[Yves S L]

Version 1.1

My love and I await the pregnant dark
Of all unfolded possibility;
A moonless sky whose stare is now too stark;
But still she spends the last of days with me.
The Earth is spinning off its goddamn axis,
And of the many things I never did,
I never truly mastered parataxis,
Nor will I get a chance to raise a kid.
As starships circle high above and leave
What's left for those who have nowhere to go,
The world is too much ending and too soon:
The tapestry undone, there is no weave,
The greatest scientists declared it so,
When mad bad North Korea nuked the moon.

Version 1.0

My love and I await the pregnant dark
Of all unfolded possibility;
A moonless sky whose stare is now too stark,
But still she spends the last of days with me.
The Earth is spinning off its goddamn axis,
And of the many things I never did,
I never truly mastered parataxis,
I never got the chance to raise a kid.
As starships circle high above and leave
What's left for those who have nowhere to go,
The world is too much ending and too soon;
The tapestry undone, there is no weave,
It was all over, so all over, so,
When North Korea went mad and nuked the moon.

[Glenn Wright]

I wondered if L11 was meant to evoke or parody Wordsworth’s sonnet, “The world is too much with us, late and soon.” It seems too close not to be deliberate, but I don’t see the purpose of it. The first four lines present a serious tone and misled me into thinking that the poem was intended as an apocalyptic vision, like Byron’s “Darkness.” Lines 5, 7, and 14 offer improbable attempts at humor that struck me like giggles in a funeral eulogy. Is it intended to lampoon the more overworked memes of the sci-fi genre? If so, do you need a sonnet for that?

[Carl Copeland]

I had a good romp through this sci-fi sonnet, Yves. One thing I’d do is replace the semicolon in L2 with a comma. It may be expressive of your failure to master parataxis, but it tempted me to read: “A moonless sky, she spends the last of days with me.” I have trouble hearing the greatest scientists declare a global catastrophe to be “tapestry undone,” but scientists have been known to wax poetic. (The extra syllable in L14 sticks out in your otherwise impeccable IP, but that’s something I’ve been socially indoctrinated here not to complain about. It’s expressive of madness, no doubt.) All in all, much enjoyed.

[mignon ledgard]

Yves,

I love the moon stuff and the words you use, some of which take me to Google. I can never remember parataxis, even though I think I do alright applying it.

It looks like you need a comma after 'leave', at the end of line 9, but the capitalization of every line makes me doubt it. In this case, the cap on line 10, and no question mark at its end, don't help me, either.

I also like the tapestry line and it reminds me of an article I about the universe and a 'glue' that's like a weave (or a weave that's like a glue) that holds it together. I'll come back to post a link, if I can find it. I had written a poem about a golden filigree that held together past, present and future, or something like that--I had trouble finding a way to express what I had visualized and found this article on the web.

The last line is troublesome. I try to pronounce Korea with the stress on the first syllable and 'rea' as one syllable, but I think my accent is an impediment, so I'm unable to bend a little. I also don't know if doing so would work.

Stardust and a smile,
~mignon

https://www.foxnews.com/science/myst...for-first-time

~m

[Paula Fernandez]

Yves--

What an interesting choice of subjects for a sonnet. Overall, I enjoyed how you carried me from a place of positive expectation ("my love and I", "pregnant", and "unfolded possibility") all the way to the apocalyptic endgame. Well-played.

As a lover of rhyme and meter, I also appreciate the creative rhyme choices -- axis/parataxis, possibility/with me. My favorite bit was how the narrator regrets many things, but the two that come to mind are mastering parataxis and raising a child. Only a true language lover would put these in parallel. It gave me a chuckle.

On the meter, of course, I'm lightly disturbed in a few places. This is my first post (ever) in this forum, and I'm not sure it's permitted to offer specific rewordings, so forgive me if I overstep. (And let me know if it's not ok!). I wonder if the final line could be made more metrically satisfying with "When North Korea, maddened, nuked the moon."

Additionally, the thrice repeated "I never" didn't resonate with me. Repetition can be powerful, but here I think I would prefer variation. Perhaps "One was truly master parataxis, nor did I get the chance..."

Finally, I'm with Carl in finding the line referencing the "greatest scientists" declaring the tapestry unwoven didn't work for me. I feel if anything the greatest scientists do nothing if not declare the wovenness of the world's tapestry.

Overall, a smashing good poem!

[Yves S L]

Hello Glenn,

I am not sure how much of your questions are rhetorical, but I will say this: with no boasting implied, I have written the perfect post-modern sonnet, and the perfect metaphysical sonnet, but I have not cracked the glorious old chestnut of the romantic sonnet. I keep trying, but too many talented Englishmen wrote too much good stuff around that time.

Partly, the whole poem exists because I was riffing off Wordsworth and the reference situates the poem in the space I think it inhabits, and partly it exists as a continuing experiment with Romanticism and Sci-Fi, and partly if I am going to be writing comments on other people's poems, then it is only fair that I have something on the board for folk to comment on. If you want questions actually answered, do let me know!

Carl,

Folk are calling me up on the last line. There are two directions that come to me if I wanted to perfectly line up the rhythm of the last line.

[1] I could lean into more of the romantic references: "When mad bad North Korea nuked the mood".
[2] I could lean into more the sci-fi: "When North Korea nuked our only moon".

mignon,

Yeah, fundamentally, the sonnet is an ode to the moon, but just coming at it from a different angle than what the Romantics did. I like the tapestry line, but it seems some folk are creating different interpretations of what the line means. Sometimes pushing the boat out on rhymes creates interesting effects! Folk seem to want line 14 to be strictly lined up to the grid, so I went and did that! Thanks for your comments and the link.

Paula,

Welcome. I am always so happy to meet new people and get new perspectives. For myself, I am not bothered what you do to communicate your thoughts. Feel free to rewrite lines if you want. Thank you for your comments. I am going to do a light edit just to try stuff out.

[Carl Copeland]

“The” kid complicates things a bit: now there are three of you sharing the end of the world, but why not. “Mad, bad North Korea” sounds to me like an ironic dig at those who demonized North Korea—rather surprising in the circumstances.

[Yves S L]

Carl,

For me the kid was always there (hint hint), but I just foregrounded it to see how folk would read it. Yeah, but isn't having North Korea end the world already on the nose or did you just readily accept that? I have changed it back to "a" kid to leave it more open.

[mignon ledgard]

Yves,

I'm glad you chose the line you used as the closing one. It is not drab, the sound is enjoyable.

I haven't, yet, duly read the revision. I just saw the choices and wanted to get in my vote.

Good going!
~mignon

I'm back. I definitely like the revision. But I still stall between lines 9 and 10. Although now I see why, and it is correct, it is the only part that does not allow a pause between the lines. It is the only enjambment. It's like the 'whole' pushing its way. Is the effect done on purpose? I'll have to read it a few, if not many, more times to see if it's just me.

The change from 'a kid' to 'the kid' changes the psychology; it no longer seems fateful, but rather situational, perhaps adding a question about whose fault it may be. I hope I'm not off again.

Thanks for the treat of seeing how you go about it.
~mignon

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Yves S L

Yeah, but isn't having North Korea end the world already on the nose or did you just readily accept that?

Point taken. There are more than enough hints that I should be reading this as a spoof of apocalyptic sci-fi movies, so why was I looking for more? No sense of humor, I guess.