[Glenn Wright]

Learning Curve

The Mini-Mites waddle, encased in their gear
like fat, eager puppies. They’re straining to hear
the coach’s directions. A small astronaut
plops onto the rink while his proud parents cheer.

The rest wobble after, their skates newly bought,
or passed down from siblings who patiently taught
them the rules of the game and a sly, handy trick
to hook an opponent without getting caught.

One poor little fellow trips over his stick
and falls on another, who promptly gets sick.
They both begin fussing and crying until
their moms flutter in; each clucks over her chick.

A few of the youngsters show promising skill,
zipping over the ice rink with never a spill.
The skates on their feet are like Hermes’s winged sandals.
Scoring a goal is their ultimate thrill.

Then fast forward through a few more birthday candles.
They’re now on a comp team that expertly handles
faceoffs and hip checks, slapshots and dekes
with confidence worthy of Vikings or Vandals.

One of the fathers relentlessly seeks
more ice time for junior with loudmouth critiques
of the coach’s decisions. His poor son is shaken.
The loss of his focus affects his techniques.

His bobbling pass is most skillfully taken
by the other team’s winger, who brings home the bacon.
His breakaway ends with expected result.
The goal leaves the hopes of the home team forsaken.

The players slap gloves and the winners exult.
The angry dad can’t help but curse and insult.
For a child masters nothing as difficult
as sportsmanship as he becomes an adult.
————————
Edits:
Title: Youth Hockey > Learning Curve
S3L1: tripped > trips
S3L2: fell . . . got > falls . . .gets
S3L3: started > begin
S3L4: . . . appeared, hugging each unhappy chick. > . . . appear, each clucking over her chick. > their moms flutter in; each clucks over her chick.
S4L2: sailing > whizzing > zipping
S4L4: The flash of the puck > Scoring a goal
S7L1: deftly > skillfully
S7L4: The game winning goal leaves the home team forsaken. > The goal leaves the hopes of the home team forsaken.
S8L1: The spectators shout > The players slap gloves
S8L2: hurls out an > can’t help but > The belligerent father can’t help but insult. > The angry dad can’t help but curse and insult.
S8L3: Sportsmanship often can be difficult > For a child learns nothing as difficult > For a child masters nothing as difficult
S8L4: impossible > more challenging > for a child, but more challenging for an adult. > as sportsmanship as he becomes an adult.

[Richard G]

Hi Glenn,
I think this works very well until the final two lines. Not sold on the title - Sportsmanship, perhaps?

S1 - I wonder if there was a more entertaining team name than 'Mini-Mites'? Something that might licence 'astronaut'. Little confused by 'plops onto' and 'rest wobble after'.

S3 - Think you could make a bit more of the 'mother hen' image' than simply 'appeared' (can't they flap or flutter or cluck or ...)

S4 - It's clever but those 'winged sandals' don't convince, perhaps adjusting the rather bumpy L2 to include reference to speed?

S5 - Hadn't thought of Vandals being synonymous with confidence (possibly they're Vigorous?)

S6 - L2, do you need 'more'?

S7 - perhaps something other than 'deftly' (easily?)

S8 - I really like the last line, but I don't think the rest works that well. Rhythmically it's very bumpy, 'spectators shout' seems too much like filler and there hasn't really been an instance of a child showing poor sportsmanship throughout so the final two lines seem to come out of nowhere.

His bobbling pass is most deftly taken
by the other team’s winger, who brings home the bacon.
The spectators shout and the victors exult.
The game-winning goal leaves the home hearts forsaken.

The coach is supportive, 'It's nobodies fault'.
The choleric father spits out an insult.
...?

RG

[Jim Moonan]

.
I love a good sports poem.
Being an Alaskan, it's about time you wrote a poem about hockey : )

You've impressively, playfully communicated the hockey milieu that envelopes a hockey family. My daughter married into a hard-core hockey family and it's been a learning curve for me. The first four stanzas are spot-on in my experience as a newly converted hockey grandfather, having just spent a long season of Sunday mornings at the rink watching my grandchildren (son and daughter) play Mini-Mites level. It is just as you say: comical, endearing, full of messy, hard-fought lessons that both bond and define a young family.

Beginning with stanza 5, your shift forward into competitive hockey rings true, too. Sport becomes a parable for living life like it is a game that can be mastered. (Baseball was my right-of passage sport.)

S3L2 feels rhyme-driven, as does S7 — though again, the rhyme scheme is so tightly woven that it is almost a given that there will be some rhymes that might clang in some readers' ears.
S7L2-3 seem redundant.

The final line I want to resist. I was a respectful, thoughtful, encouraging parent at games. There were occasions when I experienced other parents being not-so-respectful (obnoxious is the word) but they were few and far between. Competitive sports in childhood become a mirror for good parenting.

Anyway, this is a worthy entry to the sports genre of poetry. I'd like to share it with my daughter, if you don't mind. (I'll wait for the inevitable edits to take place : ))

.

[Max Goodman]

I like the landing spot and there's fun along the way: the puppies, the astronaut, the sly hooking.

This has two big ambitions, to chart kids' whole course through youth hockey, and to follow a rhyme-scheme that requires four rhymes for each sound. Kudos for taking it on and handling it well.

