[David Callin]

REVISION

A day or two later, after the first
shock bravely borne, as hardly unexpected,
she sank onto the sofa in the midst

of one of his old domestic chores
that, under the agreement that they had,
they shared equitably as partners,

and she began to cry. I sat beside
her, I hope I hugged her then,
but bringing poetry to bear I shared

Donne's summary dismissal of You, Death,
in hope of reassembly, after all,
when we, or our remains, are laid in earth,

transfigured in a greater Auld Lang Syne
with old acquaintance, greeting a New Year
in which we shall not languish or repine ...

cold comfort for a grieving chatelaine,
so we turned back our attention to the day.
The hearth was cleaned, the fire made up again.

ORIGINAL

A day or two later, after the first
shock bravely borne, as hardly unexpected,
she sank onto the sofa in the midst

of one of his old domestic chores
that, under the agreement that they had,
they shared equitably as partners,

and she began to cry. I sat beside
her, I hope I hugged her then,
but bringing poetry to bear I shared

this sentence read against You, that You are
slave to fate, chance, kings etcetera,
which cannot be denied, but to maintain

that more pleasure than from rest or sleep
from You shall flow, and You shall be no more,
Death Thou shalt die, and we shall all get up,

transfigured in a greater Auld Lang Syne
with old acquaintance, greeting a New Year
in which we shall not languish or repine,

is not something that we went into then,
but turned back our attention to the day.
The hearth was cleaned, the fire made up again.

[Carl Copeland]

Nice to see you back, David. (It may not be as long as it seems, since I recently played hooky for a month too). I enjoyed exploring this poem. A few random thoughts:

Pentameter, if that’s what you’re going for, is not well established in the first three tercets. Tet is an option in S1L1 and S2L1 and seems unavoidable in S2L3 and S3L2 (the latter could even be trimeter). In S1L2, it’s unclear whether to stress “shock” or “brave-” (or even both for hexameter). The poem settles more firmly into pentameter after S3 and even picks up a rhyme toward the end. That said, a little hyperometry bothers me not at all. I have to count to find it, which I wouldn’t bother doing outside the Sphere.

I wondered why a particular chore had been “his” if they shared the chores “equitably as partners.” I guess an equitable agreement could still assign washing the dishes to her and cleaning the hearth to him.

It doesn’t seem a terribly comforting verse to choose (the comforting bit is what you didn’t get into), but I guess you had to be there.

I’d restore Donne’s comma after “Death” in S5.

The subject of “turned back” in S7 is a little iffy from a strict grammatical standpoint, but it’s impossible to misunderstand, so I don’t know why I’m even mentioning it.

I love the New Year conceit in S6 and the poem’s playful use of archaic wording and inversions. Fine last line.

[Hilary Biehl]

I like the poem and wouldn't change it much. Two minor nits:

S3L2 is noticeably short. That may or may not matter but it did jump out at me.

Are/maintain in S4 is the only pairing that can't be read as a slant rhyme. Since the rest of the poem has a consistent pattern, I think it would be worth revisiting that.

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Hilary Biehl

Are/maintain in S4 is the only pairing that can't be read as a slant rhyme. Since the rest of the poem has a consistent pattern, I think it would be worth revisiting that.

The consonance slants, though I saw them, give my tin ear no pleasure. Ticking the box in S4 will do nothing for me. Alas.

[W T Clark]

There is a very interesting poem at the centre of this poem, David. But while it makes wonderful use of the minor details, I feel that the true emotional encounter is circled around in a way that comes to me as unsatisfactory: as if the poet is not doing enough work at extricating the true material for the reader. You are not yet at the baserock of the subject: you need to keep digging. As a minor note: "bravely borne" seems to me archaic and stiff and too easy. — Also, I must admit, that particular Donne poem is not the one I would use to comfort the mourning: it seems far too logically-fantastical not to be read against itself as a desperate monologue given by someone who clearly knows everything they are saying is in some sense a coping lie. Its comfort only seems to lie for me in its very wrongness: in the humanity of its wrongness. If that is also under the surface of this poem: the mismatch of poetry and mourning, I would also desire it brought out more fully.

Hope this helps.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, David—

I like this poem very much. The awkwardness and futility of trying to use words and reason—no matter how beautiful the words are or how compelling the logic—to comfort a grieving friend is something we have all experienced. Only human touch and silent presence, being there to witness and validate the grief, can be of any help, as can the return to the simple demands and chores of living.

I like the teasing use of rhyme, appearing and disappearing in the slant rhymes of the first five tercets to suggest the disruption of the bereavement, then establishing itself assertively in the last two tercets to suggest the beginning of a return to normalcy.

Glenn

[Susan McLean]

Like Hilary, I noticed the slant rhymes in the first and third lines of each stanza. I liked them, and I thought their imperfection was appropriate, given that you are talking about how the effort to comfort is not successful. But the lapse in S4 didn't seem particularly helpful. If you want to maintain the slant of the rhymes, how about "declare" instead of "maintain"? In fact, I'd suggest losing the one perfect rhyme, "Syne/repine" and using something more slant, such as "mourn." The attempt to comfort feels more poignant because unsuccessful. You have another rhyme that can be perfect, depending on pronunciation, "then/again," and you could keep that to signal finality or else change it to maintain the imbalance. Either way has its appeal.

Susan

[R. S. Gwynn]

It's carrion comfort to be sure but all one could give. "They turned to their affairs" echoes faintly at the end but in the kindest possible way. Nits are nits. I wouldn't change much as I was touched.

[James Brancheau]

I’ll echo Sam’s sentiments about the poem. I’m touched as well. I love that close. And “I hope I hugged her...” is a very quietly human, poignant moment. Terrific.

[Matt Q]

Hi David,

I really like how, at this early stage of loss, they hold off on the resurrection and eternal life part of Donne's sonnet -- yet, at the same time, the poem ends on a resurrection image of sorts: The fire, having gone out, and the grate having been cleared, is built up again. I get the sense that it's the N who holds back, out of kindness, thinking it's too soon. Though maybe they both know that poem and avoid that subject.

one of his old domestic chores
that, under the agreement that they had,
they shared equitably as partners,

seems to me to say, "they had (previously) shared one of his domestic chores, equitably, as partners". But in that case, in what sense was it his chore, if they were sharing the cleaning of the grate equitably?

I wondered if you'd intended that the chores had previously been divided up between them -- she'd done one set of chores (putting the bins out, cleaning the bathroom etc, say), and he'd done a different set (cleaning the grate, hoovering, etc.) -- and she was now doing a chore that had previously been his alone? But I don't think the above says that.

I was initially confused by "but to maintain"; it first read to me as "except": death cannot be denied, except to maintain that ... So, I was bit lost when I later got to "is something we didn't go into then".

Reparsing, and having checked where, in Donne's poem, the sentence ends, I read, "but to maintain that there's more pleasure in death than sleep is something we didn't go into then". But I don't know if that construction is quite is quite right. It sounds odd to me anyway. The "to maintain" is what seems to throw it off for me, I think. (Compare e.g., "To maintain the Shakespeare is better than Donne is not something we went into", which seems slightly off, grammatically). And would they go into the act of someone maintaining of it, of holding that position, or just into the subject matter? I dunno. Maybe be it depends on how you read the implied subject of "maintain". If it's Donne, they maybe they didn't go into the fact that Donne maintains this?

best,

Matt