[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi

I’m curious about the meter in the original, since I know nothing about Russian prosody. When you say you replicate the meter of the Russian poems, does that mean that trochaic meter and iambic meter work the same in Russian as they do in English? Is Russian verse accentual-syllabic in the same way?

Yes, Russian meter is accentual-syllabic in the same way as English. What makes it a little different is that words tend to be longer and there are no secondary stresses, so promotions are ubiquitous. Demotions, on the other hand, are pretty much forbidden. Every word stress must fall on a metrical beat. Reciters tend to chant, and poetry is written to be chantable, so substitutions are not generally welcomed.

Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi

About your translations here, my first suggestion is for S2 of the first poem by Pushkin, where “Who” has to be inserted somehow. When I read it the first couple of times, without the crib, I thought “uncanny force” was referring to a kind of Bergsonian impersonal energy, which is quite far from the Pushkin and from the dialogue with Philaret. For the discussion to make any sense, the personified God has to be explicit.

I doubt an impersonal energy would act “in malice,” but Pushkin does have “Who,” so I’ve tried a change that also does without the filler word “uncanny.”

BTW, “called me out” would be closer to the original, but I was dissuaded by the idiomatic usage of “calling someone out.” What do you think?

Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi

For S3, I’d consider reworking it to emphasize the absence of goals, which the crib has as the opener, with the mind/heart part as an explanation. Your version does convey the sense of romantic ennui, but taking two lines to say the heart is barren and the mind is inactive or listless is rather fillerish. Also, is “I find weary, beyond bearing” close enough to being weary with melancholy? It seems quite different to me.

Pushkin is wearied with “toska,” a very Russian word that can be translated by anything from “boredom” and “melancholy” to “anguish” and “despair,” depending on context. Another problem here is that I’m pretty sold on the last line, and it’s hard to get a preceding line to connect with it grammatically. My original translation (you have it, in fact) rhymed “barren” with “despair in,” but I had misgivings about directly naming the mortal sin of despair. I’ll think more on this.

That aside, what do you think about “beyond bearing” strictly in metrical terms? An acquaintance of mine says “beyond” clashes with the trochaic meter and suggests “wearisome, past bearing.”

Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi

Your version of Philaret’s poem reads nicely overall. For a simple tweak in S1, “by simple chance” instead of “in simple chance” would be more idiomatic and clear. Perhaps also change “a hidden plan” to “God’s hidden plan” (again, playing up the personification / Christian content). The original repeats “God” there, according to the crib.

You may be confusing the crib with the translation: “by simple chance” would require a rewrite of L2. I had considered “God’s hidden plan,” but “not without a” seemed more idiomatic to me. I’ll keep it in mind as a possibility.

Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi

In S2, I’d prefer “and with doubt . . .” etc. to “who with doubt.”

I keep teetering back and forth on that. For now, you’ve tipped me back towards “and.”

Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi

“be remembered / in forgetfulness” in S3 is a lovely phrase, but does it really work in this context? A particular person’s forgetfulness seems to be the point here. Philaret is saying that he needs to remember God more, whom he forgets on a regular basis.

This was far and away the hardest bit to translate. English is generally more compact than Russian, but here “Remember yourself to me, you who have been forgotten by me” is done in four words in one line. I doubt I can get much closer, but I’ll give it more thought. Scholars I’ve read think Philaret is speaking in Pushkin’s voice, but I read it the way you do: Philaret speaking of his own sinfulness, from which Pushkin can draw conclusions about his own situation.

Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi

That’s all for now. I’ll be back later for the second Pushkin poem.

Take your time. I cheated by throwing three poems at you in one post, but their interrelatedness is what interests me most of all.