[Paula Fernandez]

REVISION 2--Pentameter this time (I think)

Nature Takes her Bow

Come see Nature tamed in Chicago’s north ‘burbs--
diverse species of trees queue up by the curbs,
vibrant blooms rest in mulch beds fluffed and rounded,
our manicured lawns by iron fences are bounded.
We’ve pruned the kingly oak’s shimmering crown
to pass electric lines to light the town.
Nature here has been completely overthrown:
her generals chained, her ground troops one-inch mown.

But wait! What’s this? A dandelion clock--
its fluffy head turned like a lollipop.
Now down the street that rascal Katie goes.
She plucks the clock with feral smile and blows!
Like that, her ambush by this wild child sprung,
Nature sticks out her wicked yellow tongue.


REVISION 1.1

Northshore Warzone

Come breathe the peace in Chicago’s suburbs
where birch, ash, and elm queue up next the curbs.
Our blooms rest in mulch beds fluffed and rounded,
our manicured lawns by fences are bounded.
We’ve pruned the kingly oak’s shimmering crown
to pass electric lines to light the town.
Nature here is completely overthrown:
her generals chained, her ground troops one-inch mown.

But wait! What’s this? A dandelion clock--
its fluffy head turned like a lollipop.
Now down the street that rascal Katie goes.
She plucks the clock with feral smile and blows!
Like that, her ambush by this wild child sprung,
Nature sticks out her wicked yellow tongue.



ORIGINAL VERSION

How tidy! How clean! This wealthy suburb--
birch, ash, and elm aligned along the curb--
our trees tucked in mulch beds fluffed and rounded,
next to manicured lawns by fences surrounded.
We’ve pruned the kingly oak’s shimmering crown
to pass electric lines to light the town.
Nature, here, is completely overthrown--
her generals chained; her ground troops one-inch mown.

But wait! What’s this? A dandelion clock--
its fluffy head turned like a lollipop.
Now down the street our neighbor, lil’ Katie, goes.
She plucks that clock with feral smile and blows!
Like that, her ambush by this wild child sprung,
Nature sticks out her wicked yellow tongue.

[Yves S L]

Paula,

As an exercise, it might be useful to write a sonnet with no inversions and therefore no escape hatches.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Paula—

I like your central trope of the homeowners’ association doing battle with the armed forces of nature. I’m having some trouble, however, scanning a few of the lines or visualizing the images. Here are the problem lines and some suggested fixes:

Line 1: No matter how I read it, I only get four stresses. How about
How tidy! How clean! This wealthy subdivision—

Line 4: In modern usage “next” is used with “to” rather than by itself as a preposition. Maybe
next to manicured lawns by fences surrounded. or maybe
by manicured lawns with fences surrounded
Carl will almost certainly ding you for the inversion, but I’m OK with it.

Line 11: I can force this into IP, but “lil Katie” sounds more like a rapper than a cute little girl. How about
Now down the street our tomboy, Katie, goes

Line 14: if she’s blowing on the dandelion clock, it would be grayish-white, not yellow.

I enjoyed the gently subversive humor and heartwarming images of the child. Nice work!

Glenn

[Roger Slater]

I like this. A bit old fashioned, but the inversions seem to fit the intended tone rather than to be a sign of lazy writing. I'd omit the adjective before Katie's name. Let her just be Katie. We soon enough learn in the couplet that she is a child.

[Carl Copeland]

I enjoyed this too, Paula. A few thoughts:

How tidy! How clean! This wealthy suburb—

Like Glenn, I get tet here; if that’s intentional, fine. The sentence starting with “This wealthy suburb …” is a long fragment, and that’s fine too if it’s what you want. Also, “tidy” and “clean” are nearly synonyms. You could fix all that if you wanted—and tone down the exclamations—with something like this:

How orderly, how clean this wealthy suburb!—

I’m not a fan of “wrenched rhymes” like suburb/curb, but this one didn’t bother me for some reason. Maybe I’m finally loosening up.

next to manicured lawns by fences surrounded.

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

Carl will almost certainly ding you for the inversion, but I’m OK with it.

