions I got outside of Eratosphere.

Susan

[Roger Slater]

Either revision works for me just fine now, though personally I'd slightly prefer the single breeze to the plural breezes. It would feel like a specific observation of a particular thing that happened, rather than a general description of a breezy condition. And also, though this may be what you wanted to avoid, a single breeze might subconsciously register like a sign of some sort, perhaps a last good-bye from Mother. But either way works well, and it's a strong poem.

[Jim Moonan]

.
This poem is in my throat, Susan. Well expressed emotion of the inexpressible.

Repeated readings revealed something I can't unsee: The repetition of "As" to begin the first two sentences. From a critical standpoint, it might be something you can avoid. Just a thought.

I love this poem.

.

[Susan McLean]

Roger, I'd say the breeze was intermittent, so it doesn't hurt to refer to it as multiple breezes, which I need for the meter.

Jim, I hadn't intended that repetition of "As" so I have changed the second one to "While.

Thanks for the help in fine-tuning.

Susan

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Susan,

Some nice stuff here. A few parts felt a bit overly ornate to me, striving too hard to be poetic. The rhymes generally worked well for me, and didn't feel forced, which is a bit of an achievement when you have so many rhymes to satisfy.

I felt the first four lines were too concerned with setting the scene in a way that was relatively bland compared to the rest of the poem. Is there anything else you could put there? And/Or maybe start with lines 4-8 instead?

"Flutter the tablecloths and vibrant vases" would certainly be a more arresting and interesting opening (with flutter being used as a command here).

Anyway, some specific comments below. Hope it's of some help.

All the best,

Trevor

Day of the Dead [This title doesn't fit with the poem for me. How about just "Picnic"?]

As if the day had taken on her calm
and warmth, a sky serene and blue extends ["serene" is too obviously poetic, I think]
above the blazing maples. While her friends [The idea of blazing maples feels too familiar; I feel like it's been done loads of times before. Can you come up with a more original image?]
and family gather, breezes soft as balm [again, this feels too poetic in a forced or overly familiar way]
flutter the tablecloths and vibrant vases
of cannas and zinnias. How can we remember,
given our lively chat and smiling faces,
we're picnicking in volatile November? [I like this idea, and especially the choice of the word "volatile" as an adjective for November]

Above the tableful of photos flies
a vee of geese, still low, in close formation, [Maybe V, not vee? I was confused at first]
honking in concord as they carry on [I love honking. Simple but perfect]
their sociable, long-distance conversation. [Too many adjectives here. Trying too hard, it feels to me. Sociable seems redundant, and long-distance is already implied, so is anything else you could use?]
We pause to watch them as they slowly rise
and fade until, like Mother, they are gone. [I imagine the connection of this scene with your loss is integral to the poem for you, but as a reader, it felt like an unconnected development at the end. I think if you want to include this idea, it needs to be foreshadowed with an earlier mention of the mother or grief or loss, although I think it would work best to simply focus on the geese or the picnic]

[Susan McLean]

Thanks for your reactions, Trevor. This poem is meant to work in layers, so it is interesting to hear which ones are working for you and which ones aren't. The title, for instance, alludes to November 1, the Day of the Dead in some Hispanic cultures, when it is typical for people to picnic in graveyards with their dead loved ones. Food and seasonal flowers figure in the celebration. The event being described is a Celebration of Life for the speaker's mother, and it is being held on that day in the form of a picnic in the mother's favorite park, not a graveyard. The description of the calmness and warmth of the day is supposed to allude both to the mother and to the unusually warm day. But I deliberately withhold some of that information at the start, so that it will come together at the end. The conversation of the geese is supposed to mirror the chat of the people. I usually see geese very high in the sky, but the park here is near a river, so the geese have just taken off from it.

I take your point about the "poetic" quality of some of the language. That is partly a side effect of the rhymes, so some of those words are hard to change without drastic changes to the content. I will think about whether that can be done without sacrificing what I think works well about the poem.

Susan

[David Callin]

I like this too, Susan. You've arrived - with a little help from your friends - at a very pleasing and touching final version. And a fine tribute to your mother.

Cheers

David

[Julie Steiner]

What David said.