[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

Have you considered "Summer's end is nigh" instead of "The end of summer is nigh"? Purely a subjective judgment, but to my ear that would sound a bit better, tighter but a bit less formal at the same time to offset the self-conscious formality of "nigh."

I appreciate the suggestion. My read is that 'summer's end is nigh' sounds more formal, but I do like it. I'm not sure I could or would want to choose between the two, but it'd make for an interesting alternate version. And the more I think about it, I'm wondering if it does fit closer to my vision of the poem. I'm going to take this edit and sit with it for a while.

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Nick McRae

Carl, thanks for the reminder on autumn and night heron. ... As for the possessive apostrophe on summer, it seems like I need to brush up on my possessive rules. In this case I was considering it a stylistic choice, but it was also a response to a comment on my last one that it's can be written as its. Maybe this doesn't apply to nouns? A part of me likes the poem better without the apostrophes, but the incorrect punctuation likely just distracts.

Nick, there’s still one capitalized “Autumn” in the poem.

Possessive “its” is an exception in Modern English, like “hers,” “ours,” “yours,” “theirs.” Otherwise, all singular possessives are formed like “summer’s” (as in your S5). “Summer’s” can also be a contraction of “summer is” or “summer has” (as in your S3 and like “it’s”). “Summers” without an apostrophe is plural, and the plural possessive is “summers’.”

Proper nouns ending in “s” can also be an exception, but that’s more frequent with Biblical/classical names: “Moses’ wife” or “Moses’s wife,” as you like.

I even found a reputable-looking site that recommends “Arkansas’ capital,” which strikes me as ridiculous: without the apostrophe, you don’t pronounce the final “s,” so why should an apostrophe add an extra sound? Same thing with stuff like “François’ hometown.” I don’t think so.

Luckily, your editor will clean up anything you miss, so it’s no big deal.

[Nick McRae]

I'm not sure what the etiquette is on bumping a revision, but I managed to make a few minor changes this morning for anyone interested in taking a look. I'm hoping to spend some more time with it later on, but it could be a few days (or more).

[Carl Copeland]

Good tweaks to a poem that was already very good. What I love about it—and I’m repeating myself—is the music. I think if I read it without being analytical and came back later for a second reading, I wouldn’t find it. Because I’d be looking in Met. It’s that musical.

Do you know Henry Taylor’s “At the Swings”? No one would mistake it for metrical, but your poem reminded me of it somehow. https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showt...t=henry+taylor

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

Good tweaks to a poem that was already very good. What I love about it—and I’m repeating myself—is the music. I think if I read it without being analytical and came back later for a second reading, I wouldn’t find it. Because I’d be looking in Met. It’s that musical.

Do you know Henry Taylor’s “At the Swings”? No one would mistake it for metrical, but your poem reminded me of it somehow. https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showt...t=henry+taylor

Thanks for the comment and poem. I'm not totally sold on the use of morning, but I like the two others. It's a bit of a puzzle trying to find more descriptive words that fit, but that still retain the rhythm and feel. I wish I had more time to look at it, but shockingly it does look a little closer to my vision now, so I'm glad I posted it.

And I have learned something new here, which is that I can (and should) level up syntax and recognize when I'm using lazy word choices and phrases. I didn't see these ones until Paula pointed them out.

[Mark McDonnell]

I like it, Nick. As Carl says, it has a haunting, yearning quality that deepens through the repetitions. I don’t really like “nigh” at all, and don’t see much reason for the archaism. What about “I feel the summer’s end” as a refrain?

I feel the summer’s end, the weeping grasses,
the dried willows, the ponds of August,
conversation echoing from gardens, through
the dust of fireworks, through dry, frigid air.

I feel the summer’s end, when you will leave me.
When wind turns to a crimson sky, when rain
courses through November. You will leave me,
morning's laughter echoing through our past.

etc

[Roger Slater]

Originally Posted by Nick McRae

I appreciate the suggestion. My read is that 'summer's end is nigh' sounds more formal, but I do like it. I'm not sure I could or would want to choose between the two, but it'd make for an interesting alternate version. And the more I think about it, I'm wondering if it does fit closer to my vision of the poem. I'm going to take this edit and sit with it for a while.

Not that it proves anything, but there's a wonderful song by John Prine called "Summer's End", which may be why my ear gravitated to that phrasing as the more musical and less formal. Here, if you're interested.

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Mark McDonnell

I like it, Nick. As Carl says, it has a haunting, yearning quality that deepens through the repetitions. I don’t really like “nigh” at all, and don’t see much reason for the archaism. What about “I feel the summer’s end” as a refrain?

I feel the summer’s end, the weeping grasses,
the dried willows, the ponds of August,
conversation echoing from gardens, through
the dust of fireworks, through dry, frigid air.

I feel the summer’s end, when you will leave me.
When wind turns to a crimson sky, when rain
courses through November. You will leave me,
morning's laughter echoing through our past.

etc

Ah, I like that one too. Lesson learned, every part of the poem is changeable. Before posting this I wouldn't have thought to change that line, as I like the original quite a bit.

I'm going to throw up another revision for comparison.