[Richard G]

Rewilding


'Twas siling it down, on village and town,................................................. .(1)
when Thackerey clattered the door.
A miserable night, the Buzzard was quiet,
as punters we only had four.

The clock on the wall beginning to toll:,................................................. ....(2)
the hour, it claimed, eleven.
Of course it was wrong, the mainspring's gone,
I'd five and twenty to seven.

He slumped at the bar there as if he'd come far,.......................................(3)
and gasped like a man nearly drowned.
The bugger looked faint, I pulled him a pint.
He downed it with barely a sound.

"Another." He pleaded. I poured. He proceeded,.......................................(4)
to drain it on one ragged breath,
and then, the glass empty, shuddering said to me,
"'Appen I met my own death."

Well, that was a moment inviting of comment,,........................................(5)
but nobody here said a word;
though Helen she perked up and Tom shut his lap-top,
Edna and Jack they looked bored.

The onus on me then. The lot of a barman.,.............................................(6)
I let a long minute go by
– muted the wide-screen, wiped a (clean) stein clean –
Bill heaved a dark Porter sigh.

"Alright," I said. "Fella, come, tell us thy tale.",......................................(7)
And tossed him a towel for his head.
He mopped off the rain and then, voice strained,
this is what Thackerey said:

"I's hurryin' home, the trod by the rood-stone,,......................................(8)
graveyard a short-cut, tha knows.
I hadn't been mindin' the talk of rewildin'
and there is the rub, I suppose.

For out of the drear a beast did appear,................................................(9)
wi' coat that were black as a pit;
the eyes, furnace red, they burned in its head,
the muzzle a slobber of spit.

It slouched through the gloom agin Nan Widdop's tomb,.......................(10)
her cherubs it raked wi' its claws.
I felt somethin' go, like the Waters of Woe,
it never does rain but it pours.

I might have thought beaver, or marten, or sea bird,.............................(11)
but this, I would never have guessed:
That here, on the Wolds, the folks would be bold
and bring back a chuffin' Barghest."

*

"We 'olding a lyke-wake?" Nell came to break,.......................................(12)
the silence that Thackerey left.
She motioned to me, another cream sherry,
"Billy, my duck, you sound daft."

It took him a minute, returning to planet,..............................................(13)
Earth from where'er he had gone,
but, he looked the stronger and quavered no longer
as turning to her he went on:

"The beast took a step. And I took one back.,.........................................(14)
But, what lay between us decreased.
My heart racin' fast, 'twere frit, fit to burst;
I felt like the roast at a feast.

Then, 'round the church tower, cometh the hour,,.................................(15)
cometh that Biddy the Slayer;
out huntin' werewolves, her and her two pals.
Odd what does answer a prayer.

Now, I cannot fathom just why the beast let 'em,.................................(16)
chase it away like it did.
I wouldn't imagine that they had a weapon
could batter so much as an eyelid.

But they saw it off. It ran past the cross,.............................................(17)
and into yon spinney it fled.
And though it were gone I knew I were done.
I sit here the walkin' dead."

*

That Biddy the Slayer her name's a misnomer,..................................(18)
she collared Old Stinker last June.
And now we can track him there's few that's attacked
when monthly he howls at the moon.

*

It wasn't a joke. Bill Thackerey croaked.,...........................................(19)
A week to the day from that night
his body were found near the Iron Age mound
a mark on his breast like a bite.

'Of course it's the Barghest.' That's what the tourists,.......................(20)
who flock to the Buzzard declare.
But that is as maybe. And, I couldn't say, me,
it's t'old ways we 'old t' round 'ere.

*

The Riding is flowering thanks to Rewilding.,....................................(21)
Dreams, though, they come with their prices.
'You get nowt for free.' So says Widow T.
'We all have to make sacrifices.'





____________________

Various punctuation corrections (per Barbara and Matt.)
Left align and stanza numbers added.

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Richard,
Welcome to Eratosphere, and your first poem. (Yes, it's a bit nerve-wracking, isn't it! I remember that feeling.)

I enjoyed reading this pleasantly-told rollicking yarn. I think some of our US and other non-Brit friends might not understand some of the "oop north" dialect, and even though I do, I must admit that "siling it down" is a phrase I've never come across before. Before Googling it (and Barghest) I guessed it meant heavy rainfall. Being a Midlander I'm not totally clued up on Yorkshire-isms.

