[Glenn Wright]

Election Night Dream


Along the midway, we can see
the roller coaster’s loop-the-loops.
The ride’s sign says “Democracy.”
We line our children up in groups

and put them in the waiting cars,
then drop the bars that lock them in.
As they climb upward toward the stars,
the rumbling tremors soon begin.

Sixty times we came to trust
our futures would be safe and sure.
The carnival, despite the rust,
was strong and proud, and would endure.

Now rivets pop, the rails detach,
the wooden trusses warp and crack.
Dragon fangs and bear claws scratch.
The trolleys well may jump the track.
——————————
Edits:
S3 and S4 swap position.
S3L1: Sixty times we trusted that > Sixty times we came to trust
S3L2: the carnival was safe, secure, > our futures would be safe and sure.
S3L3: that those who ran the show and sat > The carnival, despite the rust,
S3L4: in power were good; their motives, pure. > was strong and proud, and would endure.
S4L1: The rivets pop, > Now rivets pop,
S4L4: may well > well may

[Joe Crocker]

This reads nicely tickety-boo. But it feels like you bit it off before you got to the end. Did you run out ideas for a more satisfying conclusion?

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Joe—

Since it was a dream, I suppose the N. woke up before finding out what happened to the children. (Kind of like us waiting to find out what will happen to the future of the U.S. after Trump is inaugurated on Jan. 20.) The first draft had nine quatrains, but I threw out the first five.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Glenn

[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

You might consider starting S3 with "Now rivets pop ..." and swapping it with S4. I think the roller-coaster starting to fall apart makes for a more dramatic close, and the current S4 would set that up that close, build the tension.

best,

Matt

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Matt—

Good idea! I think that also addresses the problem that Joe identified.

Glenn

[Hilary Biehl]

I'm not convinced that this is a dream. It's much more coherent and much less strange than my dreams, at any rate. Perhaps another title might work better?

Agree about swapping the last two stanzas.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Hilary—

I had a lot more surrealistic elements in the first few stanzas of the first draft (like a carnival barker who morphs into Donald Trump and who gets into a boxing match with Kamala Harris, who explodes into a flock of doves), but I cut them out. Trust me. It was the right decision.

I like the acronym of the title. I suppose I could go with “Election Night Disaster,” but that gives away the ending.

Thanks for weighing in!

Glenn

[Joe Crocker]

A neat and effective suggestion by Matt. It works much better now.

[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

Just coming back to say that the end-rhyme at S3L1 seems weak. "that" is a minor word that doesn't seem to gain anything from the emphasis of the enjambment and rhyme. What if you made the line, "For sixty years we placed our trust", and rhymed "trust" with "just" (as in morally upright)?

I don't think "dream" has to be a literal sleeping dream. It could be more of a daydream. So, I don't mind the poem being coherent. Though if you want to change the title, maybe you could do something with "ride"? "Election Night Ride"? Though what I like about "dream" is it suggests the N is constructing this. It shows his fears, but it may (hopefully) be fantasy. He's not saying: democracy will definitely end with Trump, but he's definitely very worried about the possibility.

Best,

Matt

[Hilary Biehl]

What about just "Election Night"?