[John Riley]

Trevor, the science does read as though it’s read from a book. I’d work in making it read less eead and more thought. I agree about S3.

This is a good early draft of what could be a strong poem.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi David,

Thanks very much forgiving your input into this.

Much obliged.

Trev

Originally Posted by David Callin

Hi Trev. I like it, but I agree with the suggested removal of S3. It just waylays the reader unnecessarily, I think.

I would also cut the last two lines of S2, but maybe that's just me.

Cheers

David

[Trevor Conway]

Hi John,

Thanks for your feedback on this. I'll give it some thought.

Trev

Originally Posted by John Riley

Trevor, the science does read as though it’s read from a book. I’d work in making it read less eead and more thought. I agree about S3.

This is a good early draft of what could be a strong poem.