[Trevor Conway]

REVISION:

Title changed; two stanzas added; some other changes. Thanks for all the help.

City Pigeons

Tucked into humanity’s corners,
they coo and squabble,
flutter their gossip,
flee in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and green iridescence.

Ledges, lampposts, lines of trees
and lonely statues are worthy perches.
The waft of wings on the back of my neck
comes sudden and bold,
like a declaration.

One meanders, retracing steps,
without any sense of destination.
In fact, its course is quite attentive,
puff-chested and knight-hooded,
around a nodding female.

Others gather as I open a bag,
with no intention of sharing my lunch.
The daring court conflict,
while the careless are unconcerned by cars
and add touches to the city’s scenery:

a flat, red mess stamped on road,
a blur of droppings like TV static,
feathers scattered in bursts of fury,
their dramas set amongst us.



ORIGINAL VERSION:

Pigeons

Tucked into humanity’s corners,
they coo and squabble,
flutter their gossip,
flee in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and green iridescence.

One meanders, retracing his steps,
devoid of sense or destination.
In fact, he treads an attentive orbit,
puff-chested and knight-hooded,
around a slender female.

A flat, red mess stamped on road,
stray feathers plucked in fury,
a blur of droppings like TV static,
they set their dramas amongst us.

[Jim Moonan]

.
Stanza 1 is my favorite. You've nested three separate cameos of a pigeons' existence. I was a bit disappointed not to see the larger landscape of the city involved, but it is implicit. However, the whole of it feels like sketches painters do of certain pieces of the whole as they work toward a finished painting. This poem could become a composition that weaves the three in a seamless way, creating a kind of poetic triptych. But this does not do that — almost, but not quite. It strikes me as a work in progress.

I do like S2, too, for its accurate description of a pigeon's courting behavior. It strikes a cord with me because I was recently sitting in a park I watched this exact scenario being acted out and it was thrilling to watch.

Stanza 3, to be blunt, is pigeon as wallpaper. It is a close look at the gruesome way some pigeons meet their end. We seldom give any thought to how it occurred as we move from point A to point B — though some of us have seen/felt that split second as one flies in front of our car, disappearing from view with a soft thud and we feel it being flattened under our tires. We wince and drive on.... This stanza recalls that.

S3L2: I wonder about "plucked"; "scattered" might work better. Also, I'm on the fence about the description of the droppings as "TV static". Static is auditory to me. But I do see you are instead going for the visual representation of static.

All three stanzas are instantly relatable to me. Pigeons are ubiquitous city dwellers. I am reminded of the song, "Feed The Birds" from Mary Poppins. I've always loved that interlude/scene. I imagine them as outcast doves.

The last line comes close to stitching the three stanzas together, but again, not quite. It is too abrupt an ending, imo. The poem is a sketch on its way to becoming a composition — but beautifully conceived.

Now homing pigeons... that's a stanza waiting to be written.

.
.

[Simon Hunt]

Hi Trevor--Jim has said pretty much what I might've said. To go slightly further on his thoughts about stanza 3, I really found myself craving more of a narrative thrust or trajectory to the poem as a whole. Although 3 is shorter than the others, I found putting the 3 stanzas in any order really wouldn't change the poem much. Maybe that's fine (like a ghazal...), but I did feel I wanted to go somewhere.

One other thing: "tucked" doesn't seem right to me, since there's nothing cozy about pigeons' existence in our cities. Squeezed? Crammed?

Cheers,
--Simon

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Trevor,

I think this has good potential, but I don't see it as finished yet. Make of my comments what you will. Your poems are well-liked here so far, probably much more than mine, so don't let me cause you to mistrust your own judgement. That said, here goes:

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

Tucked into humanity’s corners,
[I have questions about "tucked" and "humanity's." If you mean "tucked" literally then what follows in the poem conflicts because the pigeons are everywhere active and anything but tucked away or "pigeon-holed." If you mean "tucked" figuratively as in out of sight/out of mind, the same paradox applies. I think you are meaning to say that pigeons find niches and places to squeeze in among us and yet you immediately start citing their activities occurring in the same spaces where the humans are. There needs to be a transitional moment. As far as "humanity's" you might be better served by allowing reader inference to assume automatically that people are present in cities. To me something like this might work better:

From their hideaway corners, and ledges
they come, coo and squabble,
flutter their gossip,
flee in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and green iridescence.

One meanders, retracing his steps,
devoid of sense or destination.
In fact, he treads an attentive orbit,
[it's hard to reconcile how the fellow can be devoid of sense or destination and yet tread an attentive orbit. Do you need to say "seeming devoid of sense...."]
[for that matter, "In fact, he treads an attentive orbit, puff-chested and knight-hooded, around a slender female" could be compressed, say, to "Puff-chested and knight-hooded, he orbits a slender female."
puff-chested and knight-hooded,
around a slender female.

A flat, red mess stamped on the road,
stray feathers plucked in fury,
a blur of droppings like TV static,
[my favorite line]
they set their dramas amongst us.

I think if the N was more involved here, the ending would be more meaningful. "they act out their comedies and tragedies as if players listed in a program I read from my bench."

