View Single Post
  #9  
Unread 12-01-2023, 12:36 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 5,813
Default

I like “confided” more than “trusted,” for its assonance with nearby words, and “oft” just about squeaks by my “fey” register. However, I think it would go down more easily if “merriment” in line 1 were the more idiomatic “happiness.” “Hours of merriment” spikes the fey meter again.

“Passions and desire” are still redundant, though I see what you mean about “idle” getting the sense of laziness.

“Tones exalted” still has the problem of inverted word order, forced for the rhyme. How about changing that line to “and then, in tones that were exalted”? Or perhaps you could revert to “voice” with “when suddenly, your voice, exalted, / [two iambs] and left me stunned.” “Your voice range out” is overkill after the exalted voice or tones, imo.

I like “fragrant words would” in S3.

The plural “vanities” does solve the problem I noted earlier.
Reply With Quote