[Susan McLean]

Homecoming (revision)

I'd seen her college only once. One fall
when I was just a child, our family made
the long drive there. Parked floats from the parade
we'd missed are all that I can now recall.

So when we next escort her to the Hill
at Homecoming, it feels like the first time
I've seen it. It's a warm and sunny climb
to where the old brick buildings cluster still.

Here she was happy. Here she was befriended.
She had a football scholarship because
the men were off at war. We witness where
she studied chemistry, played bridge, attended
concerts, joined the drama club. We pause
at times, to spread her ashes here and there.


Homecoming (original)

I'd seen her college only once before,
at Homecoming one sunny day in fall
when I was just a child. I now recall
parade floats in a parking lot, no more.

So when we next escort her to the Hill
at Homecoming, it feels like the first time
I've seen it. It's a warm and sunny climb
to where the old brick buildings cluster still.

Here she was happy. Here she was befriended.
She had a football scholarship because
the men were off at war. We witness where
she studied chemistry, played bridge, attended
concerts, joined the drama club. We pause
at times, to spread her ashes here and there.



Revisions:
L14 was "at times, to spread her ashes here and there." Reverted to "at times" from "sometimes" but added a comma before it.

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Susan,

This is very good. The three stanzas divide the narrative nicely. The rhymes are very good. Deceptively simple or vice versa when you read the end words of each stanza: Before fall recall more / Hill time climb still, and then the seemingly more sophisticated rhymes in the sestet that have the same simplicity. Each stanza of end words comments in an interesting way on the narrative. Good, clean sonnet in many ways.

The only hitch for me is what the word "homecoming" does to the meter in the two lines in which it appears. You could eliminate (replace) them, perhaps, and let the title identify the events.

Rick

[Pedro Poitevin]

I found this sonnet moving, and I admire its clarity in storytelling and its ability to evoke memory. The repetition of "Homecoming" made me perceive a layering that feels poignant and meaningful.

The sestet, in particular, is very strong. The specific details—her scholarship, her activities—her football scholarship!—and the pauses to spread her ashes—are handled with expert hands. The understated final couplet is especially effective, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

If I may, I do wonder if the first quatrain could be refined slightly. While it establishes the childhood memory effectively, the phrase “no more” feels somewhat abrupt in tone and seems to shift away from the natural flow of the stanza’s structure and diction. Perhaps there’s a way to retain the reflective quality while tightening or sharpening the focus?

Pedro

[Susan McLean]

Thanks for your responses. I was afraid that the poem might seem too simple, so I am glad to hear that it is not striking you that way.

Rick, I wanted to keep repeating "Homecoming" because I wanted the other meaning of it to sink in gradually. But it also seemed strange that the only two times I was ever at the college were both on Homecoming weekend. I think the meter is okay with the word "Homecoming," because one would promote the last syllable to carry the stress, but it makes the rhythm of the line feel more conversational not to be strictly regular in beat. I had not tried reading just the last words of each line, but I remember that Dick Davis pointed out that good sonnets usually have end words that are significant to the meaning of the poem. So, thanks for mentioning them.

Pedro, it is good to hear from you again. The poem is very moving to me, and I was not sure that I could convey that to a reader. I tried hard not to state what I was feeling, hoping that what was unstated would be more powerful than if I spelled it out. For the same reason, I left the speaker and the subject's identities and the reason for the trip unspecified until the end. I have been thinking about ways to avoid the "no more" at the end of S1. I am implying the frustration of not being able to remember anything about the campus itself, but also trying to suggest what interests a child: seeing a parade float up close for the first time. I also like the overtones of loss that "no more" carries. So, for now, I am leaving it as is, but I will continue to think about it.

Susan

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Susan,

Understood, but could you show me how you scan those lines as IP? It seems to me you'd have to follow the dactyl with a stressed syllable, which isn't happening in the second instance. Kind of not in the first either.

[Susan McLean]

Rick, here is how I scan S1L2:
at HOMEcoming one SUNny DAY in FALL (with the -ing promoted to carry the beat, but not stressed when reading)

And here is S2L2:
at HOMEcoming, it FEELS like the FIRST TIME (with the -ing promoted to carry the beat, but not stressed when reading)

Each line feels as though it has four stresses, but has the right number of syllables to read as pentameter if you acknowledge promotion.

Susan

[Pedro Poitevin]

The way I parse the lines with Homecoming in them is as iambic pentameter (IP) lines with a trochaic substitution in the second foot. In Spanish, the equivalent hendecasyllabic line is often called melodic, a term denoting its natural stress patterns and smooth cadence. I have no objection to either melodic lines or emphatic lines (which feature a trochaic substitution in the first foot). However, I find trochaic substitutions on the third foot particularly jarring unless the stress on the following iamb is strong enough to counterbalance the disruption. This reaction may be idiosyncratic, but I suspect—based on intuition and observation, but reinforced by reading a treatise that attempts to provide a universal theory of meter—that there are solid metrical reasons why substitutions become more challenging to execute successfully at the third foot, which is the median foot of the line.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Susan—

I wanted to add my praise to the other approving voices. I was struck by the way the simple, direct language and organization complement the sincere and honest, but restrained and understated grief. Although the style and character of the two poems are very different, I was reminded of A. E. Housman’s poem, “To an Athlete, Dying Young.” The elegiac strain is very difficult for modern poets to achieve successfully, but you did it.

Glenn

[Roger Slater]

The problem with that scansion, Susan, is the infamous three-unstressed- syllables in a row question. My autopilot wants to promote "ing", and while I can consciously overrule my autopilot after a second reading, I don't usually enjoy having to do so. In L2 it's not as big an issue for me, since (unlike you) I can sort of promote "one", so the second and third feet in the line can combine to form something of an ionic, but the later "homecoming" is a bit harder for me to conform. Having said that, I do think the repetition of the phrase "at homecoming" is appropriate and effective, so maybe the effect of breaking meter ultimately works to bring those words into greater relief. Overall, the poem is effective.

PS-- It might also help to put a comma after Homecoming in L2, which I think would encourage the promotion of "ing". Then, perhaps, surround the next Homecoming with commas as well, but perhaps change it to "this Homecoming"?

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Susan

I love the soft sadness you evoke. In a few short lines we get a full sense of the person and the life lived. My only criticism is the beginning of the final line "at times". "We pause at times " feels a little ungainly to me. How about simply end-stopping and repeating "we pause" on the final line? ie

concerts, joined the drama club. We pause.
We pause to spread her ashes here and there.

Joe