All the best,
Jim R.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Trevor,

I was intrigued by your “Pigeons” title. They’re fascinating birds in their own right, and coincidentally, I’m working on my own pigeon poem—hopefully, it will come together coherently enough for posting sooner or later!

Your observational, almost Attenborough-esque approach has merit, and the details bring the scene to life. If I were to suggest anything, it would be to tighten some areas for sharper immediacy and flow:

Tucked into humanity’s corners,
they coo and squabble,
flutter their gossip,
flee in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and green iridescence.

— "Humanity’s corners" doesn’t quite sit right for me; something more concrete might work better. Also, tightening this opening could enhance its rhythm and immediacy:

They coo, squabble,
and flutter their gossip
in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and iridescent green.

One meanders, retracing his steps,
devoid of sense or destination.
In fact, he treads an attentive orbit,
puff-chested and knight-hooded,
around a slender female.

— There’s a bit of tautology here with ‘meanders’ and ‘devoid of sense or destination,’ which essentially describe the same thing. Also, ‘attentive orbit’ might be an overstatement when just ‘attentive’ would do. Here's a potential trim:

One retraces his steps
with no sense of destination.
He trots by, attentive,
chest puffed and knight-hooded
around a slender female.

A flat, red mess stamped on road,
stray feathers plucked in fury,
a blur of droppings like TV static,
they set their dramas amongst us.

— A small tweak here could smooth out the final stanza while keeping its stark impact:

A flattened red mess on the road,
stray feathers plucked in fury,
blurred droppings like TV static—
they stage their dramas amongst us.

I hope something here is useful to you! Good luck with this, Trevor.

Cheers,
…Alex

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Jim, Simon, Jim & Alex,

Many thanks for all the feedback. I don't have much time to consider it in depth at the moment, but I'll certainly look into an alternative for "tucked", and my first impression, Alex, is that some/most of your edits make things run more smoothly. I'm looking forward to finding some time to edit it with all of your feedback in mind.

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

Trev

[John Riley]

Trevor, this has a good sense of where the language lies and what you want to do with it. What I question are phrases such as the first line. Why are trees and buildings humanity's corners? If you are going to make such a statement it needs backup. Pigeons are constantly looking for food so there is "sense and destination" in their steps.

As I write this I know it won't go over well. I'm an advocate for trying to think through the poem's content. Sometimes the pigeons are anthropomorphized, other times not. I think you have a fine draft to work but it's time to think a little deeper into what is being stated about the birds.

[Trevor Conway]

Hey John,

Thanks for your input. I don't see why it wouldn't go over well with anyone. The development of a poem's theme/thought is certainly important.

I'll certainly give some deep thought to figure out what I can try out, see how it works.

Thanks again.

Trev

[Matt Q]

Hi Trevor,

I like a fair bit of this individually. I like "Tucked in humanity's corners" and don't think it needs elaboration. I also like "they set their dramas among us". I think these lines give the gist of the poem.

But I wonder about the general sweep/progression: S1 gives us all pigeons ever. Then in S2 we get one single pigeon. Then in S3, I think, we're back to all pigeons again. It seems a bit odd to zoom in only one individual pigeon. And why focus only on this one, why on courting and not some other activity? Devoting a third of a poem to this example suggests its pretty important, but I don't really see how it is. So, maybe it'd be possible to give two examples in S2? Alternatively, what happens if you just cut S2?

I take S3L1-3 to be giving three separate examples of pigeonry. But presented as a comma-separated list, it could almost be read as a single dead pigeon, its body flat on the road, some of its feathers plucked, a blur of droppings ... So maybe there's a way to make this clearer?

In S2, it seems a little odd that L1-2 state something as fact, then L3-5 tell us it's not true. It feels like there should be a "seemingly" or "seems" before "devoid" -- or some other qualifier, or maybe it could be phrased as a question.

best,

Matt

[Trevor Conway]

Thanks for your take on this, Matt. I think I'll add "as if" before "retracing".

All the best,

Trev

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Hi Trevor,

I like a fair bit of this individually. I like "Tucked in humanity's corners" and don't think it needs elaboration. I also like "they set their dramas among us". I think these lines give the gist of the poem.

But I wonder about the general sweep/progression: S1 gives us all pigeons ever. Then in S2 we get one single pigeon. Then in S3, I think, we're back to all pigeons again. It seems a bit odd to zoom in only one individual pigeon. And why focus only on this one, why on courting and not some other activity? Devoting a third of a poem to this example suggests its pretty important, but I don't really see how it is. So, maybe it'd be possible to give two examples in S2? Alternatively, what happens if you just cut S2?

I take S3L1-3 to be giving three separate examples of pigeonry. But presented as a comma-separated list, it could almost be read as a single dead pigeon, its body flat on the road, some of its feathers plucked, a blur of droppings ... So maybe there's a way to make this clearer?

In S2, it seems a little odd that L1-2 state something as fact, then L3-5 tell us it's not true. It feels like there should be a "seemingly" or "seems" before "devoid" -- or some other qualifier, or maybe it could be phrased as a question.

best,

Matt