The metre is right for this kind of light-hearted poem, and I like the internal rhymes, though here and there I think both could be tidied up a bit. For instance, bored and word aren't a perfect match, but how about something along these lines, perhaps...

though Helen she perked up and Tom shut his lap-top,
but Sue turned to Jack, "That's absurd."

...especially as Nell, a bit later on, says he's being daft. (Edna is too syllabic for my suggestion, but it could be an old-fashioned name like Maude, Pearl, Joyce, Flo, or something, rather than Sue.)

I'm not sure about the final stanza, Richard. I don't quite get it, and was hoping for a more punchy/spooky ending. It wasn't instantly obvious that Widow T is Mrs Thackery (that's probably just me being dim!).

I can imagine you reading this in a pub, and everyone loving it. Here, of course, it's up for critique - a different environment entirely - though still enjoyed.

I hope some of this helps.

Jayne

[Max Goodman]

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

I can imagine you reading this in a pub, and everyone loving it.

I'm glad Jayne got here first. I suspected there might be some context I was missing. As a poem for a reader on the page, this doesn't connect with me, but I'm now assuming that's not what the poem wants to be, so I'll stick to what might help the poem as pub entertainment:

I generally feel that heavily rhymed poems benefit from virtuosic precise rhyming, but some of the slant rhyming here adds fun for me: empty/said to me.

Elsewhere, the rhyming falls flat; these places feel like missed opportunities: night/quiet, perked up/lap-top, fella/tale, step/back, werewolves/pals, Slayer/misnomer.

I think a performance poem wants to end with a bang, and Widow T. feels as though she exists only for the rhyme. If she were familiar to us by the time she appeared at the end, her appearance there would feel less gratuitous. Ending on prices/sacrifices might work, read aloud, since the reader can mis-stress the last word, but a rhyme that doesn't need to be mis-stressed might hit listeners more strongly.

FWIW.

[Barbara Baig]

Hi Richard,
I enjoyed this very much. Here's my experience of reading (listening to) the poem:

S 1: My books of border ballads often provide notes that translate dialect into English for the convenience of the reader. Of course, I could Google unfamiliar words, but I dislike being drawn out of the world of the poem. So perhaps you could add some notes before the poem, so those of us not in the UK would immediately know, for example, what "siling it down" means. (Enjoyed the sound, even if I didn't know the meaning.)

"Thackeray clattered"--I like those "K" sounds and the effective choice of the word "clattered." (Is that dialect?)

S2:I understood this stanza, but I wasn't sure why it was there. I was willing to wait and see.

S3:Now I'm interested, and curious about the man. "there" in the first line got in my way. The word "Slumped" stood out for me.

S4: I like the short sentences and then the long sentence extending into the next line. "Ragged breath" pleased me--perhaps a comma after breath, for the compound sentence?-- but I kept getting stuck over the rhythm of "shuddering. " (Could just be me. Could you explain how you hear that line, please?)

"Appen I met my own death." What a great line! Definitely made me want to hear more.

S5: I think some punctuation would make this clearer: Perhaps (depending on your intention) a comma after the first line (for the compound sentence) and a semi-colon after the second line, so we know that the third line goes with the fourth one and not with the second one. I got a bit confused there.

S6 This one made me laugh. "The lot of a barman," indeed!

S7: "thy" threw me off a bit. Is it contemporary dialect (that would go with the other language in the poem) or a "balladism" ? If the latter, I'd change it.

S8: I'm in the story now.

S9:"the muzzle a slobber of spit" + "slouched" in the next line: I enjoyed these sounds.

S10: I think you need some punctuation after "tomb." I don't know what "Waters of Woe " means, and so I didn't understand the last two lines.

S11:This made me chuckle. Perhaps, after "guessed," a colon or dash?

S12+13: I wasn't sure why you interrupted the story here.

S14-18. Good: more story. Liked the last line.

S19: I'm not sure why this information is here.

S 20: This all makes sense and seems like a satisfying conclusion.

S21-22: However, I now see there's another point you want to make. Not quite sure I understand it, though, partly because of the bartender's comment, which I don't get. "It's the old ways we hold to?--how are these different from what the tourists are saying? And, in any case, he heard the story, so what's he objecting to?

