I enjoyed your revision, there's nothing much I'd change about it. IMO, the essence of the poem is a glimpse into your experience with Zen, and in that regard I think it accomplishes what it sets out to do. It could be something more, but doesn't need to be.
If there are guts to be revealed, I'd be interested in more detail on the Zen aspect. A little more clarity on and detail about your meaning. But in it's current state the level of vagueness works too, it reveals enough to be interesting, but not so much that it reaches a level of mundane explicitness.
As a side note, I'm also a Zen practitioner but interestingly enough our style of meditation seems to be counterposed. If I'm reading this poem right (correct me if I'm wrong) you're eager to write while you're meditating, the dog is eager to be a dog. You've constrained the meditation with a timer.
I've always used Zen meditation to get me out of the boring moments. Some food for thought.
|