[Jayne Osborn]

Here you go - some info that might help...7000 varieties and the 18 you actually need to know about

Jayne

The Oldie Competition
by Tessa Castro

Competition no 192
For pies, bobbing, giving to the teacher or anything else, you need the right kind. A poem please called “The Wrong Kind of Apple’’. Maximum 16 lines.
Send your entries in by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T
3EG), fax (020 7436 8804), or email comps@theoldie.co.uk to ‘Competition No 192’ by 24th July.
Don’t forget to include your postal address.

[John Whitworth]

The Wrong Kind of Apple

Prince Paris was given an apple
Which he gave to a goddess, and then
The impetuous boy
Caused the burning of Troy
And the ruin of millions of men.

Fot it wasn’t the right kind of apple,
Being probably more of a fig,
And everyone knows
If you eat one of those
Then the scope for disaster is big.

Mother Eve ate the wrong kind of apple
Because of a snake in the grass,
And the terrible cost
Was Paradise Lost
And Humanity out on its arse.

In the fresco in the Sistine Chapel it's fig. I bet you didn't know that.

[Ann Drysdale]

I really thought I could beat you to this one, John, having written just such a poem which I'd entered for a competition somewhere else a while ago. I found it, copied it, checked before post-pasting it - and discovered that it's a winner in the aforesaid comp. Bugger. Now I'll have to write another one.

I'm going to Ledbury soon, though, staying on a cider-farm where all the cottages are called after apples. I'll sup the golden nectar and think between hiccups.

[Ann Drysdale]

And between reading your post, John, and posting mine, I discover that your peach/plum has become a fig, and a reference to the Sistine Chapel has appeared where I swear no such thing was before.

This business of moderators editing stuff without trace is seriously disturbing to those of us who are inclined to question their sanity when things go weird.

It may be an Eratosphere perk, but to my mind it is a custom more honoured in the breach than the observance. And why is there no emoticon for a tut-driven sniff?

[John Whitworth]

Youareright, Ann. I had thought the apple was a peach or something, but found it was a fig. I should have owned up but I didn't think anyone had seen it. I am very contrite.

Do send me your winning poem.

[Ann Drysdale]

I shall email it forthwith. You are forgiven.

[basil ransome-davies]

Originally Posted by Ann Drysdale

And between reading your post, John, and posting mine, I discover that your peach/plum has become a fig, and a reference to the Sistine Chapel has appeared where I swear no such thing was before.

This business of moderators editing stuff without trace is seriously disturbing to those of us who are inclined to question their sanity when things go weird.

It may be an Eratosphere perk, but to my mind it is a custom more honoured in the breach than the observance. And why is there no emoticon for a tut-driven sniff?

Jazz hands, laurel wreath, worshipful respect & much else to Ann Drysdale for knowing (as few seem to) that 'more honoured in the breach than the observance' does not mean 'more commonly breached than observed'.

[John Whitworth]

Indeed, Bazza, but Ann knows all, as we all know.

[Terese Coe]

The Wrong Kind of Apple

The truly meretricious
Apple is the Delicious,
Because anything that erect
Is simply incorrect.

I cannot bear a striped one
Or even an overhyped one,
And if your apple squirms,
Those things inside are worms.

I find most bakers lie
About which to use for pie
In New York, because Upstate
Your pie determines your fate.

That is, if you’re a female.
Still, the occasional he-male
Likes to show his skills
With the Granny Smiths he grills.

edited 7-13

[Jayne Osborn]

I really thought I could beat you to this one, John, having written just such a poem which I'd entered for a competition somewhere else a while ago. I found it, copied it, checked before post-pasting it - and discovered that it's a winner in the aforesaid comp. Bugger. Now I'll have to write another one.

Annie,
No you won't. Send it in. I can boast (as I've done here once or twice before, ahem) that I've won The Speccie and The Oldie with the same poem! I've never seen either of the comps stipulate that entries can't have appeared elsewhere; they don't seem bothered about that, thankfully.

Jayne

PS. Re Please tell me I can use "come" innocently. Julie,... Hmm, not sure I can tell you, in the context you've used it