S23: I'm guessing that the woman here is Thackeray's wife, and that this is her comment on her loss. I think I got the idea, but it didn't hit me with the force I wanted the ending of a story to have. Perhaps (just brainstorming) if
I had known earlier that she and Bill were devoted to each other…? Or (another random thought) if we were shown something happening between them during the time between Bill's telling his story and his death…?

In general I enjoyed the rhymes; any flaws there didn't interfere with my enjoyment of the poem.

I strongly encourage you to imagine your readers/pub audience and how they might experience each stanza as written. Then ask yourself if that's the effect you want in that particular place.

I don't expect you to answer all my questions! They are simply the questions that came to me as I read, and I included them as part of my experience. Naturally, others will likely have different experiences/questions.

I hope these responses are helpful to you.

Glad to find another person here interested in narrative!
Barbara

[Joe Crocker]

Hello Richard. Well that was fun. As others have said I can see it being performed in a pub or as a party piece. Lots of clever rhymes, and internal rhymes too that keep it bouncing along.

I think you have some good crits and suggestion form other commentators, so I won’t say much about the technical side.

Just to say that it reminded me of the first part of American Werewolf in London, including a pub on the North York Moors. I currently live in the Yorkshire wolds which is a pretty place with gently rolling chalk hills. You mention them in the poem but they are not the kind of place you’d expect to find a barghest. Troller’s Gill in the Yorkshire Dales is the one place I know (very well) that the Barghest is said to inhabit. But geographical precision may not be your first priority here.

I also like the reference to the spooky Lyke-Wake walk, a supposed coffin route across the moors. As it happens, I was involved in a song cycle celebrated this summer concerning the Lyke Wake walk.

And I laughed at the Yorkshire version of Buffy (Biddy!) the vampire slayer.

Not entirely sure why you chose to centre justify the text.

But all very enjoyable.

Joe

[Matt Q]

Hi Richard,

As others have said, this is an enjoyable story, and there are a lot of fun moments. It's also a poem that likely works better as spoken-word piece. On the page, I found it took a bit more effort to get through than I'd have liked.

Part of the effort I had in reading this may be down to the layout. Centred text is more work to read, at least for me. The lack of clear margin makes it harder on the eye, which has more work to do finding the line beginnings. You might try left-justifying the text, you can always add a fixed indent to the even-numbered lines if prefer.

The other part of it, I think, is because the poem takes it time to get where it's going, and so asks a greater indulgence the part of a someone who isn't being read to. For example, there's a whole stanza devoted to the clock on the wall being wrong. The joke, I think, being that it's mid-evening and not later, and so a less scary time, is maybe not enough of a reward for an entire stanza. If you're thinking of it this being on the page, there's definitely scope for making this shorter. I tried cutting all the stanzas in the long first section that didn't tell directly impact on Thackery's tale (S2, 5, 6, and 7) and found the poem, now all-action, more engaging.

As others have also said, some of the rhymes maybe get too loose in places, e.g., rhyming "step" with "back", "night" with "quiet", and couple of places, mentioned below, where the rhyme is with an off-beat syllable.

I don't know that that breaking the poem into so many sections is adding much. I'd maybe just have two sections. The long first section, plus a section that combines all that currently follows. The main story, and then what happens after.

The appearance of widow T didn't trouble me as it seems to have others. And I really liked the joke at the close, the word-play on "sacrifices" suggesting that widow T may have used the beast to get rid of her husband.

BTW when you post long poems, it can be useful to number the stanzas (e.g. with bracketed numbers offset to the right). It saves your critters a lot of counting if they want to flag up a specific line or stanza!

Some specific points:

The clock on the wall beginning to toll:
the hour, it claimed, eleven.

Do you need a "was" after "wall". Even if I count "hour" as two syllables, which I don't mind doing, the line isn't anapaestic: it has more iambs than anapaests. I guess you can stretch out the pause long enough to cover an extra beat, and in performance you can get away with a lot. Still maybe a "was" before eleven.

