Jim, Glenn, JB, John, Cameron, David, Yves,
Apologies for such a slow reply. Life has distracted me away from the Sphere recently.
Many thanks for your comments on this. I've posted a revision, which is mostly a reordering and the cutting of a couple of stanzas.
This was a bit of experiment for me, and one which likely hasn't worked as well as it could.
I thought I might explain some what I'm trying to get across here, and then if anyone has the time and inclination, they can let me know if it didn't land.
So, the N is contemplating sending a card to someone he knows who has cancer. The implication being that he has left this quite late. And maybe even won't send it. (It sounds like this part could be clearer)
The N lives in a concrete box. Literally I want this to mean a flat (apartment). But also to imply something like him being imprisoned/isolated. And as Cameron points out, it could also suggest a coffin.
The N loves these two foxes he can see from his window. Idealises them even, but he loves them passively, from afar. His communication with people is perhaps more problematic.
Shannon and Weaver are invoked, the authors of the seminal paper, "A mathematical theory of communication", which addresses among other things, how much of what's sent is actually received.
Jim
Thanks for your reading. Yes, there's no real closure in this one and that is a bit different for me.
Glenn,
As I said above, I'd intended the N is his flat (in a block of flats), but I do like the idea of the N camped out in his bunker, away from other humans and watching the foxes. That works for me too. I like also your reading of "unwrapped". I was aiming to for some ambiguity of what "unwrapped" meant. It could also mean we fall apart, unravel. Or even "we are born unwrapped" and over time acquire more and more layers.
JB,
Your comment on S being a speedbump in the narrative made me wonder what you took the narrative to be. Anyway, it's moved in the revision, maybe that's better? Useful to know that "homeostasis" stood out for you. It did for David too. I'm not sure why you say homeostasis can't be intact (not damaged or impaired in any way; complete), but useful to know that it sounds odd to you. I do like the sonics, though.
John,
If you get a chance, let me know if you think the revision improves things. Or if any of what I've explained above doesn't come across.
Cameron,
I've reversed the first two stanzas as you suggested. And maybe, minus the two baggage stanzas, it's a little tighter? The idea of a dead N is intriguing, though I'm not sure I can make that work in this poem. I did think about it though.
David,
I guess homeostasis just seemed right for the tone. A slightly disconnected N, maybe, describing death in this biological way? I guess also there's a connection between Shannon and Weaver and cybernetics and the focus on homeostasis (W. Ross Ashby, in particular), which likely only exists in the heads of a select few
Yves,
I think you're right about the baggage riff being under-developed, and I think that rather than complicating things further by expanding it, I've cut it.
Thanks again everyone,
Matt