[Jim Moonan]

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Fall Flowers

“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf's a flower.” —Albert Camus

Fall nears. A frost blooms on summer's shoulder.
It's time: leaves turn, go limp, wriggling
in the wind, are tossed like kerchiefs falling,
covering the wooded paths like quilts
against the coming long winter sleep.

The frail half-moon looks lost
in the vast, dusked sky, half-lit
by the sunken sun. A plume
of cloud turns to smoke
in the blue eye of Heaven.






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[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim—

I really like the first stanza. The personification of summer and the similes work nicely to create a clear, memorable image.

The last three lines of the second stanza confuse me. As the sun sets, the sky and cloud would darken and the moon would seem to brighten since its light would remain the same. So does the white (or orange?) feathery cloud seem to darken into gray smoke? I usually think of the sun as the “eye of heaven,” I can’t figure out what the “blue eye of heaven” means. The sky? How is the second stanza connected to the fall images in the first stanza? Could you unify the two stanzas?

Glenn

[James Brancheau]

Love that quote, Jim. Didn’t know that one. I really like parts of this, but overall this has the feel of a newish poem that still needs some sorting out. Sorry if I’m wrong about that. It could be that I’m just not seeing the obvious, understanding what’s going on. I think that I agree with Glenn, re that connective tissue from stanza one to two. I find it exceptionally hard to do poems celebrating seasons (if that is in fact a focus of this poem)—up there with love poems I suppose. But I too love the fall—October is my favorite month. I even love the word “October.”

So, some specifics. I don’t think that you need “Fall nears” (fall’s in the title) but I quite like “A frost blooms on summer’s shoulder.” Also, “It’s time:” doesn’t seem to serve much of a purpose, seems like filler, as does “leaves turn” etc up to “kerchiefs falling,” which I like. “long winter sleep” seems less than fresh.

I like and am more interested in that second stanza—perhaps using some elements of the first?? The frost bloom/shoulder part, and perhaps the kerchief or quilt moment, or both. I’m thinking that I want “A frost blooms…” right before that second stanza—it seems to go nicely with the moon there. The moon can be on your shoulder too… And there are other possible connections that I see… I think that the smoke in the eye of heaven idea at the end of the poem is fantastic. Anyway, again, this has much in it that I like, but I’m not seeing the whole working together yet. Fwiw.

[John Boddie]

In S2 you seem to be letting adjectives do all the work. They aren't up to the job.

You might consider discarding or replacing S2.

JB

[John Riley]

Jim, you may be trying to do too much with too little. You have leaves and the moon and the poem works to describe/reveal them in a novel way. That's asking a lot from both the two objects and the poet. It may work better if it was more linear and you found a way to weave the leaves and wind and moon into a more cohesive poem. I also suggest you find a few other things to work into the poem to give a more robust revealing of autumn.

[Christine P'legion]

'Tis the season for autumn poetry to start appearing on the board & I'm all for it. While I agree with others that you have some polishing/shaping to do, I think this has the makings of a really lovely poem. "A frost blooms on summer's shoulder" is wonderful.

In S1, it's not grammatically clear what "covering" refers to—is it the leaves or the kerchiefs? If leaves, the problem is that you're switching tenses midway through the sentence. The leaves "turn... go... are... covering." See how that doesn't fit with the rest? If you're referring to "kerchiefs falling, [and then] covering..." then that also should be made clear. (I think probably it's the leaves, but like I said, it's muddled!)

I find myself wanting something more at the end, a third stanza perhaps, or some other drawing-together of the leaves and sky imagery. Or the "so what" of it all from the speaker; the N notices these things because—? Or they make him feel—? Or autumn is another way for the N to speak about—? Give me more!

[Carl Copeland]

Jim, I need to think critically about my own first reaction, since the first thing that made me uneasy is the multiply mixed metaphor that’s gotten the most praise: “A frost blooms on summer’s shoulder.” We’ve learned from Camus that colored leaves are fall’s flowers, but now it’s frost that’s blooming. And blooming on summer’s shoulder, though summer’s nose or toes would do about as well metaphorically. Colored leaves = colorful flowers/blooms = white frost on summer’s shoulders = frost at the end of summer. It’s a wonder of language that this makes any sense at all, and there’s really no misunderstanding it, so I should probably be more interested in the striking poetic density than in the logic of it. Sorry, just thinking out loud.