He slumped at the bar there as if he'd come far

I think "there" sabotages the rhyme. It's as if you're rhyming "bar there" with "far", so I'd lose "there". Alternatively, you could rhyme with "farther"?

and BRING BACK | a CHU| ffin' BARghest

the metre seems off here (only one 3-syllable foot), and the rhyme on the wrong syllable. Or are you pronouncing this "barGHEST"? Though I don't think so give "TOURist"/"BARghest" later.

"i's HU| rryin' HOME|, the TROD | by the ROOD-stone,

"rood" is in the rhyme position, not "stone", it's an off-rhyme and weaker. Rhyming the on-beat syllables would be more satisfying. Similarly here:

"We 'OLD| ing a LYKE| -wake?" NELL | came to BREAK |

"lyke" and "break" are on the beat, but not "wake".

I sit | here the wal| kin' dead.

Seems to lose the rhythm. Doesn't seem anapaestic enough (only the one 3-syllable foot). In performance, I guess you could elongate "wal". But hard to dictate that to a reader. Do you need a comma after "here"?

And now we can track him there's few that's attacked

I'd say feminine rhyme to "track him" would be better, as you typically do. Maybe, "there's few he's attacking"?

But that is as maybe. And, I couldn't say, me,

Should that be, "may be"? This line seems a little contorted. Maybe something like "Be that as it may, I just couldn't say,"?

best,

Matt

[Richard G]

Hi Jayne.

Being a Midlander I'm not totally clued up on Yorkshire-isms.
Not sure folks from Yorkshire are either. Luckily there are lexicons.

For instance, bored and word aren't a perfect match, but how about something along these lines, perhaps...
A fair point, and one made in more detail elsewhere. Will be looking to address (though I may be some time.)

I'm not sure about the final stanza, Richard. I don't quite get it, and was hoping for a more punchy/spooky ending. It wasn't instantly obvious that Widow T is Mrs Thackery (that's probably just me being dim!).
Sadly it's never the readers fault. I'll see what I can do (though Matt - I suspect predictably - comes perilously close.)

I can imagine you reading this in a pub,
That's a fiendish imagination you have there.

though still enjoyed.
Works for me.

I hope some of this helps.
It does. Thanks.


_______________________________



Hi Max.

Thanks for your time.

Elsewhere, the rhyming falls flat; these places feel like missed opportunities: night/quiet, perked up/lap-top, fella/tale, step/back, werewolves/pals, Slayer/misnomer.
Noted. Will revisit.

FWIW.
Remains to be seen/the onus on me,then. But it is appreciated.


_______________________________



Hi Barbara,

dialect into English
I dithered over a glossary, and picked wrong. Figures. I'll add them in to the main text later but, since you asked.

siling - to rain heavily (Yorkshire dialect.)
trod - a path or track (Yorkshire dialect.)
Rood-stone - the Rudston monolith, a megalith/standing stone.
agin - against (Yorkshire dialect.)
Barghest - variously, a Spectral Hound, Hell Hound or, possibly a ghost bear. (A harbinger or ill-omen.)
The Waters of Woe - name for the winterborne stream Gypsey Race when in flood (another ill-omen.)
Lyke-wake - reference to Lyke-wake Dirge (traditional song) and practice of watching over the dead.
frit - afraid (Yorkshire dialect.)
Old Stinker - a werewolf (native to Yorkshire.)

Have I missed any?


S3:Now I'm interested, and curious about the man. "there" in the first line got in my way.
You and Matt both. I'd hoped it might soften the blunt far/bar but apparently not. Will cut.
The word "Slumped" stood out for me.
Is this good or bad?

S4erhaps a comma after breath, for the compound sentence?--
Can do.

but I kept getting stuck over the rhythm of "shuddering. " (Could just be me. Could you explain how you hear that line, please?)
and THEN the glass EMpty SHUDdering SAID to me

S5: I think some punctuation would make this clearer:
Done. Thanks.

S6 This one made me laugh. "The lot of a barman," indeed!
Have you named yours yet?

S7: "thy" threw me off a bit. Is it contemporary dialect (that would go with the other language in the poem) or a "balladism" ?
Contemporary dialect. They like their thee's and tha's up there.

S8: I'm in the story now.
This suggests I've taken too long (as Matt said.)

S10: I think you need some punctuation after "tomb."
Another comma?
I don't know what "Waters of Woe " means, and so I didn't understand the last two lines.
I've added that to the glossary (but the meaning is that he ... wet himself ... involuntarily.)

