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  #11  
Unread 10-19-2024, 02:03 PM
Glenn Wright Glenn Wright is offline
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Hi, Barbara

I would agree with Richard that deleting the last line and ending with an incomplete line would pack more punch.

Glenn

Last edited by Glenn Wright; 10-19-2024 at 02:10 PM.
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  #12  
Unread 10-19-2024, 05:26 PM
Barbara Baig Barbara Baig is offline
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Hi Richard and Glenn,
Thanks for your helpful comments. I see your point about the last line. I'll take it out of Revision 2 in the thread and see how the poem looks/sounds without it.

Richard, you ask a couple of tough questions, since this is an invented character and an invented situation, and I know nothing about refrigerators, so coming up with a sound effect is hard for me. As for whether he fixed it, as I said, it's all invention, so however you want to imagine that is fine.

Thanks, again.--Barbara
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  #13  
Unread 10-20-2024, 08:17 AM
Richard G Richard G is offline
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Hi Barbara.

coming up with a sound effect

Perhaps swapping 'note' for something like 'clank' or 'gurgle' might serve? (Goes towards N's state of refrigerator ignorance.)

RG
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  #14  
Unread 10-20-2024, 09:17 AM
Barbara Baig Barbara Baig is offline
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Great idea, Richard. Thanks.
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