[Marshall Begel]

Hey, Glenn

I've written some cat poems, but never reached the grandeur of "Lord of tuna and litter"! I like it!

I'm (probably too) picky about meter, but here I'd suggest:
S2L2: "or wanted admiration for his skill"
S2L4: "displaying" instead of "sporting the"
S3L1: "perhaps" instead of "maybe"
S3L4: "eye" instead of "notice"

What do you think about "The Offering" as a title, since there's not much sparrowness in the piece?

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Matt, Max, and Richard—

Thanks, all, for sharing your thoughts. They are very helpful.

Matt, I used several of your suggestions. I got rid of the unnecessary “as a hunter,” replaced “propitiate” with “mollify” (which improved the meter, too), and uncapped “Lord.” All excellent suggestions.

Max, I’m pleased that the sharp turn into a dark place in S3 was surprising. That was the intent.

Richard—Historically I was thinking of the Phoenicians and Carthaginians who threw children into the fiery belly of Moloch (although killing children to accompany important people into the afterlife was pretty common all over the ancient world, and infant sacrifice was even a problem for ancient Jews as mentioned in the Bible.) As for its contemporary relevance, I had in mind the children of Gaza and the victims of Boko Haram in Nigeria who are being sacrificed as a result of a supposed religious duty. The murder of Ukrainian children has been sanctioned by Kyrill, Patriarch of Moscow.

Thanks again, gentlemen!

Glenn

[Richard G]

Hi Glen,
thanks for the history. Still struggling with immolate though. It's such a specific way of sacrificing why not simply 'slaughtered'?
Just a niggle, but do you really need 'proud' after 'preening'? Also, why not just describe the behaviour (cleaning?) rather than attribute motive? It seems slightly at odds with the 'maybes'.
Also, praise/prowess/preening/proud seemed a touch excessive

RG.

[Hilary Biehl]

It feels to me like you're on the edge of something interesting with this poem, but not quite there yet.

I like "immolated." I want more of that, not less. Otherwise you just have a nice cat poem.

I wonder what would happen if you played with the form - perhaps you could rewrite it in tetrameter, for instance? Sometimes I find that shortening the line forces me to think in different directions. Rhyme can also do that. Just a thought.

[Roger Slater]

Matt's idea about swapping the order of the last two lines is a good one, I think:

as ancient people immolated children,
praying with blood and pain of innocents,
to gain the notice and favor of their gods.

I'm not sure why, but that feels more like an ending.

[Hilary Biehl]

Is "praying with blood and pain of innocents" even a necessary line?

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Marshall, Richard, Hilary, and Roger—

Thanks for your helpful suggestions.

Marshall—I tend to use a lot of anapests and trochees in my IP, but this poem really had too many subs. I used some of your suggestions. I especially liked “eye” to replace “notice.” I got rid of “gain” and “praying” and used “buy” and “paying” to reinforce the transactional nature of the ancient people’s relationship with their gods. I appreciate your input.

Richard—I like the connotations of “immolate,” a holocaust, religious sacrifice on an altar, fire (suggesting the bombs used in Gaza and Ukraine) and cruelty. I like the /p/ alliteration, too, because I return to it in the last line. I see your point about “proud” and “preening” being redundant. I’ll have to think about what to do with that.

Hilary and Roger—I changed “gain” > “buy” in S3L4 and “praying” > “paying” in S3L5. This diminishes the religious overtone and augments the transactional, unfeeling cruelty of the sacrifice of innocents, more apropos of contemporary violence. I like “innocents” as the last word, bringing the poem back to the murdered sparrow.

I appreciate your thoughtful and useful comments.

Glenn