[Julie Steiner]

DRAFT TWO (new S3)

Trio at Ravenna’s Basilica di Sant’Apollinare Nuovo

For years I’ve been your fangirl, from afar.
A hundred million smalti, sparkling gold,
cannot upstage the spectacle you are.
You’re absolutely fabulous -- threefold!
You’ve stepped in synch through eras. Strutted. Strolled.
Tight pants in triple shades of leopard skin
show off the way each well-turned calf and shin
remains unique, despite same-swiveled hips.
My hopes to see you, though, have hit the bin.
Your thrills will have to be another trip’s.

Your Phrygian caps (rust-red, not cinnabar)
said “Persians!” once, though modern eyes are told
“The Smurfs!” or “Santa!” In the repertoire
of flourishes your cape-hems have unscrolled,
one hears “Magician!”, mostly -- but I’m old
enough that my pop culture reference din
screams “Liberace!” “Presley!” “Brown!” I grin.
Those Vegas vibes enhance, and don’t eclipse,
your splendor. But tonight my smile is thin.
Your thrills will have to be another trip’s.

Although I haven’t seen you, au revoir.
Who knows how your finale might unfold?
Christ’s mother might be offered caviar
(no -- something à la King, thus casseroled!)
from those impressive vessels that you hold.
We’ll miss it. Mom is set on turning in.
Blame jet lag. I admit, to my chagrin,
I’m tuckered, too. You’ll join our list of skips.
Although I doubt I’ll pass this way again,
your thrills will have to be another trip’s.

Your Majesties, please tell my friends within
the chorus line of virgin saints you spin
before (Epiphany/Apocalypse?)
I’m sleep-deprived beyond adrenaline.
Your thrills will have to be another trip’s.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basili...W ise_men.jpg
More context:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basili...orama_01. jpg


DRAFT ONE'S S3:

Although I haven’t seen you, au revoir.
The Virgin Mary might be casseroled,
or soup-tureened, or offered caviar
from those impressive vessels that you hold --
who knows how your finale might unfold?
Not I, alas. Mom’s set on turning in.
Blame jet lag: I admit, to my chagrin,
I’m tuckered, too. You’ll join our list of skips.
Despite my doubts I’ll pass this way again,
your thrills will have to be another trip’s.

[David Callin]

Hi Julie,

I think the poem, insofar as it engages with the image (which is a great one, I agree) is terrific - and so is your rhyming, and the metre. But - call me a snob, I don't care - I think the more mundane references to your trip to see it being cancelled just drag it down. If you could purge the poem of those, I think it would be to the poem's advantage.

But maybe I am a snob.

I love roughly two thirds of this poem.

Cheers

David

[Marshall Begel]

Julie,
I love the perfect rhyme and meter! Although I'd expect "threefold" to have emphasis on its first, I don't find it unnatural to flip it.

When you "casserole" Mary, is that like changing body-of-C into bread, then adding cheese, eggs, and those canned fried onions? How about, "Is Mary offered something casseroled,"

Frankly, I like the "missed chance" theme. We readers aren't seeing the work, either, so having only words (and a .jpg) puts us and the narrator on equal footing.

[Susan McLean]

Julie,
I am sorry you missed it. I saw it once, and it was wonderful, so I sympathize totally with your feelings on missing it because of jet lag and a tired mom. Since I know the work, I know what you are referring to with your detailed descriptions, but I can see that someone who has never seen it might be confused by all the modern allusions and by the difficulty of picturing the whole thing at once. Fortunately, these days someone who wants to see what it looks like can do so online. I don't like the expectation that readers are always willing to stop everything and Google for information, but that is the world we live in now. I love your ballade. Your rhyming skills are on full display here, and you are up to the challenge.

Susan

[Julie Steiner]

Thanks very much for the honest criticism, David, Marshall, and Susan. Draft 2 posted above (with a new S3), mostly to address Marshall's good points.

David, no need to self-deprecate about offering your honest impressions. I don't think there's anything snobby about preferring the Mona Lisa to selfies that include it. My thumb is in the camera lens for much of this collection inspired by what I did and didn't experience while traveling with my mom, so I probably won't be asking you for a cover blurb. :-) I'll follow this poem with a translation of Rubén Dario's poem about the Three Kings, so that will put them back in the spotlight where they belong.

Marshall, thanks for nudging me to rework S3. Gaspar/Casper is very clearly bringing some sort of hotdish topped with tater tots, as one does to help out a new mother. My aunt had that exact scalloped-edged casserole dish. It's Corelle, I think.

