[Richard G]

Hi Alex.

the fixed, confrontational/glaring look
That's what I was taking from it.

Still struggling with that 'out' in L10. Might there be a word/sound that shows him inhaling? Something to pair with achoo? Or a description of the scent (tart rather sprang to mind.) Or simply just "inside his nose. Then he"?

Not keen on 'dapples dust' (not the most noirish of words, dapples. I'm also overlooking how the backstreet has become a road.)

There was a hint of menace in the earlier versions, but this line rather removes it.
He’s down, with cheer, to show

Just a thought

His butt braced on a T-Bird's hood
......... some rent-a-muscle shows
off steroid arms. Sleeves tattooed.
......... He pours her in. It rumbles low . . .
They’re off, smoke gobbling air like food.

[Julie Steiner]

Hi, Alex!

Am I missing something? The "He" of the final stanza now seems to be still describing the panhandler, not a different man.

[Alex Pepple]

Thanks again, Richard. I’m glad glare is working in the context—appreciate the affirmation. Your follow-up on the latest revision is sharp, as always. I agree that “with cheer” dulls the edge of the scene, and something that maintains the tension would serve it better. I’ll keep working on that.

Hey, Julie—thanks for the close reading! Yes, the he in the final stanza is a different man. I’d hoped the narrative made the shift clear, but I see how it might be confusing. In earlier drafts, I had “man” or “fella,” but those carried their own ambiguities, especially in proximity to the first he. I’m hoping the understated repetition of he still works well enough within the vignette style!

Cheers,
...Alex