[Susan McLean]

Clocking Out

On Friday, she clocked in, and none
saw her clock out that day, although
on Tuesday they were shocked to learn
that she had died four days ago.

They found her sitting at her desk.
Was she a workaholic? No.
Her colleagues thought it was grotesque
that she had died four days ago

and no one noticed. A bad smell
had raised some comment. Even so,
they blamed the plumbing; none could tell
that she had died four days ago.

Her cubicle was rarely checked,
and no one stopped to say hello,
so how could anyone detect
that she had died four days ago?

Now, though, they must disturb Denise.
HR would have to let her know
(who'd rested for so long in peace)
that she had died four days ago.


Revisions:
Title was "Unseen"
S1L1 "But none" was "No one"; then line was "On Friday, she clocked in. But none"
S1L3 "were shocked" was "would come"
S2L3 was "Her coworkers found it grotesque"

[Roger Slater]

I like this overall. The first stanza seems weaker than the rest. It's the only one that doesn't have an "a" rhyme, and "no one" has ambiguous stress coming at the end of the first line. Maybe "... clocked in, but none" instead? At any rate, I am sure you can manage an "a" rhyme if you work on it.

My only other issue is the final stanza. When you first mention "Denise" it confused me at first, since you hadn't named her before, and I didn't realize you meant the dead woman. And being a cynical poet, it felt like you just came up with a name to suit the rhyme, so it didn't feel as much like a real person. I think putting her name in the title of the poem would fix this issue. Even calling the poem simply "Denise" would give the proper focus.

I do like the "surprise" joke of the last stanza, which shifted the mood from sad to sarcastic.

[Susan McLean]

Roger, thanks for the suggestions. I have taken yours for S1L1, though I had considered the A rhyme to be slant. I will keep thinking about whether I can find a true rhyme there, but if not, a slant will have to do. The story was in the news recently, and Denise was her real first name, though I have suppressed the last name and the link to the story because it seems inappropriate to use an individual's death as part of a joke when the particular individual is recognizable (we do it all the time with people who are not identified or when the death happened long ago). I don't like her name as the title of the poem, however. I prefer a title that creates some level of mystery.

Susan

[Glenn Wright]

I like this poem, Susan. You aptly frame the impersonal, anonymous culture of modern society. As a title I like “Unseen” (which puts the responsibility for the oversight of not noticing her death on the co-workers) better than “Invisible” (which suggests that it was Denise’s fault for being so inconspicuous). I also appreciate the additional insult in S5 that her death would somehow not be official until HR notified her of it.

Glenn

[Susan McLean]

Glenn, I am glad you could identify with it. There is something incredibly dispiriting about office work. I have worked in a number of jobs like that, and even the best of them was mind-numbing.

Susan

[Roger Slater]

How about "Clocking Out" as a title? Just a thought.

[Susan McLean]

That title sounds good to me. I will give it a try.

Susan

[Martin Rocek]

Susan,
I like this a lot, and the ending has a real sardonic twist. One thought--in the last verse, is 4 days really "so long"?
Martin

[Christine P'legion]

Four days is not a long time to be dead in a graveyard, but I'm pretty sure it is a long time to be dead in your cubicle. Context!

[Susan McLean]

Martin, I'm glad you enjoyed the ending. I agree with Christine that four days is a long time to be dead in a cubicle.

Some comments I received elsewhere have led me to change S2L3 to improve the meter.

Susan