I’ve gotten dinged for inversions more than once myself, so I’m just dinging back! This one actually did irk me a bit, but I found the others more amusing than anything else, so Roger has a point. I suppose you could try a jocular slant rhyme like “with fences round ’em,” but that’s a stretch too.

Nature, here, is completely overthrown--
her generals chained; her ground troops one-inch mown.

The commas around “here” give it weight and break the flow, so I’d lose them. I’d also change the semicolon in the next line to a comma, but be aware that semicolons are another thing I’m rigid and prescriptive about. I like “one-inch mown.”

[EDIT: I took issue here with "dandelion clock," which I don’t think I've ever heard. Glenn discreetly set me straight.]

Like Glenn and Roger, I think “lil” should go.

[Yves S L]

Just to clarify, I am not applying a context independent rule that says "inversions are bad, don't do inversions", but I am not convinced by the sentence structure in this particular 14 liner. I might flick through some Norton anthologies, but I cannot remember any time period that has to work so hard to get the rhyme at the end of the line inside a sonnet. By the way, I am pegging this as 1950-60s vintage, going back further starts to become anachronistic in a way that doesn't really work for me. Wait, maybe 1920s? I have will have to go read some poems to be sure. It sounds old, but it shouldn't sound that old.

[Paula Fernandez]

Glenn, Roger, and Carl-- Thank you all so much for pointing out my meter problems and supplying ideas to fix them. I've retooled the first four lines completely to try and move toward a more rhythmic sound. I've made Katie a "rascal" which I think implies her youth and fixes the meter. And I've removed the questionable poetic inversion, though now I have a passive voice that may also offend. Does it work better now?

Carl--I'm surprised to learn that the term "dandelion clock" may not be universally known! Meanwhile, you've taught me another new term today--the "wrenched rhyme".

Glenn--nature's tongue is yellow because the blowing of the clock will produce a vast carpet of yellow dandelion flowers--the bane of all the local gardeners hereabouts.

Yves--I had actually hoped that the frivolous content of this sonnet would strike a contrast with the loftiness of the sonnet form producing another layer of light humor. It's alright that it doesn't work for you--I have more! Meanwhile, I do take to heart that I should immerse myself in some more modern poetry if I want my work to sound fresh to modern ears. I appreciate your feedback.

[Yves S L]

Paula, this is not about modern poetry! As I said, I don't remember reading a sonnet of any time period that has to continually use one trick to get the rhyme at the end of the line. How often does even Shakespeare do it? I did not say I did not like the poem, I just said that I was not convinced by its control of syntax: rhyming is mostly about control of syntax.

[Jim Moonan]

.
I can't think of any plant more maligned than the lowly, lovely dandelion. Though it has its admirers, they are far outnumbered by those determined to ambush it every year with battalions of weapons aimed to obliterate it. It is a miraculous piece of nature with a divine life cycle.

I wish it weren't a sonnet. I see no reason for it to be. I can feel your voice trying to squeeze into a form that requires a scheme and a meter that just doesn't fit, imo. Maybe dandelions are more suited to another form? I could see it as a visual poem...

.

[John Riley]

My question, slight hang-up, although it may shouldn’t be, is I’m not sure what the poem is having fun with. I know that may be a strength but I wonder. (First, why “Come breath” and not “Come breathe”?) Is it an early Blake with some exuberance and that light touch of mortality at the end? Or is it unabashed 21st-century Wordsworth with no cynicism intended? I like the music.

Syntax is more rhythm than rhyme. You learn that fast when you don’t have a received form for support. I would consider using a couple of commas at line endings instead of periods. The end of L3 for example, and lose the dash on L7. I’m not totally convinced by the dashes in this one. Removing the em dash at the end of S2L1 and replacing it with a comma would give the sentence a loop that I think is needed, or at least preferred.

Do you have to set “Katie” inside commas? Radical me may go with

Now down the street that rascal Katie goes
And plucks the clock . . .

I think that may be criminal to you but a fun poem like this needs a bit more flow IMO.

I like the bounce and the sly bite.

My half-penny.