[John Riley]

Death Swan

It’s true when I died
I became a swan
and now have a nest
on every pond,

and when the hunters
come for me
I do not flee,
have no concern

their too-loud guns
will send me flying
from my mate.
They have a task

and well-laid plans
but forget that when
death comes for me
I will be me again.

[R. Nemo Hill]

I really like this one, John. I do think the wording of the final stanza could be revised, could be made more smooth, maybe using some punctuation in place of the word that in the second line. Maybe something like this . . .

They have a task

and well-laid plans.
They forget that when
death comes for me,
I'm soon me again.

I still don't like the meter of the last line, but every time I change it, I come up with three rather two beats. Arg.

Nemo

[Rick Mullin]

Hi John,

Overall, I like the poem.

I agree with Nemo about the meter in the last line. Getting that right is crucial, because there is a two-count metrical structure throughout the poem that tends to be a bit wobbly. Ending on a tight line would right the rest.

I also labor through this "sentence", but I may be distracted by policing the meter ~,:^)

and when the hunters
come for me
I do not flee,
have no concern

their too-loud guns
will send me flying
from my mate.

Rick

[Michael Cantor]

I agree with Rick and Nemo. The last line should end the poem with a slam, if not a flourish, and I find I'm soon me again metrically confusing. The I'm and the soon slosh into one another. I'd prefer I'll be me again, or - breaking the meter, but - hey - it's the last line, I'll soon be me again.

[John Riley]

I had forgotten this one after it slipped so far down with no comments. I have another I was going to post and ran into these comments.

As regards the meter I've been focusing only on accentual meter. I don't worry about syllables and feet. I try for a consistent number of beats and realize my ear is wobbly. Interestingly, I had to go to speech path as a kid and find it more of a challenge. Not an excuse, but I wonder if it's connected. Feel free to point out where I've failed.

I agree about the ending. I'll change it now and ponder the suggestions.

Thanks

[Lavinia Kumar]

I like this poem. It is a third (or so) cousin to the Irish King Lir myth.

I am not sure the future tense is needed at all, so perhaps

their too-loud guns
send me flying
from my mate.
They have a task

and well-laid plans
do not know when
death comes for me
I'm me again.

[Barbara Baig]

Hi John,
Long-absent, now-returned member here. I love this poem. Thanks so much. The first two lines drew me right in--I really enjoy poems that suggest stories that have already happened--so stimulating to the imagination.

A few questions: half-rhymes in the first stanza made me expect more of the same throughout. Would you consider that?

What about a period at the end of the first stanza, and then omitting "and" at the beginning of the second stanza?

For the last stanza, what about this:

and well-laid plans,
forgetting that when

Hurrah for accentual meter!

Barbara