[Glenn Wright]

Accidentally posted to the wrong forum. I have requested that it be moved. —Glenn

Everness

One thing is not. It is oblivion.
God, who saves the metal, saves the ore
and codes in memory for His revelation
moons that will be, and those that were before.

All is now. A thousand reflected pictures
which, between the dawn and dusk of day,
your face has long been leaving in the mirrors
and those it still keeps putting on display.

And everything is part of that diverse
crystal of memory, the universe;
its taxing passageways make no surrenders

and doors shut tight behind you as you flee;
only from sunset’s other side you’ll see
and understand the Archetypes and Splendors.


Original Spanish (from “ ‘Everness’: Una Clave para el Mundo Borgiano” Revista Iberoamericana 53:100, July 1977. Liverpool UP. 629.)

Sólo una cosa no hay. Es el olvido.
Dios, que salva el metal, salva la escoria
Y cifra en Su profética memoria
Las lunas que serán y las que han sido.

Ya todo está. Los miles de reflejos
Que entre los dos crepúsculos del día
Tu rostro fue dejando en los espejos
Y los que irá dejando todavía.

Y todo es una parte del diverso
Cristal de esa memoria, el universo;
No tienen fin sus arduos corredores

Y las puertas se cierran a tu paso;
Sólo del otro lado del ocaso
Verás los Arquetipos y Esplendores.



Crib

Only one thing is not. It is oblivion.
God, who saves the metal, saves the waste/slag
and codes into His prophetic memory
the moons that will be and those that have been.

Everything is already. The thousands of reflections
which, between the two twilights of the day
your face had been leaving in the mirrors
and those which you will still be leaving.

And everything is a part of the diverse
crystal of that memory, the universe;
its difficult passageways have no end

and the doors close at your passing;
only from the other side of the sunset
will you see the Archetypes and Splendors.

[Roger Slater]

It's a very fine translation. Well done.

[Susan McLean]

It looks good to me, though I don't know Spanish. Here are a few suggestions:
L1--Only one thing is not: oblivion.
L3--and codes in permanent prophetic vision
L8--and those you will be putting on display.
L10--crystalline memory, the universe;

Susan

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Roger and Susan—

Thanks for your positive responses. Sorry to have posted this on the wrong board.

I appreciate your approval, Roger. I have seen some of your translations from Spanish. You are an experienced and very skillful translator. I thought about transposing S1L3 and S1L4 in order to preserve the original rhyme scheme, but it introduces an inversion. Here is the revised first stanza:

One thing is not. It is oblivion
God, who saves the metal, saves the ore.
Moons that will be and those that were before
He codes in memory for His revelation.

Your thoughts?

Glenn

[Carl Copeland]

Hi, Glen. I’ve been playing hooky from the Sphere as you know (thanks again for inquiring), but I can’t resist a good translation. My only nits are a few mostly rhyme-driven deviations from the original—not obviously rhyme-driven, but for that reason hard to tweak:

- “Ore” got me thinking about the distinction between a product and its raw material (essence), whereas “slag” feeds into the Christian theme of redemption of the rejected and imperfect.

- I’m not sure whether “revelation” (rather than “prophetic”) is misleading or not, but Susan has mentioned it, so I’ll say no more.

- “Everything is already” sounds more world-weary (“nothing new under the sun”) than the New Agey “All is now.” Logically, there’s little or no difference, so no big deal.

- A passageway that makes no surrenders is poetic, but I’d never have guessed it was endless. Interpretation is one thing, but translating clarity into enigma is another. BTW, does “corredor” in Spanish have the greater poetic potential that “passageway” does in English?

“Flee” (rather than “pass”) gives a panicky feel to the last stanza and makes us wonder what fear is involved. “At last” might work as a rhyme for “pass” as long as it doesn’t sound fillery.

In any event, it’s a lovely translation of a lovely poem.