[Barbara Baig]

Background: This is the first time I've posted here in over ten years, so gently does it, please, folks. (I write in accentual meter.) Second-to-last line is meant to be indented, but the Sphere software doesn't agree.

I live in very rural Maine, in the U.S., and so does the character in the poem.

Thanks for any comments you'd care to make.--
Barbara

The Repairman v. 2 (now, thanks to Richard and Glenn, with last line removed)

He knew right off what was wrong
With the fridge. He only had to listen
To the sound it was making—not quite right—
And he could hear exactly which note was missing.

Tall and stooped, fingers nicotine-stained,
Work boots, chinos, faded blue shirt
Worn almost to thread from too many washings;
On the left a tag with his name: Bert.

“Been forty years on this here job”—
That’s what he said, a tool in his hand;
“Frigidaire, Westinghouse, you name it,
I’ve fixed it—any model, any brand.”

A sudden scrape of metal on metal
As his steady hands began the repair;
“Easy—easy there,” he said,
Like a farmer soothing a panicky mare.

He showed me the part—traces of rust—
He gazed at it and shook his head.
“These days most people don’t want to fix nothin’—
They’d rather buy somethin’ new instead—

“These older models were solid and strong,
Built to last, in the U.S. A.—
Now it’s all made cheap in friggin’ China”—
He stopped, like that was all he dared say,

Then stared outside at a line of spruce,
And sighed. And spoke: “Built me a place
Years ago at the lake, and when work’s done
I’m goin’ there for some breathin’ space.”

He dug out a ciggie with practiced fingers,
Exhaled smoke. “Soon enough now
I’ll be goin’ up there”— a crooked grin—
“If I live that long…”


Note to Glenn: Your rewrite of the last stanza is very good. However, I want to hold on to my own last line, so I removed "thin" from S1.


The Repairman (original version)

He knew right off what was wrong
With the fridge. He only had to listen
To the sound it was making—not quite right—
And he knew exactly which note was missing.

Thin and stooped, fingers nicotine-stained,
Work boots, chinos, faded blue shirt
Worn almost to thread from too many washings;
On the left a tag with his name: Bert.

“Bin forty years on this here job”—
That’s what he said, a tool in his hand;
“Frigidaire, Westinghouse, you name it,
I’ve fixed it—any model, any brand.”

A sudden scrape of metal on metal
As his hand unscrewed the faulty part;
“Easy—easy there,” he said,
Like a farmer soothing a panicky mare.

He showed me the part—undistinguished steel—
He gazed at it and shook his head.
“Most people these days don’t want to repair.
They’d rather buy something new instead—

“These older models were solid and strong,
Built to last, in the U.S. A.—
Now it’s all made cheap in friggin’ China”—
He stopped, like that was all he dared say,

Then stared outside at a line of spruce,
And sighed. And spoke: “Built me a place
Years ago at the lake, and when work’s done
I’m goin’ there for some breathin’ space.”

He dug out a ciggie with practiced fingers,
Exhaled smoke. “Soon enough now
I’ll be goin’ up there”— a crooked grin—
“If I live that long…”
His eyes were sky-blue. His face was thin.

[Jayne Osborn]

Barbara,
First of all, welcome back to posting on the Sphere again!

Your poem is lovely, and I can relate to this man -- my husband is an amazing "Mr. Fixit". I always say, "If Pete can't fix it, nobody can!" and he constantly proves me right.

But hey, apart from bigging-up my other half, I think you kicked this off really well; I love the juxtaposition of 'right' and 'wrong' in the first line.

I was disappointed with S4, which I'm sure you can vastly improve; "part" and "mare" are the only two mis-matched rhymes, and they stick out. Another "part" in quick succession in S5L1 rather sticks out too.

(I hope I've been gentle enough for you! They're not major nits, only minor ones.)

I love the ambiguity of "Soon enough now I'll be goin' up there - a crooked grin - If I live that long..."
He's referring to going up to his place at the lake when he retires... but he also seems to be hinting that he might just as easily die before that happens, and be on his way up there to heaven! ("His face was thin" being a slight clue, perhaps, that he's not too good, healthwise?)