S11:This made me chuckle. Perhaps, after "guessed," a colon or dash?
Colon. You're right. Thanks.

S19: I'm not sure why this information is here.
Largely because it amused me. But also to find out if others felt it superfluous.

S 20: This all makes sense and seems like a satisfying conclusion.
noted.

S23: I'm guessing that the woman here is Thackeray's wife, and that this is her comment on her loss. I think I got the idea, but it didn't hit me with the force I wanted the ending of a story to have.
Ah. I'd hoped that the Widow T(hackery) might be taken as referring to the fact that her husband was a sacrifice, one she (and perhaps the whole village) was willing to make. An offering to ensure prosperity, such as a bar full of tourists. Some ways may predate the Barghest (and human sacrifice is likely one of those.)
I was probably thinking of The Whicker Man at the time.

I don't expect you to answer all my questions!
Tried my best.

Naturally, others will likely have different experiences/questions.
Not your first rodeo?

I hope these responses are helpful to you.
They were. Thank you very much.

Glad to find another person here interested in narrative!
Couldn't agree with you more.


_______________________________



Hi Joe.

Well that was fun.
Glad to hear it.

Just to say that it reminded me of the first part of American Werewolf in London, including a pub on the North York Moors.
I hadn't thought of that, but now you mention it.

Troller’s Gill in the Yorkshire Dales is the one place I know (very well) that the Barghest is said to inhabit.
I (ahem) borrowed the 'mark on his breast' from a ballad, do you know The Legend of the Troller’s Gill ?
But geographical precision may not be your first priority here.
It wasn't, beyond everything had to be from Yorkshire. (That said, you'd be hard pressed to find a place in England that doesn't have a 'black dog' tale of one sort or another.)

As it happens, I was involved in a song cycle celebrated this summer concerning the Lyke Wake walk.
That's a terrific video, thanks for the link.

And I laughed at the Yorkshire version of Buffy (Biddy!) the vampire slayer.
A woman who deserves her own poem.

Not entirely sure why you chose to centre justify the text.
Habit, but will change.

But all very enjoyable.
Thanks again.

_______________________________



Hi Matt.

On the page, I found it took a bit more effort to get through than I'd have liked.
Definitely an issue.

Part of the effort I had in reading this may be down to the layout. Centred text is more work to read,
You're not the first to say so. Have changed.

The joke, I think, being that it's mid-evening and not later, and so a less scary time, is maybe not enough of a reward for an entire stanza.
Fair point.

(S2, 5, 6, and 7) and found the poem, now all-action, more engaging.
I'll take a look (but would you not be bothered by characters suddenly appearing? The question of who Helen/Nell is might arise.)

As others have also said, some of the rhymes maybe get too loose in places, e.g., rhyming "step" with "back", "night" with "quiet", and couple of places, mentioned below, where the rhyme is with an off-beat syllable.
Granted.

The appearance of widow T didn't trouble me as it seems to have others. And I really liked the joke at the close, the word-play on "sacrifices" suggesting that widow T may have used the beast to get rid of her husband.
Hadn't seen that one. I thought she/they might have sacrificed him, a la Edward Woodward.

BTW when you post long poems, it can be useful to number the stanzas (e.g. with bracketed numbers offset to the right). It saves your critters a lot of counting if they want to flag up a specific line or stanza!
Good to know, thank you. Will fix immediately. (Couldn't find the right align in edit - is it hiding?)

Do you need a "was" after "wall".
Might need something. but wall was is tricky to say (for me, at least.)
Perhaps
The clock in the corner beginning to toll
?

Still maybe a "was" before eleven.
So long as there isn't one after wall. Yes why not. Thanks.

I think "there" sabotages the rhyme.
It was deliberate. Bar/far felt a bit much. But can cut.

Do you need a comma after "here"?
Yes. Done.

I'd say feminine rhyme to "track him" would be better, as you typically do. Maybe, "there's few he's attacking"?
I'd been reading it (aloud) as
And NOW we can TRACK him there's FEW that's atTACKed / when


Should that be, "may be"?
It should. Drat. Fixed.

This line seems a little contorted. Maybe something like "Be that as it may, I just couldn't say,"?
Noted.

