[Richard G]

Hi Matt,
read this a few times now, and it repays re-reading. I'm thinking that the emergence of the bruises suggests she was very recently dead when he found her, increasing the possibility that he actually killed her. Though I'm not sure he did. Blouse felt a little incompatible with his circumstances, unless she was there in some professional capacity, a health visitor of some sort? Don't know, but like the space to speculate.
Some nits: The 'grey mongrel bitch' line - seems one for the dog lovers/owners. Do you need it?
'the only roads he takes' - but then there are all the other ones (outside) in the woods, to the allotment, and the 'forked path' made the point already.
Home is how it always is. A forked path of carpet through an undergrowth of pizza boxes, unopened mail, empty bottles of cut-price coke. Left to kitchen, right to couch, the bedroom long since stolen by the woods.
Does 'cleaned-up face' mean to suggest that she cleaned up her face (removing traces of the assault), or that her face was as it was before the murder. (I couldn't tell.)
Do you need 'crashes in' (para4)? It might be better for the dream to be soundless to go with the 'stillness' of the 'almost Friday'.

I don't think you've nailed the ending yet (but I did like 'Bluebottles' - haven't thought about that term for the police in years) - the section between the doorbell and the door bursting in felt too long.
It's Sunday, and swarming with police ?

Regards,
RG

PS. Deserves a better title, I think.

[Matt Q]

James and Richard,

Thanks both!

James,

Thanks for sticking with this. I've tweaked the close again, dropping "morning" to reduce amount of rhyme, so now the explicit mention of police has gone again. And now it's:

The door bursts in. It's Sunday and the dawn is swarming.


Richard

I'm pleased you enjoyed this, and thanks for your specific points, which gave me lots to think about.

Originally Posted by Richard G

The 'grey mongrel bitch' line - seems one for the dog lovers/owners. Do you need it?

I was hoping it was doing some work. "mongrel" to show it's not an expensive dog, "bitch" to show it's female: the oddity of naming all his dogs after his first dog seemed strengthened if that's done irrespective of their sex.

'the only roads he takes' - but then there are all the other ones (outside) in the woods, to the allotment, and the 'forked path' made the point already.

I was intending to echo Frost's poem, "The Road Not Taken", here ("two roads diverge in a yellow wood"). I also have "diverge" in the previous sentence. Though I guess that may not add too much, if anything. I was also thinking these are the only paths in the house that he takes, and hadn't considered that it'd be read to include the outside. I think you're right that "the only roads he takes" could go. I'm definitely considering it.

Does 'cleaned-up face' mean to suggest that she cleaned up her face (removing traces of the assault), or that her face was as it was before the murder. (I couldn't tell.)

I'd assumed "cleaned-up" would imply that it had previously been dirty, so post-murder. Though I don't think I mind which way it is read.

Do you need 'crashes in' (para4)? It might be better for the dream to be soundless to go with the 'stillness' of the 'almost Friday'.

Maybe. I don't know. I think dream can be noisy and the outside world silent. Being asleep, he won't know that the dawn had been silent, of course, but I was thinking that his neighbours would, so this might be another thing that raises suspicion (or would be discovered by the police later).

the section between the doorbell and the door bursting in felt too long

I did wonder about that. But I do them to find him muddy spade in hand. And the dogs signal the police, especially now the police are not explicitly mentioned.


Thanks again, both.

Matt

[Richard G]

Hi Matt.

I was hoping it was doing some work. "mongrel" to show it's not an expensive dog,
Okay
"bitch" to show it's female:
Here's where I get a bit squeamish. Given the victim, what does the sex of the dog matter? It feels like I'm being told less about her than a dog.
the oddity of naming all his dogs after his first dog seemed strengthened if that's done irrespective of their sex.
Quite, so why mention their sex? (Also, I'm not sure there's much suggestion of different sexes.
like his first dog, like every dog he’s ever had.
and since his first is the same sex as the current one, one might infer that they were all female.)

I was intending to echo Frost's poem,
Yes I liked the play, you mention two paths diverging and that he takes both.

finding/grabbing the spade
But I do them to find him muddy spade in hand.
Aren't you, perhaps, over-egging this particular pudding? I think you might trust that 'spade still gripped in his muddy hands' will get the message across (regarding potential police discoveries.)

The next night, another dream. Bluebottles in their millions, emerging iridescent from her grave, buzzing insistent as a doorbell – wakes to banging, dogs barking, stumbles half-awake toward the door, freezes, can’t go further. It's Sunday. The dawn bursts in.

The 'wakes' / 'half-away' jars a bit. Maybe

The next night, another dream. Bluebottles in their millions, emerging iridescent from her grave, buzzing insistent as a doorbell – wakes to banging, the barking of dogs, grabs the spade, lurches toward the door, freezes. It's Sunday. The dawn bursts in.

Incidentally, might 'Sunday' make an alternative title?


RG.