[Glenn Wright]

September Storm

Swooping low in tense patrols,
the sparrows catch my eye.
The thunderheads have flattened tops
like anvils in the sky
where God will hammer thunderbolts.
Leaves tremble on the trees.
The limber birch sways drunkenly.
All Nature’s ill at ease.

The storms of spring and fall are thought
to deal the harshest shocks,
as though the angels, light and dark,
fight most at equinox.
In spring the powers of life prevail;
in fall, the spirits of death.
So the children of Job were killed
by Whirlwind’s lethal breath.

My daughter hugs our Labrador.
The lights begin to flicker.
I light a row of candles as
the rain and hail fall thicker.
Branches slap the windowpanes
and lightning flashes rouse
a roaring wind that prowls around
the garden and the house.

“What will happen to the birds?”
my daughter asks, near tears.
“They know to find a hiding place,”
I say to calm her fears.
Next morning in the peaceful light,
she sleeps while I begin
to find each feathered corpse and hide
it in the garbage bin.
————————
Edits:
S1L8: All Natures feels unease. > All Nature’s ill at ease.
S2L3: as though the angels of light and dark > as though the angels, light and dark,
S3L6: Thunder and lightning rouse > and lightning flashes rouse
S4L1: “What happens to the birds?” I hear > “What will happen to the birds?”
S4L2: my daughter, fighting tears. > my daughter asks, near tears
S4L3 “They know how to stay safe,” I say > “They know to find a hiding place,”
S4L4: to calm her innocent fears. > I say to calm her fears.
S4L6: while she sleeps, I begin > she sleeps while I begin

[Richard G]

Hi Glenn.

I enjoyed stanzas one, three and four, but S2 felt like a digression, do you need it?

S1. I wonder if, in L2, you could change the 'my' to 'our' as by S4 it's clear that the daughter has also seen the birds.

S3. Might there be an alternative to 'Thunder and lightning'? (It's the third mention of thunder, and feels a tad predictable.)

S4. Two niggles.
I hear feels forced.
"What happens to the little birds?" / "What will happen to the birds?"
My daughter fighting tears.

And is N finding or gathering up 'each feathered corpse'? (Should that final 'it' be 'them'?)


RG.

[Susan McLean]

Glenn, I think the second stanza is pulling its weight. You have mentioned that the birds in question are sparrows, which calls up the biblical line about God noticing each sparrow's fall. But the allusion to Job's children acts as a counterweight to that idea. God may notice, but he doesn't prevent the deaths. I think the poem is effective.

Susan

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Richard and Susan—

Thanks, both, for responding to my poem.

Originally Posted by Richard G

I enjoyed stanzas one, three and four, but S2 felt like a digression, do you need it?
I wanted to frame the storm as a small skirmish in an eternal cosmic battle between life and death, light and dark, good and evil. I also wanted to suggest that the collateral damage in this battle often claims tiny, insignificant victims. I also liked the death of Job’s children paralleling the death of the birds.

S1. I wonder if, in L2, you could change the 'my' to 'our' as by S4 it's clear that the daughter has also seen the birds.
Because the daughter does not appear until a dozen or so lines later, I didn’t want the reader to be distracted by wondering, “Who is with him?”

S3. Might there be an alternative to 'Thunder and lightning'? (It's the third mention of thunder, and feels a tad predictable.)
Good point. I will try to come up with an alternative to this cliché.

S4. Two niggles.
I hear feels forced.
"What happens to the little birds?" / "What will happen to the birds?"
My daughter fighting tears.
Good suggestion. I made a change.

And is N finding or gathering up 'each feathered corpse'? (Should that final 'it' be 'them'?)
Pronoun agreement rules are currently in flux in English, but “each feathered corpse” is definitely a singular antecedent requiring a singular pronoun. It is similar to “I took each apple and put it on its [own] plate,” even though there are several apples involved. If it sounds awkward, I could substitute “to find the feathered corpses and hide/ them in the garbage bin.” I hesitate to do this because it damages the meter.

I appreciate both of you giving your thoughtful suggestions and generous encouragement. Thanks again.

