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I mean for the poem to come off as playful.
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Sorry, Jim, but it just doesn't - as others who've responded have said, one way or another, using words like "dark" and "toxic".
I didn't think for one minute, I hasten to add, that you have an unhappy marriage, but poems aren't always autobiographical; because this one
is, if you want it to be read as light-hearted, then you have to give readers a hint, or some clues, of the true nature of the relationship!
S1 is a bit menacing (we don't know any different, remember
) so I think it would work really well if you lighten it up in S2.
Jayne
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