[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Nemo, Max, and Jim—

Another great suggestion, Nemo! I like the idea of apostrophizing a child. The resulting poem reminds me of G. M. Hopkins’s “Spring and Fall,” another poem that stands right on the edge of sentimentality. I made most of the changes you suggested, but kept the last (formerly first) stanza at the end, feeling that it stated the overall theme more comprehensively.

I suppose, Max, that there is a temptation to interpret the “wintry storm” as emblematic of some emotional turmoil, but I meant it purely as a visual image.

Thanks, gentlemen, for weighing in! Your comments are very helpful!

Glenn

[Paula Fernandez]

Hi Glenn--
Re-reading this bit, I'm still not quite there with you...

"You pluck the golden crowns and weave
their wilting chains to decorate
your mother’s hair, or neck, or sleeve,
or your hamster’s grave to venerate."

I think that fourth line's inversion (and the high diction of "venerate") just disturb my child-like enjoyment too much. If you don't mind an imperfect rhyme, something like...

You pluck the golden crowns and weave
the tortured stems in wilting chains
for mother's hair, or neck, or sleeve,
or nestle them on the fishes' grave.


Or... maybe...

"braid them in your pony's mane"?

Just ideas! Take 'em or leave 'em!

Still enjoying this poem's development!

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Paula—

Your suggestion is very helpful!
I made an adjustment to S2 based on your proposed changes and like it much better. I even got rid of an annoying inversion.

I was going to make “wave” and “grave” plural, but decided that it made my child sound like a budding serial killer.

Thanks you hanging in there with me on this one.

Glenn

[James Brancheau]

I think this is charming, Glenn. Like Jim, I liked this immediately. The only substantial criticism I can think of is that, especially because of its length, I’d be tempted to personalize this a little more—probably by somewhere near the close. But that’s me, and I do really appreciate this as is. What you have here works very well, imo. I wasn’t aware of some of the beliefs regarding these flowers. Or weeds, haha.

I agree that, as usual, Nemo’s suggestion was right on and I think that it has improved the poem. Now, because of that adjustment, I don’t like “lore” or “foe.” I don’t really like them anyway, but they seem even more off to me as now you are directly addressing a child. Also, I’m not sure about the new title. I agree that it should be changed from the original, but this title might suggest other things, other times, etc that I don’t think are necessarily present in the poem. It seems superficially cute in that sense.

I like the whole idea of the poem, but I probably like that first stanza most of all. I experimented placing that, that idea, closer to the end of the poem. I was thinking that it might open the poem up to other possibilities, re that personal aspect that I mentioned. I wasn’t successful, and I don’t think it’s essential, but I thought I’d mention it anyway, fwiw. Enjoyed this.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, James—

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on my poem. Good point about the use of elevated/archaic diction in a poem spoken to a child. I’ll give that some more thought. I’ll try to think of an alternative title as well. I’m glad you liked it.

Glenn

[Jim Moonan]

.
Ironically, in a word: I fear this is teetering on becoming too flowery. I'm beginning to realize that I love the trope and the skilled metrically of it; the tight rhyming in it; the litany of imagery in it; but that the child in it is being held at arm's length.

I'm also beginning to wonder if you can reconcile the language used as being appropriate to be spoken to a child. It's a conundrum, for me... I can't put my finger on what it is that feels askew. I had this thought that you might back up and reframe the poem to be in the first person: a child's soliloquy on how the raw, wild imagination runs the risk of becoming deadened with by age/experience. But that would require you reinvent the poem itself.

.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim—

Thanks for your thoughts! They are very useful. You invited me to think more carefully about the dramatic situation poem. In the first five stanzas, I’m imagining a scene where the speaker is looking at a child picking dandelions and addressing him in an apostrophe. The model would be Gerard Manley Hopkins’ poem, “Spring and Fall” that begins:
Márgarét áre you gríeving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
The child is unaware of being watched or spoken to.

I tried to address James’s concerns as well. In the next-to-last stanza, the speaker moves his attention from the child to his own adult concerns, and in the last stanza, he focuses on his own transition from childhood to adulthood. I made a couple of small changes, getting rid of the grown-up word “lore” in the section addressed to the child, but keeping “foe” in the section where the speaker is musing to himself. I also change from second person to third person in stanza 6 and to first person in stanza 7. I hope those changes make the situation clearer.

Thanks again!

Glenn

[David Callin]

Hi Glenn. I like this too. "Charming" is a good word for it.

I only wonder whether the charm would be more potent if you dropped the fourth and fifth verses. I rather think it would.

And I grew up thinking it was buttercups, not dandelions, that were applied under the chin for prognostications.

Is that helpful at all?

Cheers

David

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Glenn,
This is very likeable, and takes me right back to my own childhood -- just what you intended the poem to do!

Like many others, I find 'sleeve' to be contrived, though. I'd suggest something like:

You pluck the golden crowns and twist
wilting chains in an endless wave
to adorn your mother’s hair or wrist,
or decorate your hamster’s grave.

We used to make bracelets from daisy chains and other flowers, so 'wrist' would be more appropriate here than 'sleeve'.

Also, I stumbled a bit on "...tell you if you..."

so another small suggestion would be:

A yellow flower beneath your chin
will indicate if you'll be rich
by shining golden on your skin.
The stem’s white sap will make you itch.

As children we'd count the puffs as we blew them, till the stalk was empty... "One o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock..."

How about "Clocks" as a simple title?

Jayne

*Just popped back to say that, as I recall, "one little puff" was frequently not enough (hence the counting I mentioned). Would "that several puffs can blow away", or "that little puffs can blow away" work for you? Just an afterthought!

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, David and Jayne—

Thanks, both, for your responses and suggestions! They are very helpful.

Much of your poetry deals with Manx folklore and customs, David. You are skillful in weaving interesting bits into your work, so I appreciate your suggestion to trim the dandelion lore in S4 and S5. I think S5 in particular is a bit hard to read smoothly, so I deleted it.

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

Like many others, I find 'sleeve' to be contrived, though. I'd suggest something like:

You pluck the golden crowns and twist
wilting chains in an endless wave
to adorn your mother’s hair or wrist,
or decorate your hamster’s grave.

We used to make bracelets from daisy chains and other flowers, so 'wrist' would be more appropriate here than 'sleeve'. I like this suggestion very much and will use it. “Twist” is a much more accurate description of the children’s activity than “weave.”

Also, I stumbled a bit on "...tell you if you..."

so another small suggestion would be:

A yellow flower beneath your chin
will indicate if you'll be rich
by shining golden on your skin.
The stem’s white sap will make you itch. I tweaked L2 of this stanza, too.

Thanks, David and Jayne, for sharing your thoughts!

Glenn