Glenn

[Carl Copeland]

You’re a good storyteller, Glenn, and the strength of this poem is its drama. I think it’s the ballad meter, which I love, that makes me want to smooth out several of the lines so that I can sing them properly:

     S2L3: How about “hosts” instead of angels?

     S4L3: Maybe something like “They know where to hide” or “They’re good at staying safe.”

     S4L6: “While” isn’t obviously stressed, which makes a headless line (as you apparently want) hard to pull off.

S1L8 gave me pause for some reason, and I thought of recommending “All Nature’s ill at ease.” Just a thought.

S4L4: “Innocent” seems a bit clichéd and fillerish.

A good story, though. One I won’t soon forget.

[Richard G]

Hi Glenn.

Because the daughter does not appear until a dozen or so lines later, I didn’t want the reader to be distracted by wondering, “Who is with him?”
I was distracted wondering where she had been (and if with him, why wasn't she mentioned) so the question might work both ways. That said, I've finally realised she might be asking about birds in general. Objection withdrawn.

Good suggestion. I made a change.
That's an improvement. Though, as Carl notes, 'innocent' is looking awkward. (And given they die, is innocent even right?)

Pronoun agreement rules are currently in flux in English, but “each feathered corpse” is definitely a singular antecedent requiring a singular pronoun. ...
To me the line reads like "I find each bird [individually] and [individually] place it in the garbage bin, then repeat the process". And isn't there an opportunity for a 'gathered up'?
Asking as a non-American, would bin work on it's own or do you always have to specify garbage?
I gather up each feathered/tiny corpse
and hide it in the bin.

RG.

[David Callin]

Hi Glenn,

I think I agree with Richard that S2 seems something of a digression, but I can see why you want to keep it. And S4 ends very satisfyingly. (That's in poetical terms only - I'm not happy that the birds are dead. What kind of monster do you think I am?)

On the micro-level, I'd prefer something small and specific to the vague grand gesture of the current S1L8. And would "as though the angels of light and dark" be better without the "the"? Normally such metrical deviations wouldn't bother me, but the metre seems so strict in this throughout. Having said which, S2L7 could probably do with some meter-based attention.

Cheers

David

[Hilary Biehl]

I'm another who isn't sold on the second stanza. It feels generic, and I'm more interested in the daughter and the birds than I am in the differences between spring and fall. I'm not sure what Job is doing in there. I think you could cut that stanza and the poem would be fine (better, in fact).

I agree with David on S1L8. Something small and specific would work better there, I think.

I also agree that "innocent" doesn't feel right. And I think there might be a more interesting word than "peaceful" in the following line.

I quite like the ending, though. Don't change that.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Carl, Richard, David, and Hilary—

Thanks very much for your helpful responses.

Carl— I made all of the adjustments you suggested, and tightened up the meter considerably. Thanks for the useful suggestions.

Richard—Since the birds die, the girl’s fears are well-founded, not innocent or naïve, as you rightly point out. I jettisoned “innocent.” The expression “garbage bin” may well be an Americanism, going back to the term “garbage can” when they were most often made of metal. The British expression, “dustbin” might explain why in the UK a “bin” would suggest a trash receptacle. In the US, we have flour bins, laundry bins, diaper bins, and other uses for small containers.

David—I fixed S2L3 by dropping “of” instead of “the.” I had played with several alternatives to S2L7, and all of them required an anapest sub foot (unless I was willing to change “children” to “kids,” which would be an unforgivable break in tone.)

Hilary— I think the cosmic scale of S2 grows out of the move from specific to general in SlL8. As I noted in an earlier post, this contemplation of violence in contrasting large and small scales is, for me, the point of the poem. I’m glad you liked the ending.

I appreciate your time and generosity in helping me to work out this piece. Again, thanks, all.

Glenn

[Barbara Baig]

For the same reasons others have mentioned, I like this poem very much.(I'm responding to the most recent version.) I always enjoy story poems! I think one of the poem's strengths is its rhymes, so, though I understand why some suggest you should get rid of S2, I don't agree. I'd miss that shocks/equinox rhyme.

I also like the details and the build-up of the storm. And the ending has just the kind of punch I like a poem to have. Thanks very much.

Barbara