[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Julie and Richard—

Julie—I’m glad you feel I’m moving in the right direction. I don’t think the problem with sportsmanship is that it is mysterious or hard to understand. Rather, it requires a subordination of one’s own desire for glory to the best interests of the team and honorable norms of behavior. It seems to come more naturally to children than to adults. I thought the secondary stress on the last syllable of “difficult” would justify its use in this meter.

Originally Posted by Richard G

the final couplet still comes out of nowhere (maybe look to a new title to lay a bit of the groundwork?)
I’m conceiving of sportsmanship in its broadest sense. The obnoxious dad’s behavior shows bad sportsmanship, and the fact that his son is disturbed by it suggests that he has a better understanding of sportsmanship than his father. That sets up the conclusion expressed in the last two lines.

Unfortunately, “whizzed” also has a rather distasteful slang meaning, but I trust that won’t be a problem in context.
Not sure, you have 'plops' earlier (which might be seen as priming the pump.) Do they zip where you are?
“Zipping” solves this problem nicely.

The flash of the puck is their ultimate thrill.
Is it? I'd have thought that would be scoring/winning.
Fair point. I made the adjustment.

His breakaway ends with expected result.
Rather flat, for me. I'll see your Vandal and raise you
His breakaway ends in a raucous tumult.
I get to the shouting and exulting two lines later. The understated tone of S7L3 suggests that the N feels a bit sorry for the boy whose father’s boorishness embarrassed him and contributed to the error that lost the game.

The belligerent father can’t help but insult.
Who or what?
Alternatively
The stadium shakes as the winners exult.
The din drowns out the hockey dad''s insult.
For the meter to work, “insult” has to be a verb. Normally “insult” is transitive, so you’re right that the absence of a direct object is a problem. I made an adjustment designed to focus on the action itself rather than its target. Let me know if it doesn’t help.

Thanks, both, for your generous and helpful comments.

Glenn

[Chelsea McClellan]

Hi Glenn,


Just a thought:

As others have noted, "difficult" doesn't quite work since the rhythm ends up promoting a stress onto "be" to an awkward degree, which then makes it hard to put a proper stress on the "diff" of difficult. Additionally, it seems, to me, this poem might benefit from ending on an image rather than a statement, anyway. Something that demonstrates the adult having a harder time with sportsmanship, and trusting the reader to "get it."


Take care,
Chelsea

your grain of salt: .

[Richard G]

Hi Glenn.

I’m conceiving of sportsmanship in its broadest sense.
Might be an idea to let the reader in on that. Again, I suggest looking at the title (how you're going to get sportsmanship from 'Youth Hockey' eludes me.) The only one I can come up with is A Good Sport - but I think the poem would be better if you dropped it completely. Give the last two lines to whatever happens after a game, and looking ahead to the next one.

The obnoxious dad’s behavior shows bad sportsmanship,
In the sixth verse of an eight verse poem. Bit late to be introducing the subject, don't you think?
and the fact that his son is disturbed by it suggests that he has a better understanding of sportsmanship than his father. That sets up the conclusion expressed in the last two lines.
Gotta disagree, I thought the son was mortified by his dad's behaviour, not morally outraged by it.
You say the same thing, I think with
The understated tone of S7L3 suggests that the N feels a bit sorry for the boy whose father’s boorishness embarrassed him and contributed to the error that lost the game.
And, just so I'm clear, a father is complaining that his son isn't getting enough game time, while the kid is playing the game? Or does 'ice time' mean something else? And how does the kid hear him?

The conclusion feels like a moral that's been tacked on for ... who knows why? I don't think the poem needs it.

They’re straining to hear
the coach’s directions.
- Are they?

their moms appear, each clucking over her chick.
- that 'each' is a rhythmic wrench.

The spectators shout
What are they shouting (are they all angry dads?)


RG
.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Chelsea and Richard—

Thank you both for your useful comments.

Chelsea—Welcome to the ‘Sphere! I’m looking forward to reading some of your original work. I reworked S8L3 in order to put an unambiguously unstressed syllable in front of “difficult.” Hopefully that will resolve the metrical problem in that line.

Originally Posted by Richard G

And, just so I'm clear, a father is complaining that his son isn't getting enough game time, while the kid is playing the game? Or does 'ice time' mean something else?
The father wants his son promoted to the first line so he will have more playing time.

The conclusion feels like a moral that's been tacked on for ... who knows why? I don't think the poem needs it.
This, I think, is a very helpful observation. Several readers have commented that the last two lines seem to come out of nowhere. They also felt that the title didn’t add much to guide the reader.

Accordingly, I thought about how the poem presented steps in the learning process, and how some learners seem to be unable to move from one skill to the next, more difficult skill. The first few stanzas focus on physical/athletic skills, the last few on sportsmanship. I changed the title to point the reader in this direction. Hopefully it made the poem more unified and helped the last stanza to seem less disconnected. I was sorry to lose my tip-of-the-hat to Wordsworth’s “My Heart Leaps Up,” but it was a necessary sacrifice, I think.

I appreciate both of you taking the time to share your responses and suggestions with me. I understand that some readers will find the last two lines “telly,” and after more consideration, I may conclude that they need to go, but I hope the most recent adjustments will mitigate that objection somewhat.

Glenn

[Richard G]

Hi Glenn,
firstly, good work on the title - it's a big improvement (I'd been thinking about 'On Thin Ice'.) Is there any way that you could sow the 'sportsmanship' seed in the first verse? Is there a tweak you could make to this
They’re straining to hear
the coach’s directions
that might help? Not a serious suggestion, more a nudge

The Mini-Mites waddle, encased in their gear
like fat, eager puppies. They’re straining to hear
the coach’s reminder, the purpose of sport,
is lost in the noise as the proud parents cheer.