Regarding the indentation, Barbara, it's easy to do. Just type any letters to occupy the blank space you want (I always do xxxxx) and then change the colour of those letters to white.

I hope all this helps. I look forward to seeing more of your poems!

Jayne

[Barbara Baig]

Thanks, Jayne, for your kind welcome! I have a guy like that in my life, too, thank goodness, since the only thing I can fix is a line of print.

Happy to hear your "nits," and will fix them as soon as I can.

Yes, you read my intention with the last line correctly.

Thanks, as well, for telling me how to create indented text. Much obliged.

Barbara

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Barbara—

I enjoyed this piece very much. You present a memorable and appealing portrait of the old repairman, inviting the reader to compare him with the solidly built but antiquated refrigerator he is working on. Like Jayne, I suspect, based on his thinness, stooped posture, smoking, and remark, “If I live that long. . .”, that he is in precarious health.

Using Down-East dialect is tricky. Unless you were going to go all the way: “Bin foahty yeahs on this heah job,” (which I do not recommend), you might use “Been” instead of “Bin” in S3L1.

A couple of quick fixes for Jayne’s nits:
1. In S4L2: “He unscrewed the faulty part with care;”(I don’t think you need to start with “As”)
2. In S5L1: Omit the redundant word “part.” “He showed me the undistinguished steel.” (How about “rust-encrusted” as a more visually specific replacement for “undistinguished?”)

The last line is a bit anti-climactic. You already told us in S2L1 that he is thin. Here is a possible rework of S8:
     He dug out a ciggie with practiced fingers.
     His sky-blue eyes fixed me. “Soon enough
     I’ll be goin’ up there.”—a crooked grin—
     “If I live that long. . .”—a long, gray puff.

BTW—Here’s a tip that Julie Steiner shared with me for indenting:
You can use a lower case L in square brackets to make a 5-space tab. This way, when you or someone else quotes your indented text, the “xxxxx” will not become visible.
If you go to the upper left corner of this screen, click “guidelines” and go to page 5, “Posting.” It explains this and some other typographical tricks that are very useful.

Glenn

[Barbara Baig]

Hi Glenn,
I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. And thanks so much for all your very helpful suggestions. You're certainly right about Down East dialect being tricky, and everything else you've suggested seems sensible and solid. (Naturally, that may not mean that I end up taking all your suggestions.)

I must print out these messages from you and Jayne and mull them over.

Thanks again (and for the formatting tip).

Barbara

[Marshall Begel]

Hi, Barbara

This is a cool story - relatable character, clear images. I can imagine him leaning against my own kitchen sink, giving me the exact same spiel.

As meter goes, so many lines are tetrameter (or nearly so) that it wouldn't take much to make it perfect.

He knew right off what thing went wrong
In fridges. He just had to listen
To sounds it's making—not quite right—
And he knew which note was missing.

or even smaller things, like using Amana instead of Frigidaire.


If you like the meter, it's fine just as it is. I enjoyed reading it!

[Barbara Baig]

Thanks very much, Marshall, for letting me know you enjoyed the poem, and for your suggestions, both much appreciated.--Barbara

[Susan McLean]

Barbara, I notice that your rhymes are usually in L2 and L4. What about changing the last line to something like "His face was thin, his eyes sky-blue" to get a slant rhyme with "now" and also an internal rhyme of "grin/thin"?

Susan

[Barbara Baig]

Thanks, Susan. I'll give that a try.--Barbara

[Richard G]

Hi Barbara,
I enjoyed the portrait and the ending satisfied, though I'm not sure you need the final line. (To me that read like you were repeating a description from earlier in the poem.)
I thought the opening a tad flat (the two 'rights' and 'knews' didn't help) and wondered if you might consider beginning with S3 (then S2, then S1 - though 'fridge' might need to be revisited?)
Also, is there any way to give some indicaton of the sound it made as 'not quite right' didn't satisfy this reader?

RG.

PS. Did he fix it?