[Richard G]

.
Notes for the Reader:
1......Any unfamiliar name is likely to be (a) a person or creature from European folklore, (b) a biscuit (also European, and also) usually eaten at Christmas, or (c) both.
2......One of the games in S7 is entirely fictional.
3......Two of the characters are real.*

______________


(1).....The beastly Christmas Biscuit Thief has struck again. That muffled squeak is Santa chimneying to find that all that has been left behind's an empty glass. The dust of sugar sparkles in the air. Some bugger's pinched his pie, they've swigged his sherry. It's a festive mystery:

(title)..The Unlocked Room & Purloined Pastry.

(2)....."Pull my crackers! Not one treat.
No dainties, nibbles, no sweetmeat.
No carrots left beside the tree.
No mouthful on the mantlepiece.

(3)....This has happened far too often.
There's a whiff of something rotten."
Father Christmas huffs and glares,
dumps his sack down on a chair,

(4).....then, from one deep, felt coat pocket,
draws a ledger, and consults it.
"Someone's playing us for fools,
they're making mock of Yuletide rules."

(5).....Rudolph, nodding, ruminates,
at the window where he waits.

(6)....."Twice I've checked it. Look," Says Santa.
"See? The Naughty List is shorter.
Abbey Lubber's sworn off booze.
Brownies, likewise, and that crew

(7).....always spends tonight at Bogle's
with the Kołaczkis and Kobolds
playing Snap! or Dunker's Rage.
Nor, I'm sure, is it the Maids

(8).....of Biddenden as, quite by chance,
they both have that intolerance
to gluten. And, I do not doubt
that Bluecap's still abed, spark out."

(9).....Rudolph snorts, continues chewing.
Father Christmas keeps on fuming.

(10)....."Ogres still prefer the bones
of babies, rarely enter homes
but when they do they make a mess
much, much, messier than this.

(11).....And Zimtsternes will confess
to anything, and everything.
They're wanting the attention
would be my guess. Like Trolls.

(12).....They really, really get my goat.

(13).....Dun Cow doesn't care for dairy.
Lady Finger's nose is fairly
clean these days. The Brag's in chokey,
yet again. Those tough cookies

(14).....Pepernoot and Fattigmann
are too impulsive, they don't plan.
Unlike Maddie Macaroon.
Except, of course, that her balloon

(15).....hasn't got the speed she'd need.
And we know it can't be Greenteeth.
Ginger Breadman thinks he's quick.
He isn't. And he lacks the magic

(16).....to pull this off. For him to rob–"

(17).....Rudolph swallows, interrupts,
"Maybe it's an inside job?"


(18).....Outside, in the darkness, snow falls, but imperceptibly slow.


_________________

* Probably.


Edits: punctuation, typo correction and one singular made plural, per Carl.

.

[Carl Copeland]

This quirky Christmas tale shouldn’t go uncommented, but I don’t feel up to it. Seems like a job for Rogerbob (and always Matt). Other than a vague sense that it’s too long, all I can offer are a few technical notes:

I like the effect of the interspersed short stanzas and the prose prologue and epilogue, though the first sentence of the prologue gives too much away, and the last word of the latter should be “slowly.”

S6: The punctuation should be Look,” says Santa. Is “Abbby” is a typo?

S7: I see no reason not to pluralize “Kołaczkis,” and I go back and forth on whether “crew” should take a singular or plural verb, but I thought you Brits favo(u)red plural.

S10 is one of my favorites, but I personally would drop the “but” in L3 and start a new sentence. No good reason; it’d just make the stanza flow better metrically for me.

S11: You drop the rhyme here, though I’ll confess I didn’t notice till I checked. “Rage/Maids” is a great slant, BTW, and even the wrenched rhyme “quick/magic” works for me.

None of this goes to the heart of the poem, so I look forward to more insightful comments from others.

[Richard G]

Hi Carl.
Thanks for taking the time. Much appreciated.

all I can offer are a few technical notes:
Gratefully received.

though the first sentence of the prologue gives too much away,
How so?

and the last word of the latter should be “slowly.”
It's the (flat/simple/bare) adverbial form of slow.

S6: The punctuation should be Look,” says Santa.
Thanks.
Is “Abbby” is a typo?
Yes, drat. Thanks again.
Fixed.

S7: I see no reason not to pluralize “Kołaczkis,”
To me it sounds plural, but no problem with adding an s.
and I go back and forth on whether “crew” should take a singular or plural verb, but I thought you Brits favo(u)red plural.
But the Brownies are a (singular) crew.

S10 is one of my favorites, but I personally would drop the “but” in L3 and start a new sentence. No good reason; it’d just make the stanza flow better metrically for me.
Better metrically is reason enough. Will revisit.
Perhaps
"Ogres still prefer the bones
of babies, rarely enter homes
where they always leave a mess
much, much, messier than this.
?

RG.

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Richard G

though the first sentence of the prologue gives too much away,
How so?

I guess what I really should have said is that you could cut that sentence, and we’d come to the same conclusion a little more indirectly. It’s no big deal.

Originally Posted by Richard G

and the last word of the latter should be “slowly.”
It's the (flat/simple/bare) adverbial form of slow.

“Slow” can be used as an adverb, but I don’t care for it here. Would you say, “it’s snowing slow”?

Originally Posted by Richard G

S7: I see no reason not to pluralize “Kołaczkis,”

To me it sounds plural, but no problem with adding an s.

