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08-19-2024, 10:34 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6,469
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Coast Line
Coast Line
Standing
in the dune
shadow
watching
the dark
fall into
a bonfire
she knows
when
she turns
to return
down
the beach
she will
stop
to stand
beneath
the old pier
swallowed
by no-light
as the water’s
white
foaming
lips
lap
over
her feet.
Last edited by John Riley; 08-20-2024 at 12:51 PM.
Reason: Cut “an be”—line 17
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08-19-2024, 09:55 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2022
Location: Willow Street, USA
Posts: 124
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John - This is effective. The thin lines convey the setting and you don't try to overrun the piece by stretching for a grander truth.
A couple of things -
You might look for a way to replace the gerunds in L1 and L4. At present they make the beginning sound kinda same old - same old.
Line 19 (and be) could be removed. At present, it's just filler.
JB
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08-20-2024, 12:57 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6,469
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John, thanks for reading. I hoped the shape on the page worked. The tide is coming in.
I deleted “an be.” I’m not able to do much with the gerunds now. I will think about it.
Great help. Thanks.
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08-20-2024, 01:08 PM
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New Member
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Join Date: Jan 2022
Location: Willow Street, USA
Posts: 124
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You might consider using "stand" and "watch". The initial effect is a little abrupt, but that doesn't hurt the job of setting the hook into the reader's interest.
watch
the dark
fall into
a bonfire
struck me as being first-rate.
JB
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08-21-2024, 06:46 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 244
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I agree, the thin lines are effective, I like the approach.
You could experiment with stretching some of the lines a bit, to find a little more rhythmic coherency. But that seems to be a stylistic choice as keeping the lines short may be the point?
Last edited by Nick McRae; 08-21-2024 at 07:02 AM.
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08-24-2024, 11:42 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6,469
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Nick, thanks for reading. I’ve worked on this poem a ridiculously long time off and on. I’ll keep your suggestion in mind if I return to it yet again.
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08-24-2024, 08:39 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2024
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 21
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It's a cute little piece, though the short lines slow me down only briefly before I start plowing ahead. The stretch from "she knows" to "beneath" has little in the way of new imagery to linger on, with "when" and "down" in particular lacking wholeness. I do like how the line breaks at "dune / shadow" and "the old pier / swallowed / by no-light" (the first one) enact the nightfall, and the alliteration and consonance of the ending is also enjoyable.
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08-25-2024, 06:22 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6,469
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Thanks for reading this and welcome to the Sphere.
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08-25-2024, 03:47 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 4,361
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.
For me the short lines don't suggest the tide coming in. I find the rhythm hard to detect as lineated. Does this do anything for you?
Standing in the dune shadow
watching the dark fall into a bonfire
she knows when she turns
to return down the beach
she will stop to stand
beneath the old pier
swallowed by no-light
as the water’s white
foaming lips lap
over her feet.
.
Last edited by Jim Moonan; 08-26-2024 at 06:50 AM.
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08-26-2024, 11:40 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6,469
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Jim, thanks. It’s always helpful to know what works and doesn’t work with different readers.
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