[Richard G]

.
On the Aerodynamics of Bees


He got me. Did you see that?
Little fat, winged fucker shot me.
I come in for my daily fix
and pow! covered in coffee. Man,
what a waste, a venti skinny
cinnamon dolce latte. Fuck,
hot. Damn, that better not be blood.
And who thought it was funny
to give a bow and arrow to a baby?
Wait. How come he can fly?
Is gold a drug?
Was my muffin spiked?
Say, anyone ever tell you
you have the most beautiful–


.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello Richard,

This piece has a lively, offbeat energy that makes it a fun read! There's some sharp, witty phrasing here, and I think with some judicious trimming and tweaks, it could become even punchier. The humor works well, but tightening the focus could help maximize its impact.

Here are some suggestions... to take, leave, or modify as you see fit!

On the Aerodynamics of Bees

He got me. Did you see that? → This opening doesn't do much for me and feels throwaway.
Little fat, winged, fucker shot me. → This feels like it might work better as an ending revelation.
I come in for my daily fix
and pow! covered in coffee. Man,
what a waste, a venti skinny
cinnamon dolce latte. Fuck,
hot. Damn, that better not be blood.
And who thought it was funny
to give a bow and arrow to a baby?
That little fat, winged, fucker shot me. → This is a good spot to end the poem with a strong punchline.
Wait. How come he can fly? → From here to the end, I don’t find much depth being added to the poem.
Is gold a drug?
Was my muffin spiked?
Say, anyone ever tell you
you have the most beautiful–

This has the potential to be a tightly honed, sharp-witted piece that lands its humor with even more impact. The suggested refinements aim to streamline the joke’s buildup while keeping its irreverence intact.

Good luck with this, Richard!

Cheers,
...Alex

[R. Nemo Hill]

I think this is perfect as is, Richard, and I especially like the close in which the confusion becomes that of love itself.

Nemo

[Richard G]

Hi Alex,
many thanks for the read and suggestions. Much appreciated (I do love a ponder.)

Hi Nemo,

I think this is perfect as is,
Aw shucks. Gratified you enjoyed it.

RG.

[Roger Slater]

I agree with Nemo. My only possible issue is with the title, which is sort of a misdirection. The title sounds great, but maybe doesn't fit the poem closely enough. I'm not sure. It does sound good! How about calling the poem "Honey Bee", which would address the bee angle but also address the Valentine part?

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Richard—

I really enjoyed this. You are a master of the interior monologue.
I do agree that the title sent me off in the wrong direction.
In lines 6 and 7 I wonder if “. . . Fuck. / Hot! . . .” might clarify the speaker’s intonation.
Excellent work!

Glenn

[John Riley]

I agree with Nemo and with Roger regarding the title. I can see being attached to the title but think something simpler would work best.

[Richard G]

Hi Roger.

My only possible issue is with the title, which is sort of a misdirection.
Oh, it's all sorts of misdirection.

How about calling the poem "Honey Bee", which would address the bee angle but also address the Valentine part?
Are you sure? Isn't the expression Honey Bun or Bunch? Tap tappity, tap tap. I sit corrected. The usage doesn't seem that widespread though.

Perhaps, "Bee in a Bonnet"?

Hi Glenn.

I really enjoyed this. You are a master of the interior monologue.
I think this one's more your exterior monologue, but glad you enjoyed it.

I do agree that the title sent me off in the wrong direction.
Yes, Roger's right. Just fumbling around trying to come up with an alternative. (Suggestions welcome.)

In lines 6 and 7 I wonder if “. . . Fuck. / Hot! . . .” might clarify the speaker’s intonation.
Perhaps, but if I put in all the exclamation marks the piece requires it just looks ridiculous. I'm inclined to trust the reader to stress in the right place (as it were) and just leave the one with pow!


Hi John.

I can see being attached to the title but think something simpler would work best.
Feel free to make some suggestions. I'm currently barrel scraping (Honeyed, Cupid & Psycho, Unleaded, Morning Buzz ... "Amoretto"?)


RG

[Matt Q]

Hi Richard,

This was fun, and the flustered/irritated tone works well against ending, I think.

I agree with others on the title. I'm assuming you want the reader to consider the possibility that the fat, winged fucker is a bee (maybe you don't?), and I think the first two lines may well still do that without "bees" in the title -- and could do so even more, for example, if you went with "stung me". And once the identity of fat, winged fucker is resolved and I learn that it's not actually a bee but a baby with a bow and arrow (Cupid) who shoots him -- or at least that's how I'm reading it -- I'm left wondering how bees actually relate to the poem. And then naming bees in the title seems more of a misleading than a misdirect. But maybe I'm missing something? I guess you have "the birds and the bees" connection (though that's more sex than love). Is that what you're after?

Of the titles you've suggested so far, I think I like "Morning Buzz" most. You still get to suggest a bee, plus the "buzz" of coffee, and the "buzz" of attraction. And unlike with current title, once we learn it's not a bee, the "buzz" still seems to be doing some work. Anyway, I'd suggest looking for a title that doesn't name bees or Cupid. The latter would remove any surprise/resolution that comes from the baby with a bow and line line.

"Little fat, winged, fucker shot me."

Do you need a comma after "little", too? Otherwise "little" seems to be modifying "fat".

"Is gold a drug?"

I'm missing the connection of gold to rest of the poem. Is it something to do with the coffee? The cinnamon, perhaps?

best,

Matt

[Richard G]

Hi Matt.

I'm assuming you want the reader to consider the possibility that the fat, winged fucker is a bee
Yep.
and could do so even more, for example, if you went with "stung me".
Hadn't thought of that. Thanks.
I'm left wondering how bees actually relate to the poem.
Cupid has an association with bees, and the representations of him (putto) made me think of the misconception that bees, given the size of their wings, shouldn't be able to fly.

Of the titles you've suggested so far, I think I like "Morning Buzz" most. You still get to suggest a bee, plus the "buzz" of coffee, and the "buzz" of attraction.
Good to know, thanks.

Anyway, I'd suggest looking for a title that doesn't name bees or Cupid. The latter would remove any surprise/resolution that comes from the baby with a bow and line line.
Right, I'll be over here, pondering.

Do you need a comma after "little", too? Otherwise "little" seems to be modifying "fat".
No, I finally spotted it myself, then kept on forgetting to change it.

I'm missing the connection of gold to rest of the poem. Is it something to do with the coffee? The cinnamon, perhaps?
Cupid has two arrows at his disposal, gold for love, lead for derision.

Many thanks.

RG.