The letter “i” can be a plural ending in Slavic languages, but I do think it needs an “s” in English.

Originally Posted by Richard G

and I go back and forth on whether “crew” should take a singular or plural verb, but I thought you Brits favo(u)red plural.
But the Brownies are a (singular) crew.

Ok, go with what sounds best to you. It’s just that you Brits are the ones who like stuff like “the government are …”

Originally Posted by Richard G

B]S10 is one of my favorites, but I personally would drop the “but” in L3 and start a new sentence. No good reason; it’d just make the stanza flow better metrically for me.[/b]
Better metrically is reason enough. Will revisit.
Perhaps
"Ogres still prefer the bones
of babies, rarely enter homes
where they always leave a mess
much, much, messier than this.
?

I’m happy with it metrically, but “rarely enter homes, where they always …” sounds mildly contradictory to me.

[Richard G]

Hi Carl.
Thanks for returning. Much appreciated.

I guess what I really should have said is that you could cut that sentence, and we’d come to the same conclusion a little more indirectly. It’s no big deal.
I don't know what conclusion you came to, so I'm not sure how that line has any bearing on that (it wasn't intended have any.)

The letter “i” can be a plural ending in Slavic languages, but I do think it needs an “s” in English.
Changed.

Ok, go with what sounds best to you. It’s just that you Brits are the ones who like stuff like “the government are …”
We do, but inconsistently we're also comfortable with "that gang is ..."

sounds mildly contradictory to me.
Hadn't seen that. Ha. Will ponder.
Okay. How about

(10)....."Ogres still prefer the bones
of babies, rarely enter homes.
And they're known to leave a mess
much, much, messier than this.
?

As for the 'wrenched rhyme', maybe this is a less bumpy alternative?

(15)....."hasn't got the speed she'd need.
And we know it can't be Greenteeth.
Ginger Breadman thinks he's fast
but Time's caught up with him, at last.

(16)....."He lacks the magic, couldn't rob–"
?

Thanks again.
RG.

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Richard G

I don't know what conclusion you came to, so I'm not sure how that line has any bearing on that (it wasn't intended have any.)

The conclusion was that someone had swiped Santa’s goodies, that’s all. I think I’d rather you let it come more slowly, without immediately stating what happened and who did it. But it’s a minor point that I shouldn’t belabor.

Originally Posted by Richard G

sounds mildly contradictory to me.
Hadn't seen that. Ha. Will ponder.
Okay. How about

(10)....."Ogres still prefer the bones
of babies, rarely enter homes.
And they're known to leave a mess
much, much, messier than this.

Ok, but I still like my original minimal tweak:

"Ogres still prefer the bones
of babies, rarely enter homes.
When they do, they make a mess
much, much, messier than this.

Originally Posted by Richard G

As for the 'wrenched rhyme', maybe this is a less bumpy alternative?

(15) hasn't got the speed she'd need.
And we know it can't be Greenteeth.
Ginger Breadman thinks he's fast
but Time's caught up with him, at last.

The new version’s fine, but I didn’t mean “wrenched rhyme” pejoratively. I don’t normally care for them, but I liked the way you made this one work for me. Don’t change it on my account.

BTW, S7 has a wrenched rhyme if you stress “Kobolds” on the second syllable, as the meter suggests. If you stress it on the first syllable, you need another article to smooth out the meter:

WITH the KoŁACZkis AND the KObolds

[Richard G]

Hi Carl.

The conclusion was that someone had swiped Santa’s goodies, that’s all.
To be fair that's the prologue.
I think I’d rather you let it come more slowly, without immediately stating what happened and who did it.
I never state who did it.

Ok, but I still like my original minimal tweak:
Hmm ... Perhaps

"Ogres still prefer the bones
of babies, rarely enter homes.
And they'll leave behind a mess
much, much, messier than this.
?

The new version’s fine, but I didn’t mean “wrenched rhyme” pejoratively. I don’t normally care for them, but I liked the way you made this one work for me.
Then it stays. Thanks.

If you stress it on the first syllable,
Or (and thanks for pointing this out, by the way) the singular could return, as in

WITH koŁACZki AND the KObolds
?

RG.

[Barbara Baig]

Hi Richard,
Even though I didn't understand most of the references, this poem made me laugh. First, the basic premise: Santa complaining about not getting his usual goodies. Then the long listing of possible culprits and the reasons why they couldn't have "dunnit." And Rudolph adding his comments.
All quite enjoyably absurd.

I do think that the poem could benefit from being shorter. And I agree with Carl that the prose intro to the poem isn't really necessary. Maybe you could change the title to "The Christmas Biscuit Thief"? And maybe leave out the line about the snow at the end?

And when Rudolph suggests it's an "inside job," does he mean inside Santa's crew, or inside the particular house where Santa's talking? (Or did I miss the point of this entirely?)

Barbara

[Richard G]

Hi Barbara.

All quite enjoyably absurd.
Thank you.

the prose intro to the poem isn't really necessary
Perhaps, but I'd be loathe to lose chimneying and the storybook element. Will ponder.

And when Rudolph suggests it's an "inside job," does he mean inside Santa's crew, or inside the particular house where Santa's talking?
It's deliberately ambiguous, how you solve the 'crime' is up to you.
(Or did I miss the point of this entirely?)
I don't think you did.

RG.