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Unread 11-06-2023, 10:37 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
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Might you consider expanding the lines to pentameter to give you more room to work with? As it stands, a lot of the lines feel clipped to fit into tetrameter, and there are some unnatural phrases. For example, "no anvil under" isn't really good English, is it? And "Such my fate" isn't rally natural either. And "Not such as I do flee" has the same problem. Here's a sample of S1 that I've rewritten as IP:

"Go flee"? But it is not my way to flee.
My flock has schooled me well, and I walk slow.
Smooth words that others use are not for me.
My heavy words crash down, an ax's blow.
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