[John Riley]

Dawn Walk

Geese share this pond
with orange-breasted robins,
bouncing red cardinals,
two green-browed mallards.
A hawk with endless dark eyes,
onyx shiny feathers
that always seem wet
sits high in the red maple.
He watches me approach the bridge
over the almost-still stream
that feeds the pond.
There is no color there
on the slow water,
only a dark surface hiding
the place decisions are made
by tug and push in a depth
deep enough to swallow
the sound of the footsteps
of the soon-to-be ghost
crossing over the bridge.

[John Riley]

Thanks Jayne for fixing the title.

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by John Riley

Dawn Walk

Geese share this pond
with orange-breasted robins,
bouncing red cardinals,
two green-browed mallards.
A hawk with endless dark eyes,
onyx shiny feathers
that always seem wet
sits high in the red maple.
He watches me approach the bridge
over the almost-still stream
that feeds the pond.
There is no color there
on the slow water,
only a dark surface hiding
the place decisions are made
by tug and push in a depth
deep enough to swallow
the sound of the footsteps
of the soon-to-be ghost
crossing over the bridge.

This one read pretty strongly to me, but I'm not sure about 'endless'. You've got a lot of colour before it, but this adjective feels like it's at odds with the brightness of the poem. And I'm rarely one to complain about the logic behind a word choice, but I'm not sure if 'endless' really adds to the meaning or interpretation of the line. Personally, I'd prefer colour in this spot, or even something just describing the eyes more concretely.

[John Boddie]

John -

Consider dropping the first eight lines. As it is, they are simply filler.

I think "long water" is a good choice - much better than "still" in this setting.

Leave the "he" undefined. The tone of the poem is darker if you do.

JB

[Jayne Osborn]

Originally Posted by John Riley

Thanks Jayne for fixing the title.

No problem, John. I'm here to serve!

I can easily picture this scene, almost as if I was there. Unlike John B, though, I would suggest cutting the list in the first four lines, rather than cutting the first eight; I will confess to having a personal dislike of poems that begin with the all-too-ubiquitous "She" or "He".

The hawk is the really interesting character here, and I particularly like the way you describe his feathers.
(It could be a she, of course. Would that impact on the poem in any way? Just a thought...)

I stumble a bit on "a depth deep enough". I can't think how, but I feel sure there's a better way of putting it. Perhaps you'll ponder on that, or else ignore it; it might just be me.

I like the "soon-to-be ghost", which reminds all of us of our own mortality, but not in a morbid way.
Hope this helps a little.

Jayne

[John Riley]

Thanks for the suggestions. I don’t think I’ll be cutting the first eight lines. If I did the line “There is no color there” will mean little. The contrast between the colorful above and the colorless below, the making and the observing, wouldn’t be there.

Maybe the endless dark eyes is too much. I’ll think on that. I am thinking of trimming out the mallards in the beginning.

Thanks again for the feedback

John

[R. Nemo Hill]

I don't think you should cut anything in the beginning, John. I love the proliferation of colors in contrast to the colorless water. You might want to break the poem into two stanza at "there is no color there". I think endless dark eyes should be endlessly dark eyes. And you could put an and before onyx for a smoother flow (and drop the comma after eyes).

Dawn Walk

Geese share this pond
with orange-breasted robins,
bouncing red cardinals,
two green-browed mallards.
A hawk with endlessly dark eyes
and onyx shiny feathers
that always seem wet
sits high in the red maple.
He watches me approach the bridge
over the almost-still stream
that feeds the pond.

There is no color there
on the slow water,
only a dark surface hiding
the place decisions are made
by tug and push in a depth
deep enough to swallow
the sound of the footsteps
of the soon-to-be ghost
crossing over the bridge.

Actually the hawk lines could be rearranged for more immediate effect.

High in the red maple
sits a hawk with endlessly dark eyes
and onyx shiny feathers
that always seem wet.

I love the poem.
Nemo

[Ashley Bowen]

Hi, John,

Overall, I found this pretty likable. I think R. had a good suggestion of breaking this into two stanzas.

I take issue with a couple of word choices that seem to work against the poem's best interest, IMO.

"bouncing red cardinals" ... "Bouncing" calls up the wrong image to me, as I see them as balls, which might be what you intend, but seems odd to my ear.

I'd recommend a change to "A hawk with onyx eyes." I'd cut the bit about feathers since you're not really saying anything overly interesting about the feathers. The "sits high" seems like a well-worn phrase in regard to birds in trees. Maybe "perches in the red maple"? Probably not better but I think "perches" is more interesting than "sits."

I think some economy could be found by merging two lines: "There's no color in the slow water." I love, by the way, "slow water."

I wonder if "sink" might be better than "swallow."

Thanks for letting me read and respond.

A.B.

Originally Posted by John Riley

Dawn Walk

Geese share this pond
with orange-breasted robins,
bouncing red cardinals,
two green-browed mallards.
A hawk with endless dark eyes,
onyx shiny feathers
that always seem wet
sits high in the red maple.
He watches me approach the bridge
over the almost-still stream
that feeds the pond.
There is no color there
on the slow water,
only a dark surface hiding
the place decisions are made
by tug and push in a depth
deep enough to swallow
the sound of the footsteps
of the soon-to-be ghost
crossing over the bridge.

[John Boddie]

re: " I don’t think I’ll be cutting the first eight lines. If I did the line “There is no color there” will mean little."

I'm not sure that should be a concern because the "color" is referenced as "dark" almost immediately.

As it is, the first 8 lines are painting a colorful background, but the contrast of the background and the pond doesn't deliver any tension that yields to a resolution. Depth and sound don't compare with color.

JB

[James Brancheau]

Yes to everything that Nemo suggested. This is definitely one of my favorites of your recents, probably one of my favorites overall. The colors of the birds are a very nice contrast with the colorless water. And I love that they are birds. This broken up into stanzas may also do more to feature the penultimate line in each, which I think is a good thing. I see a connection between the “almost-still” and “soon-to-be.” Fine, fine work, John.