[Carl Copeland]

The sense—a hot cry at first light—
of a fiery wavefront impending
set roosters aflutter, soon rending
the moon-flaxen shroud of the night.
A canopy—clouds all in crimson—
adorns the dawn’s cradle of flame.
See the face of the God newly risen
appear—not to you, though, this time.
Your soul, kin to birds on their way
to lark in the blue, is unfolding
its sleep-heavy wings and extolling
the golden rebirth of the day.


Crib

With a hot cry, sensing amid sleep
that a fiery wave is approaching,
the roosters roused themselves/ruffled their feathers, tearing off
the night’s shroud of moon flax.
The clouds are like a crimson canopy,
and the dawn is a cradle of fire.
Look—the face of the resurrected God
will come forth, only not now to you.
And your soul, kin to birds,
will spread its benumbed wings
and, fluttering in the blue, glorify
the golden birth of the day.


Original

Жарким криком почуяв средь сна,
Что подходит волна огневая,
Петухи встрепенулись, срывая
Саван ночи из лунного льна.
Облака — словно полог пунцовый,
А заря — из огня колыбель.
Глянь, — воскресшего Бога лицо
Выйдет разве сейчас не к тебе.
И душа твоя, птицам родня,
Онемевшие крылья расправит
И, в лазури плескаясь, прославит
Золотое рождение дня.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Carl—

The first eight lines are a very straightforward, imagist presentation of dawn. The apostrophe starting in L9 gives a devotional flavor to the piece. I’m curious about Zenkevich’s religious convictions. Presumably the person whom the N addresses cannot experience the dawn because he or she has died, but the ending is very hopeful and implies belief in resurrection.

I wondered about плескаясь in L11. I thought this word usually meant “splashing” and implied water. “Larking” is an interesting and vivid choice.

It appears that you rendered the mostly iambic tetrameter of the Russian original as anapestic trimeter. This struck me as an excellent decision. The sprightly rhythm of your translation is perfectly in keeping with the swelling, hopeful tone of the ending. You also kept the precise ABBA rhyme in lines 1-4 and 9-12, using slantier rhymes in the middle section. Skillfully done.

I found images of night/moon, day/sun, and red that occur regularly in the other poems by Zenkevich you have translated, but the associations of these images seem different. In his other poems, night/moon images suggest creativity and freedom, day/sun images are oppressive and mundane, and red is associated with female sexuality. This poem uses more conventional, less idiosyncratic associations for these images.

Very enjoyable. fine job!

Glenn

[Matt Q]

Hi Carl,

Another interesting poem from Zenkevitch. I think you have a strong first draft, and I like the choice of metre.

So here's how I read the poem/crib: The sun is about to rise, the cocks, sensing the impending dawn in their sleep, wake to crow. The sun/god, reborn, shows its face. But not to the "you", though, not this time. The "you" won't see the sun today. Which has me thinking the "you" is dead. S3 strengthens this reading, since the soul will spread it benumbed wings and flutter in the blue sky. So I read this as the soul leaving it's body with the coming of day.

The sense—a hot cry at first light—
of a fiery wavefront impending
set roosters aflutter, soon rending
the moon-flaxen shroud of the night.

The translation and the crib seem to be saying different things here. In the crib, the sense of the wave coming is the reason the roosters give the hot cry as they're roused. Whereas here, it seems that this sense of impending dawn is a hot cry at first light. Which leads to something of an (ahem!) chicken and egg problem, I think. If they crow because they have a sense of impending dawn, how can their crowing be a sense of an impending dawn?

L2 I wonder if "wave now impending" might be more natural sounding. I guess if the coming light is a wave, then the first slightest lightening of the sky is the wavefront. But is one concerned with (warning about, heralding) that first slight lightening, or the whole wave, the whole dawn, and the appearance of the sun itself? And the translation seems to say that it's already first light, in which case the wavefront is already here, and no longer impending.

A canopy—clouds all in crimson—
adorns the dawn’s cradle of flame.
See the face of the God newly risen
appear—not to you, though, this time.

L3, "the" doesn't seem right. It's God, surely, who is the newly risen, not "the God", or else it's "the god", no? If it's a sun-god and not the Christian god, then "god" would be right.

Also, I'd prefer the crib's, "Look—", I think. "See" seems a little odd if the addressee can't actually see this (being dead) -- assuming that's what it means that the sun doesn't appear to the "you". Whereas "Look--" can be read in a less-literal way, as "heed the following" or "pay attention". The sun will appear, but you (or your body) won't see it.

L4, I'd keep the original's tense with "will appear".

In the original, the "you" seems to be being addressed before sunrise, and told what will happen when the sun appears. That the "you"s soul with flutter away. This seems to make more sense than to tell the "you" what is happening while its happening. Once the soul is off fluttering, the "you" doesn't need be told this is happening, I think. And, depending on your metaphysics, there's potentially little point addressing the body once the soul has already left.

The commas/caesurae here seem to work against metre, somewhat. I can get it to work, though, once I've worked out how, but for me, it doesn't come naturally.

Your soul, kin to birds on their way
to lark in the blue, is unfolding
its sleep-heavy wings and extolling
the golden rebirth of the day.


I like the play on "lark" here. I reckon you can keep the original's tense and still rhyme well enough with "will enfold" and "extoll".

