[Tony Barnstone]

Thanks, folks! I appreciate the feedback. I switched out distillation for yellow flow and gas station for gas hose, both of which should make the metaphor clearer, though I’m hoping to find a better adj than yellow.

Coming back later…changed yellow to citric.

…and changed like to of before battery acid so I don’t have three similes on one poem.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Tony,

How about "an amber" instead of "a yellow." I've usually read that normal urine is light amber in color.

Jim

[Alexandra Baez]

Hi, Tony--I think "citric" is a neat adjective, but its suggestion of citric acid seems to conflict with the following "battery acid" (while urine's acid is actually uric). What's more, the allusion to battery acid seems more stretched once you implicitly compare the urine to gas. Also, did you notice that you have the word "acid" twice in the poem?

[Tony Barnstone]

Hey Jim and Alexandra,

I think Alexandra's "uric" has the kind of clinical accuracy that that section is striving for, and I agree that the battery acid is no longer working, so I switched it out for a new line.

Getting there, I think. It definitely feels cleaner to me with the changes suggested by you folks! Thanks, Tony

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hi Tony

Could be enDao-ed with a bit more love of wisdom. The content is quite thin. I think it could be savagely trimmed to good effect.

Quite a brag on the gas hose. No? Lol

[Alexandra Baez]

"From me to not-me" is a great way to further the theme!