[David Callin]

At the Abbey entrance,
normally card only
according to the signs,
they are asking for cash.
Their Internet has been down
all week, with little prospect
of early resolution,
no matter how often they call.

Isn't that always the way
with those great providers
who offer you the earth:
vast, impersonal
and utterly unhelpful,
hopefully not like Himself.

[Carl Copeland]

Can’t sympathize with you here, David. I’ve been waiting for the day when I go to check out, and they say, “Sorry, we don’t accept cash.” Or worse, when there’s no checkout staff to say anything. I don’t have long to wait, but until then, I’ll be damned if I’ll pay for a loaf of bread with a card. Great last line, though.

[John Riley]

David, I almost consistently like your poems but this one falls a little flat for me. It lacks most of your usual wit and charm and doesn’t quite escape a complaint. The internet being down and the inconvenience of not being able to use your card is a fairly common happening, and while I note the attempt to parallel that with god notion I don’t think it rises far enough from a grumble to have that work.

Maybe I’m ignorant of something specific about the abbey that would alter that?

I bet others will think differently. I wanted to give my honest read and am willing to see it differently. I’ll come back if I have suggestions but your poems are so your style I doubt they’d be helpful.

[Deborah J. Shore]

Hi, David,

This strikes me as trying a tad too hard with the grand gestures/connections. And piling in the explanations gets prosaic to boot. I think that connecting the conceit both to the temptations of Christ as well as to the human relationship to God is part of why it doesn't hold for me. Additionally, I would generally find it hard to jump from the convenience of credit cards directly to the temptations of earthly power. It might work better just focusing on God, and here is my quick slash and paste example of how that might look.

Also, I might make the first line the title just to trim, to universalize (it will still be clear it is a specific abbey), etc.

Originally Posted by David Callin

At the Abbey entrance,
normally card only
according to the signs,
they are asking for cash.
Their Internet has been down
all week, with little prospect
of early resolution,
no matter how often they call.

Isn't that always the way
with those great providers,
who offer you the earth:
vast, impersonal,
and utterly unhelpful,
hopefully not like Himself.
hopefully unlike God.

Good to read you,
Deborah