I know it costs you the astronaut, but I do think it, or something like it, would set up the ending more solidly.

The father wants his son promoted to the first line so he will have more playing time.
Ah. I wonder if readers who know the sport will get that. It (like Mini-Mites) sailed comfortably over my head.

The first few stanzas focus on physical/athletic skills, the last few on sportsmanship.
Aren't you rather stretching the definition of sportsmanship? To me the dad is boorish, not unsportsmanlike.

The spectators shout and the winners exult.
The angry dad can’t help but curse and insult.
- Perhaps broaden this out slightly by making 'dad' plural?

I understand that some readers will find the last two lines “telly,”
It's not 'telly' so much as they feel like part of a lecture. Also, is it an observation you (the poem) need to make? Surely, this an inference a reader might draw for themselves?
That said, how might a final couplet that begins
Hockey's like life, it can be difficult
...

Keep going!

RG.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Glenn,

This is a charming and tightly crafted piece, and I especially appreciate the narrative arc—how it opens in such playful innocence and builds toward a thoughtful commentary on sportsmanship. The edits you’ve made really help smooth the progression and tighten the meter, and I love the tonal balance between humor and insight throughout.

Some standout moments for me:

• The “small astronaut” image is delightful and instantly visual.
• “Skates like Hermes’s winged sandals” is a great mythological touch that works perfectly for the tone.
• And the final couplet really lands the moral with elegance.

If I were to make a tiny suggestion, it might be to explore whether the word “forsaken” in the penultimate stanza might feel a touch dramatic for the tone—though I see why it’s there metrically and sonically.

All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable piece with a satisfying arc. Well done!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Richard and Alex—

Thanks, gentlemen, for your kind encouragement.

Richard—you have been a truly dedicated Constant Reader. I appreciate your time and effort in helping me polish this piece. I took your advice and added “flutter” to S3L4 to expand the hen-and-chicks image. I had to smile at your suggested re-write of S1. In my rhotic dialect of English, “sport” does not rhyme with“astronaut,” “bought,” “taught,” or “caught.”

Alex—I’m glad you enjoyed this piece. I appreciate your positive, constructive, and useful comments.

You have both been very helpful.

Glenn

[Richard G]

Hi Glenn.

In my rhotic dialect of English, “sport” does not rhyme with“astronaut,” “bought,” “taught,” or “caught.”
Okay, you've got me. What does it rhyme with?

their moms flutter in; each clucks over her chick.
Like 'flutter in' but the meter stumbles (for me) how are you scanning it, and
by the other team’s winger, who brings home the bacon.
?

As for the last verse, sportsmanship pertains to the participants, so angry dad doesn't work as a negative example. If your arm was twisted, could you attempt an entirely different ending, one without a 'message'?

RG

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Richard—

I appreciate your continuing attention to detail. Your comments are really helpful.

Originally Posted by Richard G

In my rhotic dialect of English, “sport” does not rhyme with“astronaut,” “bought,” “taught,” or “caught.”
Okay, you've got me. What does it rhyme with?
fort, exhort, import, export, retort, sort, tort, wart, quart, short, torte, deport, and resort

their moms flutter in; each clucks over her chick.
Like 'flutter in' but the meter stumbles (for me) how are you scanning it, and
by the other team’s winger, who brings home the bacon.
?
their MOMS / FLUT ter / IN; each clucks / O ver / her CHICK (iamb, trochee, dactyl, trochee, iamb)

by the O / ther team’s WING / er, who BRINGS / HOME the / BA con (anapest, anapest, anapest, trochee, trochee)

As for the last verse, sportsmanship pertains to the participants, so angry dad doesn't work as a negative example. If your arm was twisted, could you attempt an entirely different ending, one without a 'message'?
In my view, sportsmanship is the responsibility of all of the participants in the sporting activity—players as well as coaches and spectators. It is especially involved in the actions of those who should serve as role models for the young players—the older siblings (who teach them to cheat) and the father (who models bad sportsmanship that his son may imitate by arguing with the coach and cursing audibly at a loss).

Thanks!

Glenn

[Richard G]

Hi Glenn.

fort, exhort, import, export, retort, sort, tort, wart, quart, short, torte, deport, and resort
Yowzer! So "tort/torte" but not "taught"? Whither "taut"?

their MOMS / FLUT ter / IN; each clucks / O ver / her CHICK (iamb, trochee, dactyl, trochee, iamb)
by the O / ther team’s WING / er, who BRINGS / HOME the / BA con (anapest, anapest, anapest, trochee, trochee)
I'd been reading the whole thing as, essentially, anapestic tetramater - which is why the 'moms' line keeps throwing me, and I've been reading that 'by' as stressed.

In my view, sportsmanship is the responsibility of all of the participants in the sporting activity—players as well as coaches and spectators.
I wouldn't disagree with your view, but that simply isn't the definition of sportsmanship one would find in a dictionary. How is a reader supposed to know what you intend? Speaking of (and this may be a "not knowing a thing about ice hockey" question) but I'd been reading this
The players slap gloves
as the winning team high-fiving each other. I'm now wondering if I've been wrong and this is both teams essentially shaking hands? If that's the case I think you can get the 'moral' in without shoehorning it. Something along the lines of

The players slap gloves and the victors exult.
To lose, as to win, it can be difficult
to demonstrate sportsmanship, like an adult.
The angry dad can’t help but curse and insult.

RG
.