[John Riley]

Revision

Orphanage

I still don’t know how scientific it was
to burn white liquor in a glass ashtray
and hope it burnt blue and was safe
for the old guys to keep pouring half-glasses
into fermented muscadine juice.
I do know I watched the same men
drink almost everyday and that sometimes
they were joined by Blondie
who had a little boy she’d named Clark
because she liked the Superman TV show so much.
One night she started crying because her Clark
would never be a superman, would
never even be able to count to five.
I’d never see him on the school bus.
Clark spent most of his life in a home over in Thomasville
because he had to be carried everywhere he went.
He was getting too big for Blondie to pick up
so she asked old Doss to help.
I remember the old man’s red face
as he hefted Clark up and down the steps
and across the dirt stretch between the house
and the parked trucks and cars.
I realized later Clark was a Down-syndrome child.
I had never heard of that.
I only knew he was a burden to everyone and that Blondie
was drooling as much as Clark the day
she put him in my arms and said,
“Here, you watch him for a while.”




Orphanage

I still don’t know how scientific it was
to burn white liquor in a glass ashtray
and hope it burnt blue and was safe
for the old guys to keep pouring half-glasses
into fomented muscadine juice.
I do know I watched the same men
drink almost every day and that sometimes
they were joined by Blondie.
Blondie had a little boy she’d named Clark
because she loved the Superman TV show.
One night she started crying because her Clark
would never be a superman, he would never even be able to count to five.
Clark spent most of his life in a home over in Thomasville
because he had to be carried everywhere he went.
He was getting too big for Blondie to pick up
so she asked old Doss to help.
I remember the old man’s red face
as he hefted Clark up and down the steps
and across the dirt stretch between the house
and the parked trucks and cars.
I realized later Clark was a down-syndrome child.
I had never heard of that. I only knew he was helpless
and a burden to everyone and that Blondie
was drooling as much as Clark the day
she put him in my arms and said,
“Here, you watch him for a while.”

[James Midgley]

Hi John,

I think this is very well handled -- the narrative seems to drift around absent-mindedly before delivering a kick that brings us to our senses at the end.

'Fomented' ought to be fermented, I think

Rather than ending L8 with an endstop, try out 'Blondie / who had a little boy'. Also try cutting 'she'd'.

'would never be a superman, he would never even be able to count to five' feels unwieldy all one line and I think you could lose 'he' in 'he would never be able'.

In one way, the lines from 'Clark spent most of his life' up to 'and the parked trucks and cars' aren't necessary. But the meander of the narrative softens the reader for the ending to strike. Still, you could play with condensing or cutting some lines and see how it feels.

As I say, I think this is pretty effective. Thanks for the read.

Edit: on another pass, I'd say keep the "she'd" in "she'd named" after all.

[James Brancheau]

I like how the title refers to (I’m assuming) the future outcome of the situation, and I think the poem is really good. The pace of the poem is just right-- and it gets there right on time. The close has some significant emotional impact, and I love the Superman/Clark thing—it’s memorable and makes the poem even more vivid, real. Nothing that I can see to pick at at the moment. Enjoyed this quite a bit, John.

[Matt Q]

Hi John,

I also liked this, the pace at which it unfolds, what's said and unsaid (even if I may only have got some of the latter with help).

The title confused me. An orphanage is a place for orphans, which Buddy isn't, so I assumed the N was living in an orphanage, which would make him child. And if Clark is too heavy for Blondie to pick up, how can the N pick him up? (Ok, maybe Blondie is particularly weak due to all the moonshine she drinks.) If the N is an adult, what's the orphanage about? Does the N work there? Or is Clark in day-care at the orphanage, somehow?

However, I've just read James B's suggestion that the title indicates Buddy's eventual destination. In which case, I guess watching Clark "for a while" turned out to be more permanent, and she never came back, and the drooling was a sign of something imminently terminal, rather the temporary effects of home-stilled alcohol gone bad. So, I guess, I'm just letting you know that I missed that. Maybe it needs another clue. Or maybe I'm just a bit slow on this one. I think if had been called "The Orphan", I'd have got it fairly easily, but I took the current title to be giving the current setting.

I'd echo James M on L9, on replacing the second Blondie with "who". You could maybe also lose the "he" in "he would never even be ...". I also agree that line seems overlong. I reckon "(he) would never even be able to count to five" would be more impactful if it had a line to itself.

I think "down-syndrome" probably needs a capital 'D', even as a compound adjective.

The logic here could maybe be clearer:

I realized later Clark was a down-syndrome child.
I had never heard of that.


This read to me like he had never heard of Down's syndrome until he realised the Clark had Down's syndrome, which confused me, since how could he realise Clark had Down's syndrome if he'd never previously heard of it. Now, I realise you mean: back then, in the time of the story, he had never heard of it. But it still doesn't read to me that way. So I don't know if it needs a "back then" at the beginning or end of the sentence, or something similar.

best,

Matt

[John Riley]

Thank you to all three. I appreciate the notes and will certainly use them. They seem inarguable. I've made a vow not to revise too soon. It usually makes a mess when I do.

I've found myself writing poems more directly from my life lately. It's interesting because I am quite tired of all the autobio poems in the world today. No foolish consistency for me, apparently.

Thanks again for the help.

[John Riley]

Based on the suggestions, I've made a few changes. I also added the line about the school bus. I wanted to be clear that the narrator is a boy. I'm not sure if that was necessary, though.