[Alex Pepple]

Symbiosis of Metal


The machine urges me,
lights flickering dim through haze,
with pores in sweat-slick spree.

The salted droplets mob
over the muscled craze.
Gripped in a willful throb,

the blood with ferrous praise
sparks heart and flesh ablaze.

------------------------------------------------------

~~~Was previously ~~~

Symbiosis of Metal


The machine urges me
beneath the lamplit haze,
with pores in sweat-slick spree.

Flooding salt droplets mob
over the muscled craze.
Gripped in a willful throb,

the blood in ferrous praise
sparks heart and flesh ablaze.

---------

L2: gaslight's > lamplit

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Alex—

My reading of this piece is that the N is engaged in pushing himself on an exercise machine until he feels himself become one with the mechanical device. I am not entirely confident with this interpretation because “gaslight” implies a Victorian setting. Perhaps the N is a laborer in a factory 130 years ago who, overcome by his aching muscles, boredom, and the heat, imagines himself merging with the machinery. “Gaslight” can also mean “to manipulate a person into doubting his or her sanity.” Perhaps the N is hallucinating, imagining that the iron in his blood is turning him into a robotic worker.

I like the terza rima-ish structure, which evokes Dante’s Inferno and suggests hellish punishment.

I think that a clear, strongly marked trimeter beat would enhance the mechanical imagery. Here are a few suggestions:

S1L1: The maCHINE URges Me > The ENgine URges ME

“Flooding” and “mob” are working at crossed purposes. Is the sweat a flood of liquid or a crowd of personified droplets? How about:
S2L1: FLOODing SALT DROPlets MOB > SALty DROPlets MOB

S2L2: Over the MUScled CRAZE > the ACHing MUScles’ CRAZE

S2L3: GRIPPED in a WILLful THROB > GRIPPED by WILLful THROB

Hope this is helpful. I enjoyed your poem.

Glenn

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Glenn,

Thanks for the in-depth critique! You're right that the setting could be clearer. I was thinking of fluorescent lighting (which is gas-based), but I can see how "gaslight" strongly evokes a Victorian era and could suggest manipulation. So, it's now "lamplit," which works better for this era ... and even for the Victorian era!

As for the meter, there are a few lines that begin with a trochaic substitution, as you rightly scanned them--and that's intentional. But I appreciate your suggestions for strengthening the mechanical rhythm--I'll keep them in mind for now, and see how I feel eventually about undoing the substitutions. Your line revisions and suggestions are thoughtful.

I like that you picked up on the terza rima structure (although, it's just a modified/nonce form of it and not strictly terza rima!), evoking Dante—that hellish punishment!

Thanks again for your careful reading!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Alex,

I like how the rhyme and prosody in this have helped you find interesting, arresting images such as pores in a spree and sweat droplets in a mob. I like the lamplit/sweat-slick/droplet play and the way the Ls sing throughout. I do have a question about one preposition. Oscar Wilde made a famous comment about spending a morning putting a comma in, and an afternoon taking it out. I sometimes do something similar with prepositions, going back and forth in a piece between two or more of them. In this case I am wondering about "in" in the penultimate line and am wondering if it should be "with:"

.....................................
Gripped in a willful throb,

the blood in [with] ferrous praise
sparks heart and flesh ablaze.

It seems in the original the blood has received praise and is therefore motivated to spark the heart and flesh. The change to "with" would to me imply the blood is giving praise that actively sparks the heart and flesh. I don't know if I am right in my assumption or which way you want this to read. Prepositions can give me fits.

All the best,
Jim

[Julie Steiner]

Hi, Alex!

I'm sorry to confess that I completely misread this one. I think what threw me was "lamplit," which to me conjured either street lamps or very poor, flickering lighting as in a seedy restaurant, and "spree," which conjured pleasure from a loss of self-control. Everything else from there seemed to reinforce the back-alley robotic sex scene I was picturing.

Imagine my surprise when you endorsed Glenn's more innocent exercise machine interpretation!

Maybe you don't need to change a thing, but I thought I'd mention my misreading in case it's helpful.

[Max Goodman]

I like the poem without being sure I understand it. The first line is intriguingly mysterious, and while I'm rarely drawn to poems that withhold, the language is so dense, each word potent, that I'm held until the end.

The last six lines strongly evoke exercise--of the type Glenn understands, and the type Julie understands. Line 2 pushes me toward Julie's reading.

FWIW.

[Alex Pepple]

Thank you all for reads and for your useful insights! For a short/minimal poem like this where every word must carry its weight and more, and thus needs to be carefully chosen, I tend be slow at deciding to change and changing anything—just to be sure there’s no unforeseen dilution of the, ahem, concentrated verse at hand, or some other such adverse effects. Still, with all considered, I now have a new version up, which I hope it works better!

• Jim, you’re right that checking and rechecking prepositions, similar to the checks on comma, is a good practice. And I’m sold on the ‘with’ … thanks!
• Julie! No one can accuse poets of not having unbridled imagination, as your initial reading can testify to! I actually don’t mind that take! I see it giving the poem such an enviable depth from the tame exercise reading of Glenn to your back-alley robotic sex scene! But on a serious note, I’m glad you’ve made me aware of this potential reading so I can look for ways to revise for better precision.
• Max, thanks for weighing in. I’m glad you like how it’s turning out. You’re right about the density of expression, which also means more caution in editing to retain the tension and meaning(s)!

I hope there’s even more to like with the revised version!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Jayne Osborn]

Alex,
My reading was similar to Glenn's - the N working up a sweat on one of the machines at a gym, but I just don't see how either "gaslight" or "lamplit" (and now the revised "lights flickering dim through haze") comes into the scenario, other than for the sake of the "haze/craze/praise/ablaze" rhymes.

The lighting - of whatever kind - seems irrelevant, when other factors are much more in evidence when one is working out.

There are many -aze rhymes; I think the poem would benefit from a different L2.

Jayne

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jayne,

Thanks for weighing in with your take. I understand your point about the lighting possibly seeming irrelevant to the scenario.

In my vision for the poem, the "flickering lights through haze" serves multiple purposes - it creates the atmospheric setting where sweat might lead to blurred/hazy vision, it suggests the disorienting sensory experience during intense exertion ... The haze represents both the physical state of the protagonist and the atmosphere of the environment.

In such a minimal poem, I'm trying to make every word carry multiple layers of meaning. The rhyme scheme certainly guides some choices, but I believe the imagery of flickering light cutting through haze adds an important visual dimension to the physical experience being described.

I appreciate your thoughtful reading and suggestions!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Jim Moonan]

.
Hi Alex, I've only skimmed the comments, but Julie's stood out. I, too, read this as a sultry, ultra-close-up of a sexual encounter. It happens with hot-button-like sensual wording. We are deep-thinking animals with innate drives, tendencies and a host of other elements that can conceivablly be described as machine-like.

The poem reminds me of ecstasy. (I've been whipped into ecstasy by nature herself and wrote about it.) There is a consummation of sorts taking place. I don’t think the two varying views (your and Julie’s) are all that different. Your subconscious may be at work and perhaps you are melding the two and drawing attention to the way the body responds to physical stimulation.


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