Matt, please don't think I'm ignoring the rhyme suggestions. They are very much appreciated, in fact. But can't address them ... yet. I'm off to the old drawing board.


_______________________________



Again, thanks all.

RG.


.

[Barbara Baig]

Hi Richard,
That glossary is very helpful. Thanks.

"Slumped": when I say it stood out, I meant in a good way.

"Barman": No, I haven't named him yet. That poem is, as actors say, "resting."

S23: I'm guessing that the woman here is Thackeray's wife, and that this is her comment on her loss. I think I got the idea, but it didn't hit me with the force I wanted the ending of a story to have.
Ah. I'd hoped that the Widow T(hackery) might be taken as referring to the fact that her husband was a sacrifice, one she (and perhaps the whole village) was willing to make. An offering to ensure prosperity, such as a bar full of tourists. Some ways may predate the Barghest (and human sacrifice is likely one of those.)
I was probably thinking of The Whicker Man at the time.

This is a terrific idea--just needs to be clearer. Possibly (brainstorming again) you could set it up by having the folks at the bar discussing the Re-wilding plan and how they hope it will bring prosperity, while one of them wonders what price will have to be paid. Could Mrs. T be one of those people? Then we'd know who she is. Maybe she could even be the one who voices the superstitious fear about the price to be paid?

Happy to discuss more off the forum.
Barbara

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Richard G

I'll take a look (but would you not be bothered by characters suddenly appearing? The question of who Helen/Nell is might arise.)

Ah, sorry, I forgot to mention that when I tried trimming it down to just the action, I also took out S12 & 13. So: S2, 5, 6, and 7, 12 & 13. Though some tweaking would be required to do that. I'm not saying you should necessarily cut all these, but maybe try it just to see what you miss.

The clock in the corner beginning to toll seems grammatically off to me (as did the original). It's a fragment that would need a main clause to follow it. So, I'd say it still seems to need a "was". "The clock in the corner was starting toll" would do it, though.

On "sacrifices", I think it's subtle. I didn't spot it immediately, but I do like it -- the implication that Mr T may have been actively sacrificed (however that's imagined to have happened). Since it seems not everyone is picking up on it, maybe it's worth seeing if you can drop in a clue or two -- that he's a bore, that people find him tiresome, if that's your intention. Or that Mrs T has some motive, say. Actually, something as simple as to have her tip us the wink when she says, it. For example, something like.

'You get nowt for free.' winks old Widow T. .............. [or smirks, smiles, laughs, grins etc]
'We all have to make sacrifices.'


Matt

[Richard G]

Hi Barbara, Matt.
Thanks for returning.

Concerning sacrifices.

This is a terrific idea--just needs to be clearer. Possibly (brainstorming again) you could set it up by having the folks at the bar discussing the Re-wilding plan and how they hope it will bring prosperity, while one of them wonders what price will have to be paid. Could Mrs. T be one of those people? Then we'd know who she is. Maybe she could even be the one who voices the superstitious fear about the price to be paid?
Barbara, you're right, but in my defence I do have Thackery saying that he hadn't been mindin' the talk of rewildin' so clearly (or perhaps not so clearly) such concerns had been discussed by the Woldians, but Bill wasn't paying attention. He might only have himself to blame.

It may be too subtle for its/my own good but I do drop a couple of breadcrumbs along the way:

The poem opens with the bar having only four customers, contrasting with the later tourists who flock. His death, or it's circumstances, has seen a change in fortunes for both the Buzzard and the wider community; the Riding is flowering.

that he's a bore, that people find him tiresome, if that's your intention.
(And) I do have his entrance largely ignored by the four customers in the pub, the barman doing anything to avoid talking to him, and Nell being somewhat dismissive of his ... tale.

'You get nowt for free.' winks old Widow T. .............. [or smirks, smiles, laughs, grins etc]
'We all have to make sacrifices.'
But who's she winking to Matt? She's not there. It's the barman reporting her speech (and if he's in on it he doesn't need a nod or a wink.)

I do wonder if the barman is having a Sweeney Todd moment, and hinting to whoever he's addressing about what might be about to befall them. But it's probably too fanciful a notion.


Hope that casts a little light.

RG.

PS. Matt, point taken about the clock. Still thinking. Thanks.

.