I don't know that the soul is kin to birds that are heading off to play in the sky. More that it's kin to a bird, and as such, it can fly, it has that capacity, but, like birds, it can also sleep, huddle on the ground, freeze etc. That's my sense of it. There might be a small tweak here to keep the crib's "kin to birds" separate. Maybe be something like, but better than:

Your soul, kin to birds, will soon play
like a lark in the blue, will unfold
its sleep-heavy wings and extoll
the golden rebirth of the day.

or

Your soul, kin to birds, will leave earth
to lark in the blue, will unfold
its sleep-heavy wings and extoll
the day's new golden rebirth.

L3, does "sleep-heavy" work for "benumbed"? Maybe, I guess. But has the soul been asleep? Do souls even sleep? I'd assumed the soul's wings were numb from disuse during life and/or from being cramped inside the body for so long. Alternatively, numbed by the death/dying of the body. Anyway, maybe "long-benumbed wings" or "now/still benumbed wings" are options?

best,

Matt

[Carl Copeland]

Thanks, Glenn and Matt! The thorniest issue here is who the addressee is and why he/she won’t see the sun. I contacted an expert about this when I was doing the translation a few months ago, and now I’m beginning to wonder if I even understood her answer, let alone the poem. So before I respond to your helpful comments, I’m going to write her for clarification. Bear with me …

[Matt Q]

Interestingly, Google Translate gives:

Look, the face of the resurrected God will come out now to you.

Whereas DeepL gives

Look, the face of the risen God is not now coming out to thee.

I guess I'll be switching translation programs.

DeepL's translation is archaic throughout. Is the original Russian archaic-sounding? I'd be interested to know.

[Carl Copeland]

No, nothing particularly archaic about it. I wonder if DeepL would translate “Je t’aime” as “I love thee.” As for whether God’s face will or won’t appear to the addressee, there is a negative particle in the Russian—“ne,” same as in French—but I keep thinking there may be some way of understanding it positively, so I’ll reserve judgment for the moment. Stay tuned.

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

No, nothing particularly archaic about it. I wonder if DeepL would translate “Je t’aime” as “I love thee.”

I wondered if archaic was the default, but it doesn't seem to be. I tried it on some Gottfried Benn, and got modern English out.

As for whether God’s face will or won’t appear to the addressee, there is a negative particle in the Russian—“ne,” same as in French—but I keep thinking there may be some way of understanding it positively, so I’ll reserve judgment for the moment. Stay tuned.

On that note, Yandex (which is after all Russian) gives:

Look, isn't the face of the resurrected God coming to you now?

And Immersive Translate gives "Look, the face of the risen God / won't it come to you now?"

[Matt Q]

[duplicate post]

[Carl Copeland]

Thanks for the research, Matt. I have an erudite Russian friend who insists that the negative should be pretty much as I translated it, but I’m still investigating.

[Carl Copeland]

Ok, I still haven’t written to my expert, but I guess I can respond to comments that aren’t touched by that issue.

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

I’m curious about Zenkevich’s religious convictions.

I’ve seen no direct evidence that Zenkevich was religious, but such evidence would have been a liability after 1917, so you never know. As I mentioned before, he wrote a few poems about prehistoric humans and animals that the Orthodox Church would likely have regarded as unbiblical.

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

I wondered about плескаясь in L11. I thought this word usually meant “splashing” and implied water. “Larking” is an interesting and vivid choice.

“Splashing” would be literal, but I didn’t like “splash in the sky,” so I improvised.

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

It appears that you rendered the mostly iambic tetrameter of the Russian original as anapestic trimeter. This struck me as an excellent decision. The sprightly rhythm of your translation is perfectly in keeping with the swelling, hopeful tone of the ending.

I was actually just imitating what I took to be regular anapestic trimeter (allowing myself the variation of headless lines). Now that I think about it, though, that involves quite a few demotions in the Russian, which I’d been led to believe were virtually verboten. Most could be explained away by calling them cretics, but I have no idea what a Russian versifier would do with this.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

The translation and the crib seem to be saying different things here. In the crib, the sense of the wave coming is the reason the roosters give the hot cry as they're roused. Whereas here, it seems that this sense of impending dawn is a hot cry at first light. Which leads to something of an (ahem!) chicken and egg problem, I think. If they crow because they have a sense of impending dawn, how can their crowing be a sense of an impending dawn?

My crib may not be literal enough. In Russian the sleeping roosters sense the fiery wave “by means of” a hot cry (instrumental case with no preposition). Not only that, they’re doing it “amid sleep,” so they seem to wake themselves up with their own cry! Logically, of course, I understand the sequence of events as you do, but I think I want to preserve the chicken-and-egg oddness that seems to be there in the original.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I guess if the coming light is a wave, then the first slightest lightening of the sky is the wavefront. But is one concerned with (warning about, heralding) that first slight lightening, or the whole wave, the whole dawn, and the appearance of the sun itself? And the translation seems to say that it's already first light, in which case the wavefront is already here, and no longer impending.

Ok, that’s interesting. You read “wavefront” as “the first slightest lightening,” while to me it implied the front of a large, powerful wave. Not sure why. And how the roosters sensed its coming is a question I don’t think I ever asked myself. Was it their internal clock or a faint glow preceding the main wave? As with the previous issue, I’m not determined to make this perfectly logical, and my sense is that the poet wasn’t either.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

L3, "the" doesn't seem right. It's God, surely, who is the newly risen, not "the God", or else it's "the god", no? If it's a sun-god and not the Christian god, then "god" would be right.

Point well taken. I’d prefer not to choose between paganism and Christianity, but I may have to.