[John Riley]

Revision


Moving Life With Questions

She is ironing a blue dress in the white washroom
The heat from the iron warms her hand
The room is filling with the red slant of a falling sun
A kitchen is through the open door
Steam rises from a boiling pot
Her hair is cut at a slant
Her bangs angle down her forehead
A darker red light comes through the window
Her free arm is now covered with red
She sets the iron on its end
She smiles and takes a slow whirl
Her hair is too short to fly up
She turns back to the ironing board
She picks up the dress with both hands
She presses it to her breasts
Now we must make a decision
Does she move into the kitchen to cook dinner
Is the dress her finest
Is she planning to wear it tonight
Is she a young virgin still confused
Is a young husband upstairs
Is he about to disappoint her
Is she a French girl who sings La Vie en Rose
Is she leaning toward the window
Is she still here


***


Moving Life With Questions

She is ironing a blue dress
Standing in the white washroom
Heat from the iron warms her hand
The room is filling with the red slant of a falling sun
A kitchen is through the open door
Steam rises from a boiling pot
Her hair is cut at a slant
Bangs angle down her forehead
A darker red light comes through the window
Her free arm is now covered with red
She sets the iron on its end
She smiles and takes a slow whirl
Her hair is too short to fly up
She turns back to the ironing board
Picks up the dress with both hands
She presses it to her breasts
Now we must make a decision
Does she move into the kitchen and cook dinner
Is the dress her finest
Will she wear it tonight
Is she a young virgin still confused
Is a young husband upstairs
Is he about to disappoint her
Is she a French girl who sings La Vie en Rose
Is she leaning toward the window
Is she a beauty soon gone

[Brandon Hyer]

John, this is fantastic! You effortlessly led me in and out of a painting (or at least it felt effortless ) in a unique way.

The only thing that stood out to me on the first reading was the repetition of “slant”, which may have been intentional, or might be unconcerning to you.

Regardless, really well done.

[Carl Copeland]

I really like this too, John, and Brandon’s right about the “moving life” painting. You paint a realistic picture, stroke by stroke, but stop before filling in the subject herself (though I love the way you sketch her hair and movement by telling us something that didn’t happen). The only thing that bothers me a little is the double image I get from last line: You seem to be saying, “was she a beauty whose beauty is now gone,” but the grammar says, “was she a beauty who is now gone.” If you mean that her younger, beautiful self is gone, replaced by an aging woman, I suppose it’s not a problem. I also wondered about the association of virginity with confusion, but now I’m really splitting hairs. It’s a painting I’ll linger in front of for a while.

[Julie Steiner]

Beautiful, John. Perhaps de-capitalize the pronoun "With" in the title?

Like Carl, I'm not sure if the last line is 100% there. Maybe it is. I'll need to mull it over some more.

[John Riley]

Thanks to all. I post poems I'm unsure about and am happy this one is working for you three.

I knew the last line wasn't there. I've changed it and hope I get feedback on whether this is better.

Thanks again.

[Julie Steiner]

I like the way that the new last line keeps the latter part of the poem as a progression of "Is" rather than switching to "Was". She still "Is" all these things in this moment.

It's not clear if the "Was" after the stanza break is still part of the poem. I'm thinking it's not.

[W T Clark]

I think it's wonderful, John.
"Now we must make a decision" what a wonderful arc into the vertical. I think you are far into your project of making things that have removed the "poetical" glitter of language and yet are poetry in their hard crystalline truthfulness. I think the revision masters the last line but I wouldn't advise for much more.
Hope this helps.

[Brandon Hyer]

For what it’s worth I preferred the original ending

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Carl Copeland]

I was getting ready to grumble about the last line again, but I see you’ve got a new one up, and this one I can only contemplate in silence. True, I would have expected “there” rather than “here,” but that’s because I’m standing in front of a canvas, and “here” puts me inside the picture (or brings her out), which is probably the idea.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Yes, this is quite great, John, though I prefer Carl's idea of changing the last word from here to there. The form here is particularly fresh, those unpunctuated single sentence lines. It telegraphs your oft-professed desire for a poetry that contains absolutely nothing unnecessary, and raises an interesting paradox: that pure necessity here is really carried by the form rather than the content, for the content is all circumstantial, all evanescent, yet the form presents it in a way in which nothing distracts us from what it is. We are drawn in by the sound of your voice, yes, but we are not drawn in to that voice, we are drawn in only to the picture that voice paints. That is not easy to do: to direct the reader invisibly.

Even the title is nakedly frank, and yet its depth seems infinite.

And I agree with Cameron about this transition: "Now we must make a decision". How lovely, as a reader, to be included in that moment by the word "we".

I would study your own hard-working intuitions in this one.

Nemo