[Matt Q]

Thanks Barbara,

Confusingly, a ballad doesn't have to be in ballad metre!

But if it's four beats a line alternating with three beats a line, that's called "ballad metre".

As in your example, there are ballads that are four beats to a line throughout. Often these include refrains as the second and fourth lines of each verse. This happens in the one you've quoted (with some variations). Also, check out Lord Randal, too, which also does this too. Thomas (the) Rymer is an example of a four beat ballads that doesn't have a refrain.

I was just intrigued by your description of a ballad that was mostly four beats, but some lines could be three beats.

Anyway, great news that you'll try to rewrite this in ballad metre. That's a lot of work. I'll look forward to seeing results.

Matt

[Barbara Baig]

Thanks, Matt. I really appreciate all the time you've taken with this. When I re-write in ballad metre, I'm also going to re-think the storyline, so it may be a while before this one shows up again.

[Barbara Baig]

Thanks to everyone who offered good suggestions, here's a new version of "Tom Linne." I lost most of the folklore associations in this version, but maybe that's okay. Note that Tom's fingers bleed because he hasn't played his guitar for seven weeks, and his callouses have softened. I'm looking forward to hearing comments on this version.

[Richard G]

Hi Barbara,
no problems distinguishing between Janet and the witch in this version. This flows nicely.

That said, I didn't think it that clear that the local bar of verse one is the same bar that features in verse eight. If it is, and it almost certainly is, then I think some mention of his band should be made in the opening section. You could cut the final three lines of verse three (as the information is repeated later in the poem) and have them setting up or something.
I thought 'old dreams in their eyes' was very nice.

You've 'bartender' three times in those three verses, why not give him a name? (His being the bartender doesn't seem that relevant.) And why not name the bar?

It feels a bit light on what's motivating the witch. (And why Janet doesn't ask where he's been all this time?)

This felt, to me, like a weak line in the chain

For seven weeks Tom had been her slave,
He did whatever she said.
But this night he found a secret way out
Left her lying naked in bed.

What has changed for Tom that he's suddenly looking for a way out. Is the 'enamouring' wearing off?


RG.

[Barbara Baig]

Excellent questions, Richard. Thanks.

[Carl Copeland]

I really like what you’ve done with this, Barbara. I’m now grooving to the 4-3-4-3 ballad meter, and I even think the poem works as loose iambic, not just accentual. A few thoughts:

“Tom Linne?” asked one, “the guitar dude?”

You’ve got four beats, and in loose iambic, “the guitar dude” would be a double iamb, but as I sing along, I keep getting a hillbilly “GUI-tar.” It’s probably just me.

“He’s missed seven weeks of gigs—
“He must’ve left town.”

I can squeeze 4 and 3 beats out of these lines if I work at it, but 3 and 2 is easier:

“he’s MISSED seven WEEKS of GIGS—
“He MUST’ve left TOWN.”

That same night, in a house on the Hill,

Is the Hill a proper name, like the one in D.C.?

But this night he found a secret way out

You need some punctuation after “out.”

I assume he snuck out because his fingers were itching for the strings. If it needs spelling out, you could say something like that instead of “he found a secret way out.” I don’t suppose she actually had to lock him in or anything.

“It feels so friggin’ right.”

I’m not sure you need to italicize “right.” Wouldn’t an exclamation point do better?

He looked up to see

This is a little too easy to read as:

he looked UP (like “i’ve been CRAZED” two lines later)

Something like “He raised his eyes to see” would be metrically clearer.

“I’ll do anything, dear Tom,” she said,
“To keep you free from harm.”

He’s hardly had time to say anything, so I wonder why she thinks he’s in danger and she can do something about it.

“Here’s how to break the spell.”

How about an ellipsis in place of a period?

Then—a limousine

With the witch inside. Her black eyes proud:

I can’t help adding a full stop after “limousine” and am caught off guard every time by the continuation. Why not start the next quatrain with “The witch rode inside, her black eyes proud:”

Her necklace of precious gems.

This isn’t an independent clause and so fits uneasily into its sentence: “Her black eyes [are] proud … Her shoulders [are] bare … Her necklace of precious gems.” Could you restore a bit of the original line, e.g., “She fondles her string of gems.”

Still she holds on tight—the snake is gone—

There’s a temptation to stress “Still,” so I suggest dropping or moving it: “She still holds tight.”

And the father of her child.

Has she had time to figure this out? I don’t miss Janet’s father, but that episode did give some sense of passing time. I do miss the weird rose-pulling incident.

BTW, cutting off Tom’s hands is fiendishly appropriate, but the willow-eye punishment was wonderfully bizarre.

[Barbara Baig]

Thanks so much, Carl, for all your helpful suggestions. In this draft, I was primarily trying to get the rhythm right. Now I've got to return to the original ballad and decide on content I should add. I liked the rose, too, but I have no idea how to make that work!