Susan, I'm jealous that you got to see them perform live. I plan to avail myself of the option of including links to the original artworks in notes; as you know, Rilke rarely bothered even to definitively cite his own inspirations, although he sometimes mentioned them in letters. Not sure how, or if, contemporary readers without access to his correspondence were supposed to crack the code, but it doesn't seem to have hindered his career.

Have I gotten away with the identity rhymes I was worried about?
threefold/unfold
grin/chagrin

[Susan McLean]

Julie, in a ballade I think every writer should be able to avail themselves of a few identity rhymes, especially when the words they occur in are so different. I did not even notice them until you pointed them out.

Susan

[Matt Q]

Hi Julie,

This is an impressively rhymed and a fair bit of fun. I'd never seen or heard to the tapestry, but I didn't mind that I needed to Google. I think the piece works well enough to actively make me want to see the image. I didn't look it up till I was part way through: I wanted to see how Smurf-like the hats were! And if not everyone wants to look it up, then maybe not everyone reads the poem. I reckon being skipped by a reader is a risk most poems run anyway, even if they stand alone.

The identity rhymes didn't trouble me. I don't think they stand out, especially as the actual words are different. I didn't even notice them until you pointed them out.

EDIT: "again" kind of sticks out though, among the perfect rhymes. Or do you say "agin" where you are? For me, it can rhyme with "rain" or "hen".

I think I'm with David on the repetends. I was much more engaged with the description of the tapestry through a pop culture lens, but less so with the repeated references to not being able to get to see it. Plus them not being able to physically see the thing doesn't seem that related to the pop-culture description. These are almost two independent strands that don't really interact, beyond maybe the initial "For years I’ve been your fangirl, from afar.". The pop-culture description would presumably be the same if they could physically visit it, I think, and the N is clearly already very familiar with what it looks like. That said, I reckon if you could get the final repetend to turn -- to change meaning/sense somehow in a way that relates to pop-culture/tapestry the theme of the poem, that would make all the difference. The repeated references of not being able to see the thing would build to something. Though I don't see any easy way to do that with the wording you have.

A few small things:

but I’m old / enough that my pop culture reference din

Maybe hyphenation would make it clearer that "pop culture reference" is a compound adjective? Took me a moment or two to figure it out, I was wondering why "reference" as a verb didn't match the subject. But then I'm British and here hyphens would be obligatory, and there are punishments for non-compliance.

screams “Liberace!” “Presley!” “Brown!” I grin.
Those Vegas vibes enhance, and don’t eclipse,
your splendor. But tonight my smile is thin.

The thin smile seems to contradict the grin. Can you grin thinly? Maybe "I'd grin ... But tonight my smile is thin"?

This section:

Christ’s mother might be offered caviar
(no -- something à la King, thus casseroled!)
from those impressive vessels that you hold.

I could see caviar being something offered to pop stars, I guess, though it wouldn't be my first thought. But is à la King a reference to Presley (and Christ the king), and if so why casseroles -- was he renowned for liking those? I thought he was an ice-cream sandwiches and burgers on the toilet kind of guy? I found a website listing his 18 favourite foods (doubtless impeccably researched!) and no mention of casseroles.

Edit: might "jelly-rolled" be more Elvis-esque? (Or should that be "Elvish"?)

best,

-Matt

[Jim Moonan]

.
I've nothing much to say except to express my pleasure at reading a travel poem with your mother again. For that reason alone I would not lose that "missed chance" element of the poem as some have suggested. I remember you sharing other poems a few years back that involved your travels with your mother and they are priceless.

It may just be the coffee urging me to overthink, but I thought that maybe "your thrills" feels not quite right. Is it "thrills"? I honestly don't know what else would work better. Maybe another sip of coffee might help... Ha!

Great rhythm and rhyming. And the humor puts a thin grin on my face : ) Great revisionary depiction of the Three Guys. I'll never sing "We three Kings of Orient are" again without a smile on my face.

I like the thread title better than the poem's title. It would attract a wider audience. Maybe it could be:

A Ballade Supreme for a SuperGroup
Trio at Ravenna’s Basilica di Sant’Apollinare Nuovo


.

[Matt Q]

I agree with Jim on the title. I'd actually thought it was the poem's title if I'm honest, careless reader that I am. It's a great title, and much more likely to make me want to read the poem.

Matt

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

"again" kind of sticks out though, among the perfect rhymes. Or do you say "agin" where you are? For me, it can rhyme with "rain" or "hen".

Julie was just running out of rhymes. You can see that a little with “din” too. A din screaming is like a shout yelling. But I think we can look the other way in such a tour de force of rhyming.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

… is à la King a reference to Presley (and Christ the king), and if so why casseroles -- was he renowned for liking those?

I guess you don’t have any boxes of frozen Chicken à la King lying around among the undergrowth of pizza boxes.