More complex rhymes might add to the fun. The sandals/.../Vandals is the most fun for me here.

Precision feels important to me in light verse. Places where the technique feels to me to falter:
the mis-stresses of "insult" and "difficult"
"affects his techniques" which feels both vague and imprecise
the shift to past tense in S3
"forsaken" (The dictionary lists forlorn among possible meanings, but there's no forsaking going on here.)

FWIW.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Richard—

Thanks for offering your helpful suggestions. I took your advice in several places and feel it improved the piece.

Glenn

Originally Posted by Richard G

S1 - I wonder if there was a more entertaining team name than 'Mini-Mites'? Something that might licence 'astronaut'. Little confused by 'plops onto' and 'rest wobble after'.
“Mini-Mites” is the name of the age division for 5-6-year-olds in North American Youth Hockey. Children this age must be well padded, and they really do look like little astronauts when they are suited up. Many are also brand new to skating, so they are exploring the ice rink as if it were the surface of the moon.

S3 - Think you could make a bit more of the 'mother hen' image' than simply 'appeared' (can't they flap or flutter or cluck or ...)
Good suggestion. I made the adjustment.

S4 - It's clever but those 'winged sandals' don't convince, perhaps adjusting the rather bumpy L2 to include reference to speed?
I changed “sailed” to “whizzed” to avoid mixing metaphors. Unfortunately, “whizzed” also has a rather distasteful slang meaning, but I trust that won’t be a problem in context.

S5 - Hadn't thought of Vandals being synonymous with confidence (possibly they're Vigorous?)
I had in mind the Vandals [capital “V”] that gave the Roman Empire so much grief. Genseric sacked Rome in the fifth century with admirable confidence.

S6 - L2, do you need 'more'?
I wanted to suggest that the dad is nagging the coach to let his son have more playing time.

S7 - perhaps something other than 'deftly' (easily?)
I had a problem avoiding repetition of words meaning “skill” (S4L1), “expertly” (S5L2), “deftly” (S7L1). I see that I need another syllable in S7L1, so I changed “deftly” to “skillfully,” concluding that it is far enough away from S4L1 that the repetition will not be noticeable.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim and Max—

Thanks for dropping by and sharing your generous responses to my poem.

Jim—I appreciate your encouraging comments. My experience with my two sons in youth hockey was much like yours. The obnoxious parents were very few, but very memorable. I’m pleased that you would care to share my piece with your daughter.

Max—Good catch on the tense shift in S3. I also changed S6L4 to make clear that their hopes of victory (not the team members) were forsaken. I thought that the specific “techniques” were clarified in S7L1.

I appreciate your useful suggestions, gentlemen.

Glenn

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Richard G

Hi Glenn,
I think this works very well until the final two lines.

Exactamundo. Unless it's a brilliant acting out, in the poem, of someone finally falling to the ice in a heap. But it's not, is it?

Really enjoyed it up to that point.

Cheers

David

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, David—

Thanks for weighing in. Your comment was very useful in sending me back to the last stanza. Richard and Max both pointed out the metrical problems as well as what they saw as a logical change in direction.

As far as the meter, I was able to move the stress from “IN sult” (noun) to “in SULT” (verb).

As to the logic, I wanted the N to focus not only on the game, but more generally on the entire scene, including parent spectators, as a drama. I also wanted the reader to appreciate the irony of an activity designed to teach sportsmanship in which the older players teach the younger ones methods of cheating (S2L3-4), and parents model poor sportsmanship (S6-8). It serves as a microcosm for the honorable principles we teach our children and the less honorable behaviors we model for them. The word “impossible” seemed rather overstated after I read your comment, so I toned it down to “more challenging.” I think this underscores the “child is father of the man” theme.

I appreciate your helpful critique.

Glenn

[Julie Steiner]

I like the revisions, Glenn.

I still trip over the stresses on "difficult" in the penultimate line. I wonder if something like

     Sportsmanship's ways are arcane and occult

might work for us both.

[Richard G]

Hi Glenn,
the final couplet still comes out of nowhere (maybe look to a new title to lay a bit of the groundwork?)

Unfortunately, “whizzed” also has a rather distasteful slang meaning, but I trust that won’t be a problem in context.
Not sure, you have 'plops' earlier (which might be seen as priming the pump.) Do they zip where you are?
and zip/speed round the ice rink with nary a spill.

Still think 'appear' is redundant (and the rhythm of that line's a bit ... tricky.)
their moms flutter, clucking like hens with a chick ?

The flash of the puck is their ultimate thrill.
Is it? I'd have thought that would be scoring/winning.

Genseric sacked Rome in the fifth century with admirable confidence.
I got the reference, just seemed a stretch is all. Never heard the fall of Rome being described as an act of 'admirable confidence'. How about 'with a swagger'?

His breakaway ends with expected result.
Rather flat, for me. I'll see your Vandal and raise you
His breakaway ends in a raucous tumult.

The belligerent father can’t help but insult.
Who or what?
Alternatively
The stadium shakes as the winners exult.
The din drowns out the hockey dad''s insult.

Final thought
For children sportsmanship is difficult
and it doesn't get easier when they're an adult.


RG

.