[Matt Q]

Hi Ashley,

I'm with James in thinking this is well put together, but maybe a little lacking in surprises. They are some great touches here. I like the ABC of stanza 2, for example, and the algebra reference. I like that drives to the school carpark to listen to it.

I wonder if you need the obituary. Knowing he's thinking of her 30 years later is maybe enough. We can wonder why. There are a variety of possible reasons for him to recall her and seek out the tape. As it stands, everything is very clear cut, wrapped up. The poem it makes it very clear what's happening and what his motivation is. There's not that much to wonder about once it ends. Maybe there's some scope for the reader to get more involved in constructing the story?

Here:

you’ve never had morning breath
or stubble on your knees.

I reckon you might need a comma or something after "breath". I read it as "you've never had morning breath [...] on your knees", which kind of implies something (someone else in the bed, maybe?) that I don't think you're after. Though it could just be me that read it that way.


best,

Matt