[Jim Moonan]

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Clearing (99 words, no edits)

Arriving here in the clearing, I’m in the midst of realizing that I’ve spent much of my life overlooking things that return again and again to be recognized and understood for the first time. My mind has lived in thrall for so many years and is now beginning to animate once again, to thaw back to life. Have I really been so distracted, so rushed, so preoccupied, so thoughtless as to have not seen? The only parties I go to these days are birthday parties. I go mostly for the cake. And for the singing. I never stay long.

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[Matt Q]

Hi Jim,

I reckon this might work better with more images, and maybe a clearer thematic connection of its elements.

As it stands it's fairly heavy on abstraction. In terms of images, there's a clearing. Birthday parties. Cake. And singing. So I'd maybe be looking to find a little more concrete imagery. Maybe there's a way to find specific examples to suggest the generalities that the piece currently offers?

In terms of motifs, there's the clearing suggests woods or forest, thraldom, which doesn't seem much connected with clearings/woodland, and the neither of two seem have much to do with the parties, cake and singing, those these last three are clearly connected.

Obviously things don't always have to connect, but it may be worth trying. For example, you could run with the clearing. So presumably there are trees, plant life, undergrowth animals. Maybe you could work with those? Or forget the clearing, and go with cakes and parties? What does thraldom look like in the context? What's the party/cake/singing equivalent of a clearing?

Best,

Matt

[John Riley]

Jim, I like the idea here but agree with Matt about the abstraction. Tying it into some thing is always the challenge but it's necessary, imo. You may not need to do it in an essay or memoir but in a poem or story, I think it's necessary.

It is probably too obvious but what if the narrator notices something he always looked over before? Or something happens that wakes him up to the world around him? Think William Carlos Williams. So much does depend on what is seen.

I'm pontificating. I do think you're on the edge of this being memorable.

Hope this helps.