[John Riley]

Coast Line

Standing
in the dune
shadow
watching
the dark
fall into
a bonfire
she knows
when
she turns
to return
down
the beach
she will
stop
to stand
beneath
the old pier
swallowed
by no-light
as the water’s
white
foaming
lips
lap
over
her feet.

[John Boddie]

John - This is effective. The thin lines convey the setting and you don't try to overrun the piece by stretching for a grander truth.

A couple of things -

You might look for a way to replace the gerunds in L1 and L4. At present they make the beginning sound kinda same old - same old.

Line 19 (and be) could be removed. At present, it's just filler.

JB

[John Riley]

John, thanks for reading. I hoped the shape on the page worked. The tide is coming in.

I deleted “an be.” I’m not able to do much with the gerunds now. I will think about it.

Great help. Thanks.

[John Boddie]

You might consider using "stand" and "watch". The initial effect is a little abrupt, but that doesn't hurt the job of setting the hook into the reader's interest.

watch
the dark
fall into
a bonfire

struck me as being first-rate.

JB

[Nick McRae]

I agree, the thin lines are effective, I like the approach.

You could experiment with stretching some of the lines a bit, to find a little more rhythmic coherency. But that seems to be a stylistic choice as keeping the lines short may be the point?

[John Riley]

Nick, thanks for reading. I’ve worked on this poem a ridiculously long time off and on. I’ll keep your suggestion in mind if I return to it yet again.

[David Elliot Eisenstat]

It's a cute little piece, though the short lines slow me down only briefly before I start plowing ahead. The stretch from "she knows" to "beneath" has little in the way of new imagery to linger on, with "when" and "down" in particular lacking wholeness. I do like how the line breaks at "dune / shadow" and "the old pier / swallowed / by no-light" (the first one) enact the nightfall, and the alliteration and consonance of the ending is also enjoyable.

[John Riley]

Thanks for reading this and welcome to the Sphere.

[Jim Moonan]

.
For me the short lines don't suggest the tide coming in. I find the rhythm hard to detect as lineated. Does this do anything for you?


Standing in the dune shadow
watching the dark fall into a bonfire
she knows when she turns
to return down the beach
she will stop to stand
beneath the old pier
swallowed by no-light
as the water’s white
foaming lips lap
over her feet.


.

[John Riley]

Jim, thanks. It’s always helpful to know what works and doesn’t work with different readers.