[Roger Slater]

I found some more:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
A better technique is to say you can’t pay.

Never seek to tell thy love
The one-night stands you’re guilty of.

The moving finger writes, and having writ,
Looks for someplace classy to submit.

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Prize.

When forty winters shall besiege thy brow,
Botox brings the springtime back somehow.

Th' expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Can lead to giant book contracts and fame.

“You are old, Father William,” the young man said.
“That is true,” said Father William, “but it beats being dead.”

I know that I shall meet my fate,
But God, I hope it’s running late!

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a Dramamine and some juice to swallow it by.

Sundays too my father got up early.
No wonder he was always so darn surly.

[Douglas G. Brown]

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
A stone, precisely thrown, is all it takes.

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,"
The deadbeat answers, once you've let him borrow.

Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn,
Got busted for downloading porn.

The boy stood on the burning deck
And got his chestnuts scorched, by heck.

Drink to me only with thine eyes,
Or I'll dump you for other guys.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
The surest route to wealth is larceny.

[Brian Allgar]

William Shakespeare (including the one mentioned by Julie)

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Wet, dismal, dreary, cold, depressing, grey.

When my love swears that she is made of truth,
I tell her that the fairies took my tooth.

How oft when thou, my music, music play'st,
It’s filthy rap - you have appalling taste.

O! how I faint when I of you do write
With curlers in your hair - a gruesome sight.

I never saw that you did painting need,
Although a facelift’s overdue indeed.

O! how much more doth beauty beauteous seem
With frequent use of anti-wrinkle cream.

As fast as thou shalt wane, so fast thou grow'st;
You diet, then you gorge on buttered toast.

Those lips that Love's own hand did make
Drool as you stuff your mouth with cake.

In faith I do not love thee with mine eyes,
But with my stomach - thanks for all the pies.

To me, fair friend, you never can be old -
You’re well embalmed, though showing signs of mould.

If thou survive my well‑contented day,
I didn’t hold the pillow all the way.

In the old age black was not counted fair,
But now, “politically correct” has got us there.

They that have power to hurt, and will do none,
Have much to learn from Attila the Hun.

Those parts of thee that the world's eye doth view
Are fine; the other parts are tempting, too.

Mine eye and heart are at a mortal war;
I love my wife, but fancy you much more.

In loving thee thou know'st I am forsworn -
I’d promised “No more call-girls who do porn!”

Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
I’m coming, baby ‑ here’s the tidal bore!

Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck;
But when I’m judging contests, starlets fuck.

Sweet love, renew thy force; be it not said
That you gave up halfway while giving head.

Double, double, toil and trouble -
Shaving’s hell, I’ll keep the stubble.

Full fathom five thy father lies;
A diver shouldn’t eat pork pies.

Where the bee sucks, there suck I;
Fellating flowers is worth a try.

O that this too, too solid flesh would melt!
It's all that ham I've let under my belt.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow -
Nothing on telly but reruns of "Zorro".

Who will believe my verse, in time to come,
Was used for something so completely dumb?

********

Andrew Marvell

The grave's a fine and private place;
Let's ditch the corpse and do it, Grace.

John Dryden

All human things are subject to decay;
I need a dentist ... but some other day.

William Blake

I was angry with my friend;
I poisoned him, and that’s the end.

John Keats

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My gums - that blasted dentist’s lidocaines.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan .....
That pest from Porlock’s here! Oh, darn!

It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three,
But the wedding‑guest is rather pressed ‑ he's dying for a pee.

William Wordsworth

She dwelt among the untrodden ways, beside the springs of Dove,
Accosting any gent who pays: "Fancy a quickie, Guv?"

Charles Wolfe

Not a drum was heard, not a funeral note,
For we cheered his demise, the repellent old goat.

[RCL]

These are "quickies" that I love!

[Roger Slater]

Sorry if some of these are duplicates, but I just found a few I may have left out:

Search of Lost Proust

I summon up remembrance of things past. . .
But might have read Guermantes Way too fast.


Shropshire Scandal

The time you won your town the race
Your pee revealed a steroid trace.


Gerard's Lament

The world is charged with the grandeur of God,
and I forgot my credit card!



Ode to a Nightingale

My heart aches and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense and I am left with shit for brains.


Death of a Hired Man

Mary sat musing on the lamp-flame at the table
As Silas passed away behind the stable.


Christina To Her Children

Remember me when I am gone away,
Or when I'm back there will be hell to pay.


Bard at the Door

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
Someone brings his bongos, I'm distraught.


Save the Environment

The poetry of earth is never dead...
but sometimes clings to life by the thinnest thread.

[Roger Slater]

I wandered lonely as a cloud
From which no downloads are allowed.

Behold her, single in the field,
Her diamond wedding ring concealed.

She was a Phantom of delight,
But I like flesh and blood at night.

[RCL]

Unfrocking Alfred

Let us go then you and I,
And I’ll explain about the use of me andI.

In the room the women come and go.
Is this, perhaps, an upper-class bordello?

For I have known them all already, known them all:
All who in their socks are all of six feet tall.

And indeed there will be time
To measure out this free verse crime.

[Brian Allgar]

The moving finger writes, and having writ,
